The Dunphys And The Math Competition (A Modern Family Fanfic)

[Arnold Ziffel]

“Why do I have to get dragged to this thing?” Haley complains to her mom, raising her voice a bit. Mom, growing increasingly annoyed with her daughter’s attitude, raises her voice as well. “You’re going to support your sister for once,” she angrily tells Haley, “This is a big deal for Alex and we’re BOTH going to be there to support her.” “How about Dad and Luke?” Haley then asks her, “How do they get out of going to this geek competition?” “It’s a MATH competition, Haley!” mom angrily answers, “And I’ve told you before about calling it that!” “And you know what Luke and your dad are doing this weekend,” she further admonishes Haley, “You know they planned that trip two months ago.” Haley, though, just rolls her eyes. She knows her mom is telling her the truth, but spending two hours or whatever at a Math competition -- not to mention another hour or so going to and from the site -- is not exactly Haley’s idea of an exciting afternoon. But mom remains firm “You’re going to Alex’s Math competition and that’s final!” Mom tells Haley “It’s about time you learned to appreciate how good your sister is at Math and supported her for once.” “You two are sisters for pete’s sake,” her mom lectures her, “It’s about time you started acting like it.”

Though Haley and Alex were sisters, they were too different to be like friends. Haley, now in her first year of community college, was a lazy, fashion-obsessed, social life-obsessed, academic slacker who was lucky to get into community college. Alex, now a high school senior, was a driven academic superstar with a highly developed social conscience and pretty much had her pick of colleges for next year. Alex was not only on her school’s Math competition team but she was the team captain. Haley, on the other hand, ……well, Haley thought the whole idea of a Math competition was about the dumbest idea she ever heard. Still, the two girls were sisters and Haley was a bit taken aback by her mother’s notion that she doesn’t support her. “You know, maybe if you put a little effort Math yourself, you’d come to appreciate just how good your sister is at it,” her mom suggests. “I know how good she is at it -- She’s great at it!” Haley acknowledges, “She’s great at everything when it comes to school.” “Believe me, I know how good Alex is at all that stuff,” she further acknowledges, “I’ve been hearing that my whole life.” “She’s amazing!” Haley adds with a smile -- and an uncharacteristic little tinge of pride in Haley being her sister. “And I guess it wouldn’t exactly kill me to go to one of these things,” Haley tells her mom, with a decidedly melodramatic groan. “Well, that’s the spirit -- that’s what I like to hear from my two girls,” her mom jokes.

“It’s just that it’s a MATH competition, mom!” Haley then says, continuing with the melodramatic tone. “It’s going to be soooooo boooring!” she complains. “I mean, are we really going to go sit there and watch people do math for two hours or whatever?” she asks her mom -- a mostly rhetorical question. “No Haley -- we’re going to watch your sister do math for two hours,” she tells Haley, now trying to convince herself as well as Haley that it’s not going to be excruciatingly boring.

It’s an away match at Westdale HS for Alex and her fellow Mathletes from Palisades High. Its about 30 - 40 minute trip to Westdale HS and they give themselves plenty of time to get there. They leave themselves plenty of time, in fact, to stop at a McDonalds along the way. Both of them decide to treat themselves to a big burger and fries lunch as well as a “super-size” soda.

Claire -- that is, Haley’s mom -- decides to make use of the ladies’ room there before getting back on the road. It’s the single-user type bathroom there where one person uses it at a time. Claire goes in herself and locks the door. It’s not as bad as some restrooms that she has seen but it’s not the cleanest, either. Claire lifts up the toilet seat and squats over the toilet to pee. Such is the blonde-haired beauty’s usual procedure when using all but the cleanest public bathrooms. It’s not a particularly long pee but given that a super-size soda is already making it’s way through her system to her bladder, Claire figures it best to empty her bladder now anyway. She scrunches some toilet paper, wipes herself, and pulls up her pants. She flushes the toilet (with her foot) and washes her hand.

She encourages Haley to use it next but Haley insists that she doesn’t have to go. Her mom, though, knows better. Haley -- a bit of a prissy sort -- isn’t one to typically use the bathroom at places like this unless it’s an emergency. “Really, Haley, it’s not so bad,” mom tells her, “After drinking that much soda, you really should go.” But Haley -- while admitting she does need to go “a little bit” -- declines the opportunity. “I’ll wait,” she says adamantly. Her mom encourages her some more -- again pointing out that she just drank a lot of soda. But Haley is basically an adult now and her mom has long since stopped having decision-making control over her daughter’s bodily functions.

Arriving at Westdale HS, the first order of business -- at least for Haley -- is finding a bathroom. By now, Haley definitely need to go. The two of them quickly find the girls’ room -- just down the hall from the auditorium where the math competition was to be held -- and headed inside.

But as the two of them get inside, Haley is stunned by what she finds. She freezes in place just staring at the row of toilet stalls along the far wall. To say the least, she doesn‘t like what she sees. “There are no doors!” Haley complains to her mom, “The stalls don’t have any doors on them!” Claire is a bit surprised herself, but mostly she’s just glad that she used the bathroom beforehand. “The stalls don’t have any doors on them!” Haley repeats, a growing anxiety in her voice. “How can they have toilets with no doors on the stalls?” she argues rhetorically, “How can they expect people to go to the bathroom without any privacy?” Claire just stands there as well, not really sure what to say to Haley at this point. It’s kind of an “I told you so kind of moment” -- that is, Claire did encourage her to go at McDonalds -- but that isn’t going to help her daughter now. And Claire is concerned for herself as well -- not so much having to go now, but with that super-soda at lunch, she’s definitely concerned about having to go again before this is over.

Suddenly, Alex comes in -- obviously to take care of her own business before the competition actually begins. She sees her mom and especially Haley just staring blankly at the stalls. “They’re called toilets, Haley,” Alex, in her very best sarcastic tone, tells her sister, “You sit down on them to urinate and defecate.” “Just make sure you pull down you pants before you sit down,” Alex adds sarcastically as Haley just gives her a dirty look -- not unlike how she typically reacts to her sister’s sarcasm. Alex, though, seems entirely unfazed by the doorless stalls situation. She simply heads into the first stall she sees and starts unzipping her pants, preparing to sit down. With the stalls open as they are, Haley can see the whole thing and she’s more than a little surprised.

“Um……what are you doing?” she asks Alex. Alex looks back at her surprised. “Well…..I’m going to the bathroom,” Alex then answers her, “Specifically, I’m going to urinate.” Haley, though, can’t believe that Alex is just going to pee all out in the open like that. “How can you just do that without any privacy?” she asks her sister. And as Alex just goes about her business -- specifically, as she takes down her pants and panties and plops her butt down on the seat -- Haley can’t believe she’s doing that, either. “How can you just sit on the toilet seat like that?” Haley asks her, “Do you have any idea how many behinds must sit down on one of those seats every day?” Even their mom finds that disgusting. “At least put toilet paper or something down first,” Claire suggests, “That really is gross.” But Alex -- as she now starts peeing -- explains that scientific studies have proved that toilet seats aren’t really dirty at all. “It’s the door handles that everyone touches that are the problem,” Alex points out. “People’s butts are clean -- it’s their hands that are dirty,” she explains. And as Alex continues to sit and pee full force, she tells Haley that she just doesn’t see what the big deal is about the doorless stalls.

As the conversation continues, Alex is sitting on the toilet peeing a forceful stream. Eventually, her stream slows to a trickle and finally stops entirely. Giving it a minute to make sure she’s done, the pretty, well-endowed, high school senior then scrunches some toilet paper and blots herself dry. As she goes about pulling up her panties and pants and flushing the toilet, Alex explains to Haley that she really doesn’t get what the big deal is about peeing in an open stall like that. “I mean, we all do it -- we all have to pee,” she tells Haley, “I just don’t see what the big deal is about privacy.” “I mean, sure it’s nice to have and certainly I’d rather have a stall door than not have one,” she continues, “But I just don’t see what the big deal is about peeing either way.” “It’s not like I’m going to refuse to use it because there is no stall door,” she adds, “I’d certainly rather than use it than end up wetting my pants or something.” “I mean, I guess I could see maybe if you had to go #2 or something,” Alex clarifies, “I guess maybe that would be a little awkward to have to do with no stall door for privacy.” “But still it wouldn’t be like I wouldn’t use the toilet because of it,” she tells Haley, “Obviously, I wouldn’t want to do that in my pants, either.”

Maybe it was simply intuition between sisters -- after all, Haley and Alex, in spite of their differences, are, in fact, sisters -- or maybe it was just something she saw in Haley’s eyes. But suddenly Alex knew that this wasn’t just Haley’s typical drama about using public toilet facilities that were less than ideal. Suddenly Alex knew that Haley had a real problem here. “Umm…you have to take a …….?” she then starts to ask Haley before Haley abruptly cuts her off. “Yes!” Haley answers with a sense of panic in her voice, “I have to go both ways!” Even mom is a bit taken about by this sudden revelation. She’s as horrified as Haley is about the doorless stalls and completely sympathizes with her daughter. “Ugh!” she says, “I’m sorry, Haley.” “What are you going to do?” she then asks Haley, “Can you wait?” Alex looks at her, wondering about that as well.

“No, I can’t wait!” Haley answers, in a state of panic and almost crying, “I have to go and I have to go now!!” “I have to go NOW, mom,” she says again, “Damn! that greasy cheeseburger and fries.” The implication, of course, is that her bowel movement is of particular urgency. But mom looks at her not really sure what to say. “What are you going to do, Haley?” she again asks. She thought that maybe she’d encourage Haley to pee and just hold in the other, but if the “other” is also an emergency that’s not going to be an option.

“What can I do, mom! -- I have to go!!,” Haley pleads in desperation, “How am going to go with no door? -- How can I go -- especially that way -- when there are no doors?” Her mom just looks at puzzled -- unable to offer any practical solutions. “Mom, I can’t wait -- I have to go,” the desperate girl pleads some more, “I’m going to go in my pants if I don’t go soon.” “You’re not going to go in your pants,” Alex then chimes in, trying to calm her sister down, “If you have to go, you’re going to sit down on the toilet and do what you need to do.” Haley starts to protest about how she can’t use the toilet -- especially for #2 -- without a door, but Alex cuts her off. “You need to go so you’re going to just sit down on the toilet and do it,” she reiterates to Haley, “You’re obviously not going to just go in your pants when you have toilets right here.” Haley tries to speak again, but Alex won’t let her. “Haley, you need to use the toilet and that’s simply what you’re going to do,” Alex tells her. “It’s really not so bad with no door -- no one is going to be paying attention to what you’re doing in the stall,” she argues to Haley, “And it’s certainly better than going in your pants instead.” Alex then offers to “block” for Haley -- that is, she’ll stand in the stall doorway with her back to Haley while she’s on the toilet. “It’s not exactly the same as a stall door,” Alex argues, “But it’ll still give you some privacy. Desperate as she is, Haley really has no choice but to accept. “I guess that’s better than nothing,” she tells her sister.

[Arnold Ziffel]

As Haley takes the stall (and Alex takes her position “blocking” for her sister), Haley’s first order of business is to carefully put toilet paper down on the seat. Alex just rolls her eyes at seeing that -- obviously having just explained how it’s not at all necessary. But Haley, still, has a different idea. “I don’t care -- I don’t care what you said before,” she tells her sister, “I’m sorry but there’s no way that public toilet seats are as clean as you say.” “I’m sorry, Alex,” Haley rants on, “There’s just no way I’m putting my butt down on the same toilet seat with who knows how many other girls.” Mom is also surprised but not for the same reasons. She explains that she’d always thought Haley just squatted -- as she did -- rather than sitting down on public toilet seats. But Haley explains that it depends on what she needs to do. “Yeah, I normally just squat,” she tells her mom, “When I just have to pee I always just squat.” “But I just can’t go the other way unless I’m sitting down,” she explains further, “So I have to put toilet paper on the seat and then sit all the ways down.”

Both Alex and Claire find that explanation kind of bizarre, but that isn’t all that important now. Both of them are simply concerned with getting Haley through what is surely a traumatic experience for her. Sitting down on the toilet paper covered seat, Haley then releases a powerful stream of pee that splashes noisily into the toilet water below. For a skinny girl, she pees with surprising force and surprising volume as it splashes into the toilet. And then -- seemingly abruptly -- the powerful stream slows to a trickle and finally to a few last drops. Quickly folding herself a small wad of toilet paper, Haley then wipes herself.

Now, with an audible groan, Haley adjusts her position on the toilet seat a bit -- moving herself slightly forward a bit -- and goes into pooping mode. “I can’t believe that I’m actually going to do this here,” she laments out loud as she bears down and starts to push it out. She groans again -- quite obviously ashamed to be doing this in an open stall with her sister right there -- as her bowel movement starts making it’s way out. I mean, Alex’s “blocking” is providing some privacy for her but certainly not the kind of privacy that Haley is used to for this. She pushes some more -- not because she actually has to but because she wants this over with as soon as possible. A small “crackling” type noise can be heard as Haley’s bowel movement continues to slide it’s way out into the toilet. It’s a soft, but well-formed movement at first -- three small solid pieces hitting the toilet in somewhat rapid succession. It’s not a large bowel movement by any means, but not too bad for a girl of Haley’s smallish stature. But then she feels some more rumblings deep inside her and bearing down hard again, she manages to quickly push out a second pile of softer, less-formed stuff. With that, it’s a nice-sized bowel movement by anyone’s standards.

Again reaching for the toilet paper -- this time making thicker wads, of course -- Haley wipes her behind. It takes 3 wads to get the job done. It’s quite an efficient wiping job, actually, especially considering the softer nature of the latter stuff that Haley did in the toilet. She then quickly flushes it all away without even looking into the toilet herself -- that, no doubt, to prevent Alex or even her mom from seeing it, too. As Haley goes about pulling up her panties and pants, Alex gives her a “thumbs up” as to a job well-done. She knows that using the toilet in a doorless stall -- especially both ways -- was no small accomplishment for Haley. Haley, in turn, quietly mouths a “thank you” to Alex for helping to provide whatever privacy she could. As Haley goes to wash her hands, she feels good about what she was able to do. Her mom, as well, commends her for doing it. “I know that wasn’t easy for you -- especially #2,” she tells Haley.

But while Claire is genuinely proud and pleased with her daughter, she is also concerned with her own situation. She doesn’t have to actually go herself -- and with her having gone #2 earlier at home doesn’t think that’ll become an issue here. But as she contemplates the possibility of perhaps having to use one of those doorless stalls herself, she wonders if drinking an entire “super-size” soda was such a good idea.

As the competition ensues, Alex gets off to a good start herself, but her teammates start slow. Their opponents -- the mathletes from Westdale HS -- are on fire and quickly start building a lead on Palisades HS. As Haley watches, she finds herself surprisingly interested in the competition. Her mom, on the other hand, -- while understandably quite proud of Alex -- soon becomes distracted. It obviously hasn’t taken very long for that super-sized soda to start making it’s way through her system and filling her bladder. It’s only a short time into the competition when Claire is definitely feeling the need to go. It’s not yet an emergency by any means, but as she pictures in her mind the size of that soda she had had, she wonders how her bladder is going to hold it all. As the math competition goes on, Palisades HS begins to mount a comeback. Alex is solid as always, but her teammates suddenly get into the groove and the correct answers from all them come in rapid succession. Haley is surprised but she actually finds this exciting. She doesn’t actually know the answers to any of the math problems herself, but she suddenly finds herself actively rooting for her sister and her mathlete teammates.

But her mom, by now, has other things on her mind. She has to urinate and she has to go bad. As she had feared, that soda had rapidly made its way through her system. Her bladder was full and demanding relief. But Claire, doesn’t want to use any of the toilets there anymore than Haley did. She can’t remember the last time she’d used a toilet with no door on the stall. She can’t remember ever having done so. She thinks about how horrible it must be for the girls who actually have to go to school here and how they’d really have no choice but to eventually use them. And Claire while still hoping to avoid it finds herself rapidly getting to that point where she may have no choice herself.

As the match begins to wind down, Claire finds herself with a genuine peeing emergency. She sits with legs tightly clenched fighting to hold it in. As Westdale flubs a relatively easy question on the Pythagorean Theorem, it provides an opening for Westdale. As Alex leads her team to victory in the match and Haley sits there actually enthused about her sister’s math prowess, Clair could focus on nothing but her overpowering need to use the toilet. Common sense told her that she simply needed to go to the girls’ room and do it. Alex’s advice to Haley -- minus the need for the #2 -- obviously applied to her as well. But still, she simply couldn’t fathom the idea of using the toilet without the privacy of a full stall. She tried to reason with herself that it was “only pee” -- whereas, Haley, of course, had gone both ways -- but still, Claire just couldn’t stand the idea of doing it in a stall without privacy. Instead, as she and Haley went down to congratulate Alex on a great performance and her team’s victory, Claire hung her hopes on the fact that she wouldn’t have to hold it in much longer. This certainly wouldn’t be a matter of Claire holding it in until they got home but rather she’d simply stop somewhere on the way.

As Claire gets up from her seat, though, she finds herself almost losing it. In fact, it could be said that she actually did lose it -- albeit it for only a few seconds -- as she untwists her legs to stand up. She feels a strong squirt of pee suddenly escape before she can re-twist her legs and get control again. Even though it’s not noticeable on her dark colored blue jeans, it’s enough that Claire can feel tangible wetness in the crotch of her panties. Worse, though, is her fear that another squirt is coming and this time she might not be able to stop it. As the parents and other spectators mill about the auditorium with the participants, Claire is, of course, anxious to leave. Eventually, they start making their way out. Alex gets permission from her coach to go home with them instead of on the team bus. As the three of them head out -- passing the girls’ room on the way -- Alex can’t help but notice that her mom seems pre-occupied with something.

‘Are you alright, mom?” Alex asks her, as the three of them head out to the parking lot. Claire assures her daughter that she’s fine. “You look like you have to go to the bathroom,” Alex suggests, “You look someone who has to go real bad and is holding it in” It’s then -- like a dagger -- that another surge hits Claire in the bladder. Clamping down with all her might, Claire somehow manages to stay in control of herself but not before another quick spurt of pee escapes her bladder. It’s enough now that her panties are uncomfortably wet and she starts to seriously wonder if her jeans are now displaying any wetness as well.

All the while Alex -- and now Haley -- look on with concern. It’s relatively obvious now that that their mom is desperate to go to the bathroom. Mom admits that she does but insists that she can wait. “We’ll stop someplace on the way home,” she says. “I’ll be fine,” she insists. But Alex argues that she should just go now. “Mom, you’re obviously desperate -- you look like you’re about to wet your pants,” Alex tells her as she exhorts her mother to just go now. “Mom, you really should go now,” Haley suggests. “The doorless stalls weren’t really so bad,” she argues, “I mean, it was bad but I’m sure it’s better than wetting your pants.” It’s then that the three of them reach the car in the school parking lot and Claire reaches into her purse for her keys.

“I’m not going to wet my pants,” Claire then insists, perhaps now trying to convince herself of that as much as she’s trying to convince her daughters. “I haven’t wet my pants since………..,” she starts to say. But Claire doesn’t get a chance to finish that sentence. Before she can finish, she feels another intense surge from her bladder. She’s about ready to panic as she feels another quick surge escape from her bladder. She knows that this time -- with her panties already quite wet -- it’ll surely be enough to leave a noticeable wet spot on her jeans. But, as it turns out, a wet spot on her jeans is the least of her problems now. As Claire tries to clamp down and get control of herself again, she simply can’t. Clamping down with all her might, it’s simply not enough. To her utter horror, the pee just continues to flow beyond her desperate attempts to stop it. The quick spurt becomes a steady stream and the pretty blonde simply can’t stop it.

Claire now suddenly finds herself standing there at her car door slowly peeing her pants. She’s in control enough that it isn’t gushing out of her -- her tight grip is indeed keeping it to a slow trickle -- but it’s steady trickle that quickly turns the crotch of her jeans dark. Haley and Alex stand there aghast as they watch the wetness spread in their mother’s pants. At first -- peeing slowly as she is -- her panties and the crotch of her jeans absorb the flow. But eventually, as they get wetter and wetter, Claire starts to feel it now slowly running down her legs. “Mom!” Haley exclaims in shock as she watches her mom just standing there helplessly peeing her pants.

Soon, Claire’s jeans become not only soaked in the crotch but a growing wetness becomes evident down both her thighs. But poor Claire -- no doubt the result of that super soda she drank earlier -- still has to pee some more. Suddenly -- no doubt with her bladder at least having been emptied somewhat -- Claire is able to regain control and stop the flow. Instinctively, she takes the moment to sit down in her car -- her car seat (apparently) be damned. She yells to her girls to “get in.”

But once seated -- keys in the ignition -- she feels another strong push from her bladder. At first, she clamps down hard, trying to hold it in. But, once again, that only serves to slow down the flow and the pretty blonde begins peeing her pants anew. This time -- sitting down -- she feels it start to pool underneath her. She thinks for a moment about her car seat and how to get out the stain and the smell, but she realizes that that’s the least of her problems right now. She realizes, as well, that fighting to hold it in as she is, is only prolonging the agony. She’s wet enough already that she easily concludes that holding it in further is just pointless. Slowly, Claire then forces herself to give up control completely. She finds it surprisingly difficult to just let it go and pee her pants -- toilet training and a lifetime of good toilet habits conditioning us to do otherwise -- but once you’re this wet, there’s really no point in doing otherwise. Gradually, she eases her control and just lets it happen. Sitting there in her car -- in front of her daughters -- Claire just lets her bladder drain into her pants. Once she just lets it go, the feeling of relief -- after holding it in so long -- is simply exquisite. Letting it just happen, Claire simply floods her pants with pee.

By the time she’s finished, she’s sitting in what feels like a flood and her jeans are soaked to her knees. Her daughters don’t know how to react other than to sit there in shock. They’d obviously never seen their mother wet her pants before. They start to make fun of her but when they see how upset their mother is, that just doesn’t prove to be as much fun as they thought it would be. And now, obviously, there was no stopping to go somewhere else on the way home. All that was left now for Claire to start the car and drive home with her daughters. Suffice, it was quite an awkward trip indeed.