Welcome to a session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee – this writer’s favorite fantasy. The story takes place in a high school not unlike other high schools. In this high school, however, there are strict rules regarding the toilet behavior of the school’s female students. Those who break the school toilet rules (including the rule against going to the bathroom in your pants) are brought before the TVPC to have their cases heard and their punishment given out if they are guilty. Meetings of the TVPC are called to order at 3:10 PM each school day in the TVPC meeting room – Room 222 of the high school. It should be noted that where this story takes place, you need to be 18 in order to enter high school, so all persons depicted, even though entirely fictional, are at least 18 years of age.
My name is Arnold ZIffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of Monday, December 20, 2021.
As I convene this session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) on this Monday – The final week before Christmas Vacation – I note that it was a particularly busy weekend at our school. Friday night saw the start of our winter sports season – a season of high expectations for our Girls’ Basketball team. They opened with a solid 68-58 victory on the road at Buchanan HS Friday night. And Saturday night saw the presentation of our annual Christmas / Holiday program – one of the highlights of the school year every year. Unfortunately, neither of these events happened without several matters of concern to the TVPC.
Starting with matters of concern regarding the Girls’ Basketball team, I first call before the TVPC a tall and pretty blonde-haired junior named Mary. Mary is a starting forward on the team and was the leading scorer last year. Big things are, of course, expected from her this year. But speaking of big things, Mary is charged with clogging one of the toilets in the locker room at the game Friday night. She pleads “Guilty” to the violation – noting, as indicated on the Violation Report filed by her coach, that she did not clog the toilet on purpose.
Coach Teiger – the quite pretty but very strict head coach of the team – actually speaks on Mary’s behalf. “It’s really not so much Mary’s fault,” Coach Teiger tells us, “I mean, she did clog the toilet and that’s against the rules, but she certainly didn’t clog it on purpose.” The pretty, blonde-haired coach goes on to explain that Mary simply did a bowel movement that was so big it could not be flushed down the toilet. “Mary obviously had to go at Buchanan High and she used the toilet there just like she was supposed to,” Coach Teiger explains, “But it was so big that when she tried to flush it down, it apparently broke into two pieces and they got jammed together in the bottom of the bowl. “It wasn’t that she overflowed the toilet or anything like that – the water was still able to drain from the toilet around the clog in the bottom of the bowl,” the coach clarifies, “But that massive piece of fecal matter that Mary dropped in that poor toilet bowl was simply not going to budge.”
“I can’t really say that it was Mary’s fault at all,” Coach Teiger continues, “As I indicated, she simply used the toilet like she was supposed to and this is what happened.” She also commends Mary for both trying to flush the bowel movement itself separately and for dutifully reporting the clog to her. “She obviously knew right from the start that that behemoth was going to be a problem to flush,” Coach Teiger explains, “So she tried to flush that as it was before she even started wiping herself.” “And then, of course, when it did clog, she went into another stall to wipe herself,” Coach Teiger explains further, “She didn’t want to make it worse by adding toilet paper to the clog.” That, of course, is the proper way to handle such a situation and I also commend Mary for that.
“I had to waddle out of there with my pants down,” Mary then tells us, a bit embarrassed but taking it all in stride, “I certainly didn’t want to pull up my pants with my behind unwiped as it was.” “But the other two stalls were occupied at the time,” she tells us with a good-natured smile, “So I had to stand there, pants down and unwiped, before I could go into another stall to wipe myself.” The comment raises a few giggles in the committee room but Mary, as noted, takes it all in stride. The pretty blonde basketball star then tells us that eventually she was able to go into a different stall where she wiped herself without incident. “The only thing was that it took quite a lot of wipes,” she adds, “I actually had to use two toilet flushes to get it all down.” Once again, that seems like a wise decision on Mary’s part. I would have hated to see her having clogged two different toilets in a single bathroom visit.
Checking the junior beauty’s toilet record, I’m surprised to see that this is the second time in a month that Mary has clogged a toilet. That’s quite surprising for a skinny girl like her and it makes me wonder what she’s been eating. Naturally, I ask her about that. “Well, last time it was the first day of basketball practice,” the pretty blonde tells me, “And that was also the day after Thanksgiving.” “I guess that one is kind of understandable considering how much I ate for Thanksgiving,” Mary explains, “I actually wasn’t the only one who clogged a toilet in the girls’ locker room that morning.” A quick check of TVPC records indicates that two other basketball players – specifically, Skyler and Monica – also clogged toilets at basketball practice that Friday. “Even Coach Teiger clogged a toilet that morning,” Mary adds. Coach Teiger, though, apparently disagrees. “I ALMOST clogged the toilet,” the coach claims in her defense, “The water rose to the top of the toilet and was slow to drain to out, but eventually it did.” “It eventually did flush down on its own,” the pretty Basketball Coach insists. Getting back to the point, though, Mary really has no explanation as to what caused her to clog the toilet this time. “Last time was probably because of all I ate at Thanksgiving,” she acknowledges, “But I just didn’t get what caused it to happen this time.” “I just sat down and went when I needed to,” Mary explains, shaking her head, “And, for whatever reason, the result was just too big to flush down.”
Moving on to Mary’s punishment, it’s abundantly clear that Mary not only didn’t clog the toilet on purpose but she handled the whole situation as well as can be expected. Obviously, her punishment will reflect that but we also have to take into consideration that it’s her second offense. And I also note for the record that this was a Category #1 clog – that is, a clog with a bowel movement only. That is, of course, the least serious of clogs under TVPC rules. Accordingly, we sentence Mary to serve 2 hours of detention and to write “I will not clog toilets in school again” 200 times.
Moving on to our second case on the girls’ basketball team, I next call before the TVPC a pretty and athletic sophomore named Maddie. Maddie, another blonde, is the starting point guard on the team. She is charged with “Using Profanity To Refer Bodily Functions.” As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, girls are prohibited from using profanity in reference to either other of their bodily functions. Certain slang terms for their bodily functions are discouraged but not actually punishable under TVPC rules. But the use of certain words – profane words – do violate TVPC rules.
“I’m sorry – it just kind of slipped out,” a contrite Maddie says as she pleads “Guilty” to the violation. “It just kind of happened,” she tells us, “I don’t normally talk like that.” The friendly and outgoing sophomore beauty explains that she, too, was on the toilet having a bowel movement in the locker room before the game. But she, unlike Mary, was having some problems in that regard. “I think it must have been nerves or something – I think I was nervous and anxious with it being the first game and all,” she tells us, “But I was having some issues with my stomach and I was on the toilet awhile.” “I don’t know – maybe I was just constipated or something,” she speculates, “But either way, I was stuck on the toilet awhile as it was just coming out one little piece at a time.”
Maddie explains further that as she was sitting there doing what she needed to do, the other girls were getting ready to take the floor for warm-ups. “Everybody else was ready to go, I guess, “Maddie continues, “But I was still on the toilet and it was still taking me awhile.” “I guess the others were getting antsy a bit and I was getting a little frustrated being stuck on the toilet and all,” the athletic blonde beauty explains further, “And it was at that point that Skyler yelled out asking me what was taking so long and if I was going to be done soon.” “As I said, I was frustrated as well with my being on the toilet so long and I was anxious to get on the floor for warm-ups, too,” Maddie acknowledges, “And I guess it was more out of frustration than anything as to why I said it.” Motioning for her to speed up her explanation, Maddie explains that she then yelled out to Skyler, “Hold on already – I’m taking a shit!” “The moment I said it, I wanted to take it back,” she says apologetically, “I know we’re not supposed to talk like that.” “Unfortunately, I think I said it loud enough for everyone to hear,” Maddie adds, “I think the sound really carried in that locker room.” She says that she finished up on the toilet slightly thereafter and promptly joined her teammates on the floor for warm-ups.
“Maddie is a good kid,” Coach Teiger then chimes in, “I think it was just as she said, Mr. Chairman – something that just slipped out.” “Obviously we can’t condone one of our girls using language like that – especially with respect to her bodily functions,” the pretty basketball coach argues, “But I don’t think we need to be particular severe with her, either.” Looking over at Maddie, I see her mouthing a “thank you” to her coach. I must say, though, that I’m a little surprised at that. Coach Teiger is known for being quite strict with the girls and it’s more than a little unusual to hear her advocating for leniency like that. Naturally, I ask her about that.
“Well, Maddie is a good girl,” Coach Teiger reiterates, “And it was merely a slip of the tongue, as she put it.” “I know I can be pretty hard on the girls sometimes,” the coach acknowledges, “I know I have a low degree of tolerance for certain things – especially when it comes to the girls going in their pants at games and practices.” “But Maddie is not like that,” Coach Teiger continues, “She’s always been quite responsible when it comes to handing her bodily functions regardless of which particular bodily functions she needs to do.” “Even if it’s a situation where there are no doors on the bathroom stalls or something like that, I can always count on Maddie using the toilet when she needs to,” Coach Teiger commends her, “No matter how bad the available bathroom facilities may be or which particular bodily function she may need to do, I never have to worry about Maddie having an accident.” Maddie, once again, thanks her coach for that. “Well, playing sports as I do, I know you can’t always depend on having the best bathroom facilities,” she says, “But I really hate having accidents in my pants – especially when it’s #2.”
Moving on to Maddie’s punishment, I note that this is her first offense for “Using Profanity To Refer To Her Bodily Functions.” But she does have priors for “Loitering In The Girls’ Room and “Late To Class For Bathroom Purposes” – both minor offenses. Accordingly, the TVPC takes Coach Teiger’s advice on leniency and sentenced Maddie to an hour of detention and having to write the phrase “Bowel Movement” – the proper way to refer to that particular bodily function – 500 times.
Last Friday was not only the season opener for our basketball teams, but the season opener for our cheerleaders as well. And, unfortunately, our cheerleaders didn’t make it through the night without any toilet violations, either. It is with GLEE that I note there were no accident violations but that’s not to say there were no toilet violations at all. Santana, a pretty junior brunette stands before us charged with leaving the toilet unflushed – specifically, leaving it unflushed after a bowel movement. As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, leaving the toilet unflushed with a bowel movement is more serious than leaving it unflushed after only urinating. Santana, however, has pleaded “Not Guilty” to the charge. The plea, though, seems to annoy our Cheerleading Coach Miss Musso.
It’s Coach Musso, of course, who has filed the Violation Report charging her with leaving the toilet unflushed. “I had to go at the game, as well – I had to have a bowel movement as well as urinate,” the sexy, spandex-clad Cheerleading Coach tells us, “So at the start of the 3rd quarter – after the halftime rush – I went to the girls’ room myself.” “And it just so happened that I took the furthest stall by the wall,” Coach Musso explains, “And that turned out to be something of a coincidence, I suppose.” “In the toilet there was a bowel movement – a pretty big bowel movement, in fact – and a whole lot of toilet paper,” the coach reports. “I actually never thought at first that one of my girls would leave a bowel movement there unflushed like that,” Coach Musso adds, “I really thought my girls had more class than that.” With that harsh statement, she turns and angrily glares at Santana.
The pretty brunette, not surprisingly, takes exception to that. “It’s not a lack of class if the toilet won’t flush,” Santana immediately argues back to her coach, “It’s not that I left it unflushed on purpose.” She then goes on to explain that after she was done with her business in the toilet, she attempted to flush it just like she’s supposed to do. “I tried to flush it, sir,” she tells me, “I tried but the toilet just wouldn’t flush.” “It wasn’t my fault that the toilet wouldn’t flush,” the athletic junior beauty argues, “I tried to flush it several times but every time I pulled that handle nothing happened.” “You can’t really believe that I wanted to leave my bowel movement unflushed in the toilet like that,” she suggests, “Believe me, I’m not the kind of person who likes to show off what she does in the toilet.” “The last thing I wanted was for people to be looking at my bowel movement in the toilet,” she adds. “I tried to flush it, sir,” she reiterates, “But, like I said, when I pulled that little handle nothing happened.”
“Well, apparently you didn’t try hard enough,” Coach Musso then chimes back in, “Apparently you didn’t pull the handle hard enough or something because it worked just fine for me.” “You can’t just touch it, you have to pull it, young lady,” she tells Santana. “And if it doesn’t flush the first time, you have to pull it harder,” she admonishes the girl, “You can’t just give up and leave it all just sitting there in the toilet.” The sexy Cheerleading Coach – clad in a red spandex sweatsuit as usual – goes on to explain that she had no trouble flushing the toilet at all. “O.K. – maybe it didn’t flush as easily as some toilets do – you actually had to pull it and twist it a bit,” Coach Musso acknowledges, “But it really wasn’t difficult at all.” “It just took a little effort,” she says, glaring at Santana in the process, “There really was no excuse for leaving your business unflushed like that.” Coach Musso adds that she managed to flush the toilet three times – the first time, of course, to dispose of Santana’s business, and then twice to dispose of her own bowel movement and toilet paper. Apparently, the pretty junior cheerleader wasn’t the only to do a mega bowel movement at Buchanan HS Friday night.
As the TVPC considers the testimony in this case, Santana does seem quite sincere when she tells us that she tried to flush the toilet. But we find Coach Musso’s testimony to be the most compelling. “I’m sorry, Santana,” I tell the pretty junior cheerleader, “But if Coach Musso was able to flush the toilet, there really was no legitimate reason why you couldn’t flush it as well.” “Maybe the toilet was a little finicky – maybe the handle had to be pulled or twisted a certain way,” I explain to her, “But if Coach Musso was somehow able to flush it three times, it seems to me that you should have been able to flush it at least once.” Santana starts to argue some more, but I put up my hand to stop her. “The thing is, Santana, that you’re really between a rock and a hard place on this one, anyway,” I then tell her. “If we do accept your explanation that the flush on your toilet was indeed broken, then we would indeed find you ‘Not Guilty’ of failing to flush,” I explain, “But that would then mean that you used a toilet that wasn’t functioning properly and we would have to find your ‘Guilty’ of that.” As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, girls are strictly prohibited for using any toilet that isn’t functioning properly. “In a way you’re kind of damned if you did and damned if you didn’t,” I explain to her further, “Either way, you’re guilty of a toilet violation.”
Having found the girl “Guilty” of “Leaving The Toilet Unflushed (after a bowel movement,” we now move on to determining Santana’s punishment. I note for the record, though, that she’s only been found “Guilty” of leaving it unflushed accidentally and not on purpose. Accordingly, even though it was a bowel movement that she left unflushed and even though it was a violation while representing the school that night, it isn’t a serious offense. Checking NAME’s prior toilet record this year we find prior offenses for wetting her pants and loitering in the girls’ room. The TVPC sentences Santana to 2 hours of detention and having to write, “I must learn to flush the toilet after I use it” 200 times.
My name is Arnold ZIffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of Monday, December 20, 2021.
As I convene this session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) on this Monday – The final week before Christmas Vacation – I note that it was a particularly busy weekend at our school. Friday night saw the start of our winter sports season – a season of high expectations for our Girls’ Basketball team. They opened with a solid 68-58 victory on the road at Buchanan HS Friday night. And Saturday night saw the presentation of our annual Christmas / Holiday program – one of the highlights of the school year every year. Unfortunately, neither of these events happened without several matters of concern to the TVPC.
Starting with matters of concern regarding the Girls’ Basketball team, I first call before the TVPC a tall and pretty blonde-haired junior named Mary. Mary is a starting forward on the team and was the leading scorer last year. Big things are, of course, expected from her this year. But speaking of big things, Mary is charged with clogging one of the toilets in the locker room at the game Friday night. She pleads “Guilty” to the violation – noting, as indicated on the Violation Report filed by her coach, that she did not clog the toilet on purpose.
Coach Teiger – the quite pretty but very strict head coach of the team – actually speaks on Mary’s behalf. “It’s really not so much Mary’s fault,” Coach Teiger tells us, “I mean, she did clog the toilet and that’s against the rules, but she certainly didn’t clog it on purpose.” The pretty, blonde-haired coach goes on to explain that Mary simply did a bowel movement that was so big it could not be flushed down the toilet. “Mary obviously had to go at Buchanan High and she used the toilet there just like she was supposed to,” Coach Teiger explains, “But it was so big that when she tried to flush it down, it apparently broke into two pieces and they got jammed together in the bottom of the bowl. “It wasn’t that she overflowed the toilet or anything like that – the water was still able to drain from the toilet around the clog in the bottom of the bowl,” the coach clarifies, “But that massive piece of fecal matter that Mary dropped in that poor toilet bowl was simply not going to budge.”
“I can’t really say that it was Mary’s fault at all,” Coach Teiger continues, “As I indicated, she simply used the toilet like she was supposed to and this is what happened.” She also commends Mary for both trying to flush the bowel movement itself separately and for dutifully reporting the clog to her. “She obviously knew right from the start that that behemoth was going to be a problem to flush,” Coach Teiger explains, “So she tried to flush that as it was before she even started wiping herself.” “And then, of course, when it did clog, she went into another stall to wipe herself,” Coach Teiger explains further, “She didn’t want to make it worse by adding toilet paper to the clog.” That, of course, is the proper way to handle such a situation and I also commend Mary for that.
“I had to waddle out of there with my pants down,” Mary then tells us, a bit embarrassed but taking it all in stride, “I certainly didn’t want to pull up my pants with my behind unwiped as it was.” “But the other two stalls were occupied at the time,” she tells us with a good-natured smile, “So I had to stand there, pants down and unwiped, before I could go into another stall to wipe myself.” The comment raises a few giggles in the committee room but Mary, as noted, takes it all in stride. The pretty blonde basketball star then tells us that eventually she was able to go into a different stall where she wiped herself without incident. “The only thing was that it took quite a lot of wipes,” she adds, “I actually had to use two toilet flushes to get it all down.” Once again, that seems like a wise decision on Mary’s part. I would have hated to see her having clogged two different toilets in a single bathroom visit.
Checking the junior beauty’s toilet record, I’m surprised to see that this is the second time in a month that Mary has clogged a toilet. That’s quite surprising for a skinny girl like her and it makes me wonder what she’s been eating. Naturally, I ask her about that. “Well, last time it was the first day of basketball practice,” the pretty blonde tells me, “And that was also the day after Thanksgiving.” “I guess that one is kind of understandable considering how much I ate for Thanksgiving,” Mary explains, “I actually wasn’t the only one who clogged a toilet in the girls’ locker room that morning.” A quick check of TVPC records indicates that two other basketball players – specifically, Skyler and Monica – also clogged toilets at basketball practice that Friday. “Even Coach Teiger clogged a toilet that morning,” Mary adds. Coach Teiger, though, apparently disagrees. “I ALMOST clogged the toilet,” the coach claims in her defense, “The water rose to the top of the toilet and was slow to drain to out, but eventually it did.” “It eventually did flush down on its own,” the pretty Basketball Coach insists. Getting back to the point, though, Mary really has no explanation as to what caused her to clog the toilet this time. “Last time was probably because of all I ate at Thanksgiving,” she acknowledges, “But I just didn’t get what caused it to happen this time.” “I just sat down and went when I needed to,” Mary explains, shaking her head, “And, for whatever reason, the result was just too big to flush down.”
Moving on to Mary’s punishment, it’s abundantly clear that Mary not only didn’t clog the toilet on purpose but she handled the whole situation as well as can be expected. Obviously, her punishment will reflect that but we also have to take into consideration that it’s her second offense. And I also note for the record that this was a Category #1 clog – that is, a clog with a bowel movement only. That is, of course, the least serious of clogs under TVPC rules. Accordingly, we sentence Mary to serve 2 hours of detention and to write “I will not clog toilets in school again” 200 times.
Moving on to our second case on the girls’ basketball team, I next call before the TVPC a pretty and athletic sophomore named Maddie. Maddie, another blonde, is the starting point guard on the team. She is charged with “Using Profanity To Refer Bodily Functions.” As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, girls are prohibited from using profanity in reference to either other of their bodily functions. Certain slang terms for their bodily functions are discouraged but not actually punishable under TVPC rules. But the use of certain words – profane words – do violate TVPC rules.
“I’m sorry – it just kind of slipped out,” a contrite Maddie says as she pleads “Guilty” to the violation. “It just kind of happened,” she tells us, “I don’t normally talk like that.” The friendly and outgoing sophomore beauty explains that she, too, was on the toilet having a bowel movement in the locker room before the game. But she, unlike Mary, was having some problems in that regard. “I think it must have been nerves or something – I think I was nervous and anxious with it being the first game and all,” she tells us, “But I was having some issues with my stomach and I was on the toilet awhile.” “I don’t know – maybe I was just constipated or something,” she speculates, “But either way, I was stuck on the toilet awhile as it was just coming out one little piece at a time.”
Maddie explains further that as she was sitting there doing what she needed to do, the other girls were getting ready to take the floor for warm-ups. “Everybody else was ready to go, I guess, “Maddie continues, “But I was still on the toilet and it was still taking me awhile.” “I guess the others were getting antsy a bit and I was getting a little frustrated being stuck on the toilet and all,” the athletic blonde beauty explains further, “And it was at that point that Skyler yelled out asking me what was taking so long and if I was going to be done soon.” “As I said, I was frustrated as well with my being on the toilet so long and I was anxious to get on the floor for warm-ups, too,” Maddie acknowledges, “And I guess it was more out of frustration than anything as to why I said it.” Motioning for her to speed up her explanation, Maddie explains that she then yelled out to Skyler, “Hold on already – I’m taking a shit!” “The moment I said it, I wanted to take it back,” she says apologetically, “I know we’re not supposed to talk like that.” “Unfortunately, I think I said it loud enough for everyone to hear,” Maddie adds, “I think the sound really carried in that locker room.” She says that she finished up on the toilet slightly thereafter and promptly joined her teammates on the floor for warm-ups.
“Maddie is a good kid,” Coach Teiger then chimes in, “I think it was just as she said, Mr. Chairman – something that just slipped out.” “Obviously we can’t condone one of our girls using language like that – especially with respect to her bodily functions,” the pretty basketball coach argues, “But I don’t think we need to be particular severe with her, either.” Looking over at Maddie, I see her mouthing a “thank you” to her coach. I must say, though, that I’m a little surprised at that. Coach Teiger is known for being quite strict with the girls and it’s more than a little unusual to hear her advocating for leniency like that. Naturally, I ask her about that.
“Well, Maddie is a good girl,” Coach Teiger reiterates, “And it was merely a slip of the tongue, as she put it.” “I know I can be pretty hard on the girls sometimes,” the coach acknowledges, “I know I have a low degree of tolerance for certain things – especially when it comes to the girls going in their pants at games and practices.” “But Maddie is not like that,” Coach Teiger continues, “She’s always been quite responsible when it comes to handing her bodily functions regardless of which particular bodily functions she needs to do.” “Even if it’s a situation where there are no doors on the bathroom stalls or something like that, I can always count on Maddie using the toilet when she needs to,” Coach Teiger commends her, “No matter how bad the available bathroom facilities may be or which particular bodily function she may need to do, I never have to worry about Maddie having an accident.” Maddie, once again, thanks her coach for that. “Well, playing sports as I do, I know you can’t always depend on having the best bathroom facilities,” she says, “But I really hate having accidents in my pants – especially when it’s #2.”
Moving on to Maddie’s punishment, I note that this is her first offense for “Using Profanity To Refer To Her Bodily Functions.” But she does have priors for “Loitering In The Girls’ Room and “Late To Class For Bathroom Purposes” – both minor offenses. Accordingly, the TVPC takes Coach Teiger’s advice on leniency and sentenced Maddie to an hour of detention and having to write the phrase “Bowel Movement” – the proper way to refer to that particular bodily function – 500 times.
Last Friday was not only the season opener for our basketball teams, but the season opener for our cheerleaders as well. And, unfortunately, our cheerleaders didn’t make it through the night without any toilet violations, either. It is with GLEE that I note there were no accident violations but that’s not to say there were no toilet violations at all. Santana, a pretty junior brunette stands before us charged with leaving the toilet unflushed – specifically, leaving it unflushed after a bowel movement. As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, leaving the toilet unflushed with a bowel movement is more serious than leaving it unflushed after only urinating. Santana, however, has pleaded “Not Guilty” to the charge. The plea, though, seems to annoy our Cheerleading Coach Miss Musso.
It’s Coach Musso, of course, who has filed the Violation Report charging her with leaving the toilet unflushed. “I had to go at the game, as well – I had to have a bowel movement as well as urinate,” the sexy, spandex-clad Cheerleading Coach tells us, “So at the start of the 3rd quarter – after the halftime rush – I went to the girls’ room myself.” “And it just so happened that I took the furthest stall by the wall,” Coach Musso explains, “And that turned out to be something of a coincidence, I suppose.” “In the toilet there was a bowel movement – a pretty big bowel movement, in fact – and a whole lot of toilet paper,” the coach reports. “I actually never thought at first that one of my girls would leave a bowel movement there unflushed like that,” Coach Musso adds, “I really thought my girls had more class than that.” With that harsh statement, she turns and angrily glares at Santana.
The pretty brunette, not surprisingly, takes exception to that. “It’s not a lack of class if the toilet won’t flush,” Santana immediately argues back to her coach, “It’s not that I left it unflushed on purpose.” She then goes on to explain that after she was done with her business in the toilet, she attempted to flush it just like she’s supposed to do. “I tried to flush it, sir,” she tells me, “I tried but the toilet just wouldn’t flush.” “It wasn’t my fault that the toilet wouldn’t flush,” the athletic junior beauty argues, “I tried to flush it several times but every time I pulled that handle nothing happened.” “You can’t really believe that I wanted to leave my bowel movement unflushed in the toilet like that,” she suggests, “Believe me, I’m not the kind of person who likes to show off what she does in the toilet.” “The last thing I wanted was for people to be looking at my bowel movement in the toilet,” she adds. “I tried to flush it, sir,” she reiterates, “But, like I said, when I pulled that little handle nothing happened.”
“Well, apparently you didn’t try hard enough,” Coach Musso then chimes back in, “Apparently you didn’t pull the handle hard enough or something because it worked just fine for me.” “You can’t just touch it, you have to pull it, young lady,” she tells Santana. “And if it doesn’t flush the first time, you have to pull it harder,” she admonishes the girl, “You can’t just give up and leave it all just sitting there in the toilet.” The sexy Cheerleading Coach – clad in a red spandex sweatsuit as usual – goes on to explain that she had no trouble flushing the toilet at all. “O.K. – maybe it didn’t flush as easily as some toilets do – you actually had to pull it and twist it a bit,” Coach Musso acknowledges, “But it really wasn’t difficult at all.” “It just took a little effort,” she says, glaring at Santana in the process, “There really was no excuse for leaving your business unflushed like that.” Coach Musso adds that she managed to flush the toilet three times – the first time, of course, to dispose of Santana’s business, and then twice to dispose of her own bowel movement and toilet paper. Apparently, the pretty junior cheerleader wasn’t the only to do a mega bowel movement at Buchanan HS Friday night.
As the TVPC considers the testimony in this case, Santana does seem quite sincere when she tells us that she tried to flush the toilet. But we find Coach Musso’s testimony to be the most compelling. “I’m sorry, Santana,” I tell the pretty junior cheerleader, “But if Coach Musso was able to flush the toilet, there really was no legitimate reason why you couldn’t flush it as well.” “Maybe the toilet was a little finicky – maybe the handle had to be pulled or twisted a certain way,” I explain to her, “But if Coach Musso was somehow able to flush it three times, it seems to me that you should have been able to flush it at least once.” Santana starts to argue some more, but I put up my hand to stop her. “The thing is, Santana, that you’re really between a rock and a hard place on this one, anyway,” I then tell her. “If we do accept your explanation that the flush on your toilet was indeed broken, then we would indeed find you ‘Not Guilty’ of failing to flush,” I explain, “But that would then mean that you used a toilet that wasn’t functioning properly and we would have to find your ‘Guilty’ of that.” As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, girls are strictly prohibited for using any toilet that isn’t functioning properly. “In a way you’re kind of damned if you did and damned if you didn’t,” I explain to her further, “Either way, you’re guilty of a toilet violation.”
Having found the girl “Guilty” of “Leaving The Toilet Unflushed (after a bowel movement,” we now move on to determining Santana’s punishment. I note for the record, though, that she’s only been found “Guilty” of leaving it unflushed accidentally and not on purpose. Accordingly, even though it was a bowel movement that she left unflushed and even though it was a violation while representing the school that night, it isn’t a serious offense. Checking NAME’s prior toilet record this year we find prior offenses for wetting her pants and loitering in the girls’ room. The TVPC sentences Santana to 2 hours of detention and having to write, “I must learn to flush the toilet after I use it” 200 times.
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