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Welcome to a session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) – this writer’s favorite fantasy. The story takes place in a high school not unlike other high schools. In this high school, however, there are strict rules regarding the toileting behavior of the school’s female students. Those who break the school toilet rules (including the rules against going to the bathroom in your pants) are brought before the TVPC to have their cases heard and their punishment given out if they are guilty. Meetings of the TVPC are called to order at 3:10 PM each school day in the TVPC meeting room – Room 222 of the high school. It should be noted that where this story takes place you need to be 18 in order to enter high school so all persons depicted, even though entirely fictional, are at least 18 years of age.
My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of November 29, 2011.
We begin today’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC), with a case that dates back all the way to last Thursday – that is, on Thanksgiving. Alissa, a quiet but pretty sophomore in the school band is charged with wetting her pants while the band marched in the world famous Wet Set Thanksgiving Day Parade. She was home sick from school yesterday, so her case got moved to today. “She messed in her pants at the parade last year,” reports Mr. Hornman, the Band Director, “So I guess we can call this an improvement since she only wet her pants this year.” Quite frankly, Mr. Hornman’s comments seem a bit harsh.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only time that Alissa messed in her pants last year, but fortunately for her, that was the only time that it happened at a band event. The other 7 messing accidents that she had last year, including 1 that was a doubleheader, happened at school. But I’m very pleased to note that she’s doing a lot better this year. This, in fact, is her very first accident of the school year, but since it happened during a parade that the band marched in she is not entitled to get off with just a warning. It is indeed one of those dreaded “while representing the school” accidents. In fact, not only is she not entitled to get off with just a warning, she’ll have to get more punishment than just for a regular accident occurring in school.
Since Alissa did have a messing accident at the parade last year, she actually has a requirement that she has to visit the girls’ room at all band events. I ask her about this. “Yes sir – I did,” she tells me, “I went in and used one of those port-o-pottys before we lined up for the parade.” “I didn’t go and use the port-o-pottys last year and that’s why I messed in my panties last year,” she explains, “I didn’t want to do that again this year – I know that I have to stop going in my panties.” “That’s really disgusting and I’m getting too old for that,” she adds. “Well, you sure seem to be doing a lot better this year,” I tell her, “You should be proud of that.” “Thank you, sir,” she replies, beaming a broad smile that seems to sparkle through her braces. “I went both ways in the port-o-potty before the parade,” she explains, “I had to go #1 and I had to go #2 and I did them both in there.” “I hate going in a port-o-potty – especially when it’s #2,” she continues, “But I knew that I had to go, so I did it – I knew it would have been even more disgusting to go in my pants like I did last year.”
“But I just had to go again during the parade,” she tells us, “I’m glad it was only #1, but I had to go real bad and I just couldn’t hold it in.” “I tried really hard to hold it in but I just couldn’t,” she continues, “It was so embarrassing to wet my pants during the parade – I’m trying really hard not to go in my pants anymore.” I confirm with Mrs. Duncan, the Assistant Band Director, that likeable sophomore blonde did indeed use the portable toilets before the parade. Had she not done that, it would constitute a 2nd toilet violation in addition to wetting her pants and I’d also be inclined to treat her pants-wetting a bit more harshly. “I had a checklist with all the girls that were required to use the toilet before the parade and they all did,” Mrs. Duncan reports, “I can’t say for sure that Alissa actually did anything when she was in there, but I assume that she did.” “But it was cold out there on Thanksgiving,” Mrs. Duncan explains, “And we were all drinking a lot of hot chocolate.” “A lot of girls went running for the toilets after the parade – even though they went to the bathroom beforehand,” she continues, “I guess Alissa just couldn’t hold it in long enough.” “That hot chocolate goes right through you sometimes,” the very lovely Mrs. Duncan tells us, “I came pretty close to wetting my pants myself and I used a port-o-potty before the parade, too.”
Under the circumstances, there’s clearly no reason to be severe with Alissa – especially since she’s doing so much better than last year. But this is still a wetting accident while she was representing the school as a member of the school band. She gets 3 days of detention and will have to write, “I will not wet my pants at school or during band events again” 300 times.
Yesterday was also the start of practices for the winter sports season and we already have a toilet violation case from the girls’ basketball team. Beverly, a tall and pretty blonde-haired junior, is charged with not flushing the toilet in the girls’ locker room toilets after using it during a break in yesterday’s practice. It isn’t a serious offense (as long as she didn’t leave it unflushed intentionally), but leaving it unflushed after a bowel movement (like Beverly did) is obviously more serious than if she had only urinated in there. As the violation only occurred at a practice and not an actual game, it doesn’t qualify as an offense while representing the school and won’t bring the friendly and popular blonde beauty the enhanced punishment that comes with that.
She has, however, pleaded “Not Guilty” – Claiming that she did indeed flush the toilet but her bowel movement was so big that it just wouldn’t flush down. “It didn’t clog the toilet or anything like that,” she tells us, “It’s just that my um um um um – stuff was just so big that it just sat there in the bowl when I flushed the toilet.” “We’ll get into all that in a minute,” I tell her, “But I also see that you filed a case yourself today that is related to that.” “Yes, sir,” Beverly explains, “Heather D. has been spreading rumors about me and my bowel movement in the girls’ locker room yesterday.” Fans of the TVPC surely know that while most of our toilet violations cases are filed by teachers and other school employees, students can also file cases against other girls for violating school toilet rules. And as if that weren’t enough, Miss Sherwood has also filed charges against a student named Allison for writing on the girls’ room wall – Writing also related to Beverly’s enormous bowel movement in the girls’ locker room yesterday. Looking over this confusing array of cases, I guess we’d better just start at the beginning.
Turning my attention to Beverly, I ask the tall, well-built junior beauty to tell us what happened at yesterday’s practice. “I was right in the middle of practice and I suddenly had to go really, really bad,” she explains, “So I told Coach Teiger that it was an emergency and she let me go to the locker room toilets.” “I kind of knew that it was going to be a big one,” she explains further, “But when it finally came out, I just couldn’t believe how big it actually was.” “I’ve never had a bowel movement that big in my entire life – especially not all in one piece like that,” the junior forward tells us, “I guess with all that I ate over Thanksgiving, that is what happened.” “Sometimes exercise like basketball practice causes the bowels to clear themselves out like that,” Coach Teiger, herself quite a beauty, points out, “I did a pretty big one myself right after practice yesterday.”
“When I flushed, the toilet water just swirled around that big thing, but it couldn’t move it,” Beverly continues, “I tried flushing the toilet a few times, but that thing just sat there in the toilet.” “I don’t know what else I could have done,” she adds.
“You could have at least told someone about it,” her coach chimes in, “You didn’t have to just leave it sitting there and go back to practice like nothing happened.” “There’s no reason to be embarrassed about having bowel movements – even big ones like that,” she tells the girl, “It’s not like I’m a MONK or something – I know about such things.” “I didn’t know what else to do,” Beverly repeats, “I tried flushing a few times but that thing just stayed there.” “As Coach Teiger explained, you should have told someone like your coach,” I tell her, “You shouldn’t have just left it there for someone else to find.” Upon further discussion, she admits that she was really embarrassed by the size of her bowel movement and didn’t want anyone to know that it came from her. She describes the single piece bowel movement as being quite thick and so long that it was sticking out of the water and almost up to the rim of the bowl. “I guess I just panicked when I couldn’t flush that thing down,” she tells us, “I just wanted to go out of there before someone could tell that it came from me.” She is also careful to point out that she did use toilet paper afterwards. “Heather D. keeps saying that I didn’t wipe myself,” she explains, “Just because she didn’t see any toilet paper in the bowl, she started telling people that I don’t wipe.”
Heather D. is the girl who ultimately found Beverly’s enormous bowel movement in the girls’ locker room toilet. The senior was serving detention for her gym class because she didn’t have her gym clothes today. Apparently, she went to use the toilet in the girls’ locker room before going home and then found that big bowel movement just sitting there in the toilet. “Heather D. screamed when she saw that thing in the toilet,” Coach Teiger explains with a laugh, “I went running in there to see what was wrong and of course, having just let Beverly go in there to use the toilet, it was pretty easy to figure out that the bowel movement was hers.” “I just didn’t want to add toilet paper to a toilet that wouldn’t flush,” Beverly explains, “But still Heather D. has been spreading it all over school that I don’t wipe myself.” That is apparently the subject of our next case – the charges that Beverly has filed against Heather D. – but we’ll get to that in a minute.
First, we must finish with Beverly and I have some bad news for her. “I’m not saying that you didn’t TRY to flush the toilet – I certainly believe you when you say that you did,” I assure her, “And obviously you didn’t leave the bowel movement there on purpose so it’s not a serious offense.” “But when you use the toilet in school, you are responsible for flushing it all down and leaving the bowl clear for the next girl,” I explain, “And when all is said and done, your bowel movement was still sitting there in the toilet.” “Therefore, I have to find you guilty,” I tell her, “And that is guilty of leaving the toilet unflushed after a bowel movement.” I sentence her to write, “I must learn to flush the toilet after using it” 150 times. “I’m pleased, though, that you went into another stall to wipe yourself and I obviously took that into consideration in determining your punishment,” I point out, “You were certainly right not to add your toilet paper to the unflushed bowel movement.” “Accordingly, I’m not giving you any detention,” I tell her with a smile, “You won’t have to miss any more basketball practice.”
Moving on to Beverly’s case against Heather D, I ask her to explain the accusation. “Well, as I said, she’s been saying all over school that I don’t wipe myself after I go #2,” she explains, “And, like I said, it’s just that I went into a different stall to wipe myself.” “She was also telling everyone about the big bowel movement that she saw in the toilet and telling everyone that it was me who did it,” she continues, “I mean, I know that I did do it, but I thought we weren’t allowed to make fun of other girls about bathroom stuff.” Beverly is absolutely correct about that, but I have to assess just how serious Heather D’s comments were. Certainly, we’re not about to punish every girl who makes a casual comment about something she saw in the girls’ room. Heather D. admits that she told some girls about Beverly’s big bowel movement and she did tell people that there wasn’t any toilet paper in the bowl to go with it. “But it’s not like I was spreading it all around school and I certainly didn’t say anything really nasty.” She is certainly well known around the school as a gossip and that gossip does sometimes take a nasty turn. Though she has no prior offenses in that regard this year (only 2 counts of loitering and once leaving a toilet unflushed herself), she has been guilty of bathroom harassment in the past. Although, I’m not allowed to consider offenses from prior school years when determining her punishment, I can certainly make note of it when determining her guilt or innocence
“Heather D. was telling people that Beverly shits like an elephant,” reports Lydia, a junior with deep blue eyes, called as a witness in this case, “And she was also saying that Beverly doesn’t wipe her skanky ass when she does.” “And she’s been saying that stuff all over school,” Beverly adds. Well, that provides quite a different picture than the one that Heather D. was trying to paint of her conduct. “Is all that true?” I ask her. Heather D. stands there puzzled, not really sure what to say at this point. “You’re in enough trouble already, Heather,” I warn her, “You don’t need to make it worse by lying.” “Now, did you say all that about Beverly?” I ask her. Reluctantly, she nods her head “yes.” When I ask her why she would spread such nasty rumors, she really has no explanation. One wonders why anyone would do such a thing, but I think it just comes down to Heather D. just being that kind of person.
“What you did was inexcusable,” I tell Heather D., “How would you like it if someone spread it around school that you don’t wipe yourself after a bowel movement?” “I just saw that there was no toilet paper in the bowl, so I thought she didn’t wipe,” she explains, if you can call that an explanation. “I did wipe myself, I always wipe myself,” Beverly interjects, “It’s just that I went into another stall to do it this time.” “Yes, you did, Beverly,” I tell her, “And let me say that that was the right decision and that’s one of the reasons you got such a light punishment.”
But Heather D., on the other hand, will not be dealt with so lightly. In addition to finding her “Guilty” of “Spreading Toilet-Related Rumors About Another Girl,” I add a charge of “Using Profanity to Refer to Bodily Functions” – that, of course, for her use of the word “shit” to refer to Beverly’s bowel movement. Heather D. will have to serve a week of detention and write Beverly a 2,500 word letter of apology. “And about that detention,” I tell her, “That detention will be spent standing in the corner with a sign on your back indicating your offense.” She lets out an audible groan at hearing that. “And you’ll also have to write the phrase ‘Bowel Movement’ 1,000 times,” I tell her, “That’s what proper young ladies call that particular function.”
Moving on to our third case in this rather strange trilogy, we have Allison, a cute, loner-type, and she is charged with writing on a girls’ room stall wall. Specifically she wrote, “Beverly doesn’t wipe herself” in red magic marker on a stall wall in the 2nd Floor girls’ room. “I was monitoring the 2nd Floor girls’ room between 3rd and 4th periods this afternoon,” reports Miss Sherwood, “Allison came in and immediately took the first stall.” “I heard her urinating and then I heard her pulling off some toilet paper to wipe herself,” she further explains, “But then I didn’t hear a toilet flush or hear her pulling up her pants.” “She was obviously doing something else in there after she was done with her legitimate bathroom business,” Miss Sherwood continues, “So I was paying close attention to her, wondering what she was doing.” “When she finally flushed and pulled up her pants and came out of the stall, she had a magic marker in her hand,” she tells us, “And then I saw the writing on the stall wall – In the same magic marker that she was holding in her hand.” “Wow – You really caught her red-handed – Literally!” I point out.
Allison pleads “Guilty” and tells me “I’m sorry – It was a really stupid thing to do.” “Don’t apologize to me, young lady,” I tell her, “Beverly is the one you need to apologize to.” “I’m sorry,” she tells Beverly, “I’m really sorry for writing that.” “Unfortunately, a verbal apology is not going to be good enough,” I inform her, “You’re also going to have to apologize in writing and that’s going to be 2,500 words of writing.” “Yes, sir,” she says. “You’re also getting a week’s detention,” I tell her, “And that’s going to be a week cleaning graffiti off the bathroom walls.” “That’s just cleaning off graffiti?” she asks me, “I don’t have to clean any toilets or urinals?” “That’s right,” I explain, “You wrote graffiti, so I’m assigning you to clean off graffiti.” “Thank you, sir,” she tells me, “I know you could have just given me bathroom cleaning and then I’d have to do the toilets, too.” “I actually could have given you a toilet suspension given the kind of graffiti you wrote,” I point out, “But I trust that it isn’t necessary in your case.” “Thank you even more for that, sir,” she says. Allison, a senior, experienced both toilet cleaning and a toilet suspension last year for the particularly disgusting offense of both urinating and defecating in a girls’ room garbage can during Saturday Detention. Obviously, she doesn’t want to experience either again.
Of course, I also ask her why she did it and she really can’t come up with an explanation, either. “I heard about her doing that big bowel movement in the girls’ locker room toilet,” she explains, “And I heard about there being no toilet paper in there with it.” “I guess I just thought that it was funny that she didn’t wipe herself after having a bowel movement,” Allison explains further, “I know it seems really stupid now, but it just seemed so funny at the time.” “I DID WIPE MYSELF!” Beverly calls out again, “I just wiped in a different stall!” “I know – I’m sorry,” Allison tells her again, “I guess I just didn’t think of that at the time.”
My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of November 29, 2011.
We begin today’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC), with a case that dates back all the way to last Thursday – that is, on Thanksgiving. Alissa, a quiet but pretty sophomore in the school band is charged with wetting her pants while the band marched in the world famous Wet Set Thanksgiving Day Parade. She was home sick from school yesterday, so her case got moved to today. “She messed in her pants at the parade last year,” reports Mr. Hornman, the Band Director, “So I guess we can call this an improvement since she only wet her pants this year.” Quite frankly, Mr. Hornman’s comments seem a bit harsh.
Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only time that Alissa messed in her pants last year, but fortunately for her, that was the only time that it happened at a band event. The other 7 messing accidents that she had last year, including 1 that was a doubleheader, happened at school. But I’m very pleased to note that she’s doing a lot better this year. This, in fact, is her very first accident of the school year, but since it happened during a parade that the band marched in she is not entitled to get off with just a warning. It is indeed one of those dreaded “while representing the school” accidents. In fact, not only is she not entitled to get off with just a warning, she’ll have to get more punishment than just for a regular accident occurring in school.
Since Alissa did have a messing accident at the parade last year, she actually has a requirement that she has to visit the girls’ room at all band events. I ask her about this. “Yes sir – I did,” she tells me, “I went in and used one of those port-o-pottys before we lined up for the parade.” “I didn’t go and use the port-o-pottys last year and that’s why I messed in my panties last year,” she explains, “I didn’t want to do that again this year – I know that I have to stop going in my panties.” “That’s really disgusting and I’m getting too old for that,” she adds. “Well, you sure seem to be doing a lot better this year,” I tell her, “You should be proud of that.” “Thank you, sir,” she replies, beaming a broad smile that seems to sparkle through her braces. “I went both ways in the port-o-potty before the parade,” she explains, “I had to go #1 and I had to go #2 and I did them both in there.” “I hate going in a port-o-potty – especially when it’s #2,” she continues, “But I knew that I had to go, so I did it – I knew it would have been even more disgusting to go in my pants like I did last year.”
“But I just had to go again during the parade,” she tells us, “I’m glad it was only #1, but I had to go real bad and I just couldn’t hold it in.” “I tried really hard to hold it in but I just couldn’t,” she continues, “It was so embarrassing to wet my pants during the parade – I’m trying really hard not to go in my pants anymore.” I confirm with Mrs. Duncan, the Assistant Band Director, that likeable sophomore blonde did indeed use the portable toilets before the parade. Had she not done that, it would constitute a 2nd toilet violation in addition to wetting her pants and I’d also be inclined to treat her pants-wetting a bit more harshly. “I had a checklist with all the girls that were required to use the toilet before the parade and they all did,” Mrs. Duncan reports, “I can’t say for sure that Alissa actually did anything when she was in there, but I assume that she did.” “But it was cold out there on Thanksgiving,” Mrs. Duncan explains, “And we were all drinking a lot of hot chocolate.” “A lot of girls went running for the toilets after the parade – even though they went to the bathroom beforehand,” she continues, “I guess Alissa just couldn’t hold it in long enough.” “That hot chocolate goes right through you sometimes,” the very lovely Mrs. Duncan tells us, “I came pretty close to wetting my pants myself and I used a port-o-potty before the parade, too.”
Under the circumstances, there’s clearly no reason to be severe with Alissa – especially since she’s doing so much better than last year. But this is still a wetting accident while she was representing the school as a member of the school band. She gets 3 days of detention and will have to write, “I will not wet my pants at school or during band events again” 300 times.
Yesterday was also the start of practices for the winter sports season and we already have a toilet violation case from the girls’ basketball team. Beverly, a tall and pretty blonde-haired junior, is charged with not flushing the toilet in the girls’ locker room toilets after using it during a break in yesterday’s practice. It isn’t a serious offense (as long as she didn’t leave it unflushed intentionally), but leaving it unflushed after a bowel movement (like Beverly did) is obviously more serious than if she had only urinated in there. As the violation only occurred at a practice and not an actual game, it doesn’t qualify as an offense while representing the school and won’t bring the friendly and popular blonde beauty the enhanced punishment that comes with that.
She has, however, pleaded “Not Guilty” – Claiming that she did indeed flush the toilet but her bowel movement was so big that it just wouldn’t flush down. “It didn’t clog the toilet or anything like that,” she tells us, “It’s just that my um um um um – stuff was just so big that it just sat there in the bowl when I flushed the toilet.” “We’ll get into all that in a minute,” I tell her, “But I also see that you filed a case yourself today that is related to that.” “Yes, sir,” Beverly explains, “Heather D. has been spreading rumors about me and my bowel movement in the girls’ locker room yesterday.” Fans of the TVPC surely know that while most of our toilet violations cases are filed by teachers and other school employees, students can also file cases against other girls for violating school toilet rules. And as if that weren’t enough, Miss Sherwood has also filed charges against a student named Allison for writing on the girls’ room wall – Writing also related to Beverly’s enormous bowel movement in the girls’ locker room yesterday. Looking over this confusing array of cases, I guess we’d better just start at the beginning.
Turning my attention to Beverly, I ask the tall, well-built junior beauty to tell us what happened at yesterday’s practice. “I was right in the middle of practice and I suddenly had to go really, really bad,” she explains, “So I told Coach Teiger that it was an emergency and she let me go to the locker room toilets.” “I kind of knew that it was going to be a big one,” she explains further, “But when it finally came out, I just couldn’t believe how big it actually was.” “I’ve never had a bowel movement that big in my entire life – especially not all in one piece like that,” the junior forward tells us, “I guess with all that I ate over Thanksgiving, that is what happened.” “Sometimes exercise like basketball practice causes the bowels to clear themselves out like that,” Coach Teiger, herself quite a beauty, points out, “I did a pretty big one myself right after practice yesterday.”
“When I flushed, the toilet water just swirled around that big thing, but it couldn’t move it,” Beverly continues, “I tried flushing the toilet a few times, but that thing just sat there in the toilet.” “I don’t know what else I could have done,” she adds.
“You could have at least told someone about it,” her coach chimes in, “You didn’t have to just leave it sitting there and go back to practice like nothing happened.” “There’s no reason to be embarrassed about having bowel movements – even big ones like that,” she tells the girl, “It’s not like I’m a MONK or something – I know about such things.” “I didn’t know what else to do,” Beverly repeats, “I tried flushing a few times but that thing just stayed there.” “As Coach Teiger explained, you should have told someone like your coach,” I tell her, “You shouldn’t have just left it there for someone else to find.” Upon further discussion, she admits that she was really embarrassed by the size of her bowel movement and didn’t want anyone to know that it came from her. She describes the single piece bowel movement as being quite thick and so long that it was sticking out of the water and almost up to the rim of the bowl. “I guess I just panicked when I couldn’t flush that thing down,” she tells us, “I just wanted to go out of there before someone could tell that it came from me.” She is also careful to point out that she did use toilet paper afterwards. “Heather D. keeps saying that I didn’t wipe myself,” she explains, “Just because she didn’t see any toilet paper in the bowl, she started telling people that I don’t wipe.”
Heather D. is the girl who ultimately found Beverly’s enormous bowel movement in the girls’ locker room toilet. The senior was serving detention for her gym class because she didn’t have her gym clothes today. Apparently, she went to use the toilet in the girls’ locker room before going home and then found that big bowel movement just sitting there in the toilet. “Heather D. screamed when she saw that thing in the toilet,” Coach Teiger explains with a laugh, “I went running in there to see what was wrong and of course, having just let Beverly go in there to use the toilet, it was pretty easy to figure out that the bowel movement was hers.” “I just didn’t want to add toilet paper to a toilet that wouldn’t flush,” Beverly explains, “But still Heather D. has been spreading it all over school that I don’t wipe myself.” That is apparently the subject of our next case – the charges that Beverly has filed against Heather D. – but we’ll get to that in a minute.
First, we must finish with Beverly and I have some bad news for her. “I’m not saying that you didn’t TRY to flush the toilet – I certainly believe you when you say that you did,” I assure her, “And obviously you didn’t leave the bowel movement there on purpose so it’s not a serious offense.” “But when you use the toilet in school, you are responsible for flushing it all down and leaving the bowl clear for the next girl,” I explain, “And when all is said and done, your bowel movement was still sitting there in the toilet.” “Therefore, I have to find you guilty,” I tell her, “And that is guilty of leaving the toilet unflushed after a bowel movement.” I sentence her to write, “I must learn to flush the toilet after using it” 150 times. “I’m pleased, though, that you went into another stall to wipe yourself and I obviously took that into consideration in determining your punishment,” I point out, “You were certainly right not to add your toilet paper to the unflushed bowel movement.” “Accordingly, I’m not giving you any detention,” I tell her with a smile, “You won’t have to miss any more basketball practice.”
Moving on to Beverly’s case against Heather D, I ask her to explain the accusation. “Well, as I said, she’s been saying all over school that I don’t wipe myself after I go #2,” she explains, “And, like I said, it’s just that I went into a different stall to wipe myself.” “She was also telling everyone about the big bowel movement that she saw in the toilet and telling everyone that it was me who did it,” she continues, “I mean, I know that I did do it, but I thought we weren’t allowed to make fun of other girls about bathroom stuff.” Beverly is absolutely correct about that, but I have to assess just how serious Heather D’s comments were. Certainly, we’re not about to punish every girl who makes a casual comment about something she saw in the girls’ room. Heather D. admits that she told some girls about Beverly’s big bowel movement and she did tell people that there wasn’t any toilet paper in the bowl to go with it. “But it’s not like I was spreading it all around school and I certainly didn’t say anything really nasty.” She is certainly well known around the school as a gossip and that gossip does sometimes take a nasty turn. Though she has no prior offenses in that regard this year (only 2 counts of loitering and once leaving a toilet unflushed herself), she has been guilty of bathroom harassment in the past. Although, I’m not allowed to consider offenses from prior school years when determining her punishment, I can certainly make note of it when determining her guilt or innocence
“Heather D. was telling people that Beverly shits like an elephant,” reports Lydia, a junior with deep blue eyes, called as a witness in this case, “And she was also saying that Beverly doesn’t wipe her skanky ass when she does.” “And she’s been saying that stuff all over school,” Beverly adds. Well, that provides quite a different picture than the one that Heather D. was trying to paint of her conduct. “Is all that true?” I ask her. Heather D. stands there puzzled, not really sure what to say at this point. “You’re in enough trouble already, Heather,” I warn her, “You don’t need to make it worse by lying.” “Now, did you say all that about Beverly?” I ask her. Reluctantly, she nods her head “yes.” When I ask her why she would spread such nasty rumors, she really has no explanation. One wonders why anyone would do such a thing, but I think it just comes down to Heather D. just being that kind of person.
“What you did was inexcusable,” I tell Heather D., “How would you like it if someone spread it around school that you don’t wipe yourself after a bowel movement?” “I just saw that there was no toilet paper in the bowl, so I thought she didn’t wipe,” she explains, if you can call that an explanation. “I did wipe myself, I always wipe myself,” Beverly interjects, “It’s just that I went into another stall to do it this time.” “Yes, you did, Beverly,” I tell her, “And let me say that that was the right decision and that’s one of the reasons you got such a light punishment.”
But Heather D., on the other hand, will not be dealt with so lightly. In addition to finding her “Guilty” of “Spreading Toilet-Related Rumors About Another Girl,” I add a charge of “Using Profanity to Refer to Bodily Functions” – that, of course, for her use of the word “shit” to refer to Beverly’s bowel movement. Heather D. will have to serve a week of detention and write Beverly a 2,500 word letter of apology. “And about that detention,” I tell her, “That detention will be spent standing in the corner with a sign on your back indicating your offense.” She lets out an audible groan at hearing that. “And you’ll also have to write the phrase ‘Bowel Movement’ 1,000 times,” I tell her, “That’s what proper young ladies call that particular function.”
Moving on to our third case in this rather strange trilogy, we have Allison, a cute, loner-type, and she is charged with writing on a girls’ room stall wall. Specifically she wrote, “Beverly doesn’t wipe herself” in red magic marker on a stall wall in the 2nd Floor girls’ room. “I was monitoring the 2nd Floor girls’ room between 3rd and 4th periods this afternoon,” reports Miss Sherwood, “Allison came in and immediately took the first stall.” “I heard her urinating and then I heard her pulling off some toilet paper to wipe herself,” she further explains, “But then I didn’t hear a toilet flush or hear her pulling up her pants.” “She was obviously doing something else in there after she was done with her legitimate bathroom business,” Miss Sherwood continues, “So I was paying close attention to her, wondering what she was doing.” “When she finally flushed and pulled up her pants and came out of the stall, she had a magic marker in her hand,” she tells us, “And then I saw the writing on the stall wall – In the same magic marker that she was holding in her hand.” “Wow – You really caught her red-handed – Literally!” I point out.
Allison pleads “Guilty” and tells me “I’m sorry – It was a really stupid thing to do.” “Don’t apologize to me, young lady,” I tell her, “Beverly is the one you need to apologize to.” “I’m sorry,” she tells Beverly, “I’m really sorry for writing that.” “Unfortunately, a verbal apology is not going to be good enough,” I inform her, “You’re also going to have to apologize in writing and that’s going to be 2,500 words of writing.” “Yes, sir,” she says. “You’re also getting a week’s detention,” I tell her, “And that’s going to be a week cleaning graffiti off the bathroom walls.” “That’s just cleaning off graffiti?” she asks me, “I don’t have to clean any toilets or urinals?” “That’s right,” I explain, “You wrote graffiti, so I’m assigning you to clean off graffiti.” “Thank you, sir,” she tells me, “I know you could have just given me bathroom cleaning and then I’d have to do the toilets, too.” “I actually could have given you a toilet suspension given the kind of graffiti you wrote,” I point out, “But I trust that it isn’t necessary in your case.” “Thank you even more for that, sir,” she says. Allison, a senior, experienced both toilet cleaning and a toilet suspension last year for the particularly disgusting offense of both urinating and defecating in a girls’ room garbage can during Saturday Detention. Obviously, she doesn’t want to experience either again.
Of course, I also ask her why she did it and she really can’t come up with an explanation, either. “I heard about her doing that big bowel movement in the girls’ locker room toilet,” she explains, “And I heard about there being no toilet paper in there with it.” “I guess I just thought that it was funny that she didn’t wipe herself after having a bowel movement,” Allison explains further, “I know it seems really stupid now, but it just seemed so funny at the time.” “I DID WIPE MYSELF!” Beverly calls out again, “I just wiped in a different stall!” “I know – I’m sorry,” Allison tells her again, “I guess I just didn’t think of that at the time.”
The so-called bathroom monitor is a blatant lesbian pantyhose pooper! She gets cheap thrills at those poor girls expense and even a few gorgeous teachers like Miss Musso and Miss Mars need to beware of this experienced pervert. She seems to be in the right place at the right time constantly, oh what a bitch she is. I can see trouble with the evil Mrs. Johns in the near future, since she is overdue to get what is coming to her and from her always full rectum. 
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