Toilet Violations Punishment Committee

[Arnold Ziffel]

Welcome to a session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) – this writer’s favorite fantasy. The story takes place in a high school not unlike other high schools. In this high school, however, there are strict rules regarding the toileting behavior of the school’s female students. Those who break the school toilet rules (including the rules against going to the bathroom in your pants) are brought before the TVPC to have their cases heard and their punishment given out if they are guilty. Meetings of the TVPC are called to order at 3:10 PM each school day in the TVPC meeting room – Room 222 of the high school. It should be noted that where this story takes place you need to be 18 in order to enter high school so all persons depicted, even though entirely fictional, are at least 18 years of age.

My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of October 11, 2012

We begin this afternoon’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) with a case arising on the school’s Field Hockey team. Yesterday, our girls’ Field Hockey team won a thrilling overtime victory at neighboring Capeside HS. Unfortunately, one of the girls on the team – specifically a junior named Brianna -- apparently committed a toilet violation while she was there. As faithful readers of the TVPC know, this would be a toilet violation while representing the school. That’s more serious than a toilet violation occurring during the regular school day. Coach Partridge, in her first year as coach of the team, has filed the Violation Report against Brianna and is here to present the case.

“Brianna went to the bathroom in the bushes at the game,” the pretty, first year coach and English teacher tells us, “It was halftime of the game and she just went into the bushes behind the storage shed and did her business there.” Out of the corner of my eye, I can see the athletic and outgoing Brianna flash her coach an annoyed look. “It’s one thing to go in the bushes when there’s no other choice,” the coach explains, “Obviously, I’d rather they go in the bushes than go in their pants.” “But there were regular bathroom facilities right there in the school building,” the coach explains further, “There was no reason for Brianna to be going to the bathroom in the bushes outside instead.”

“So I went to the bathroom in the bushes – I don’t see what the big deal is,” Brianna chimes in, “I was behind the storage shed and in a clump of bushes – It’s not like anyone could see me or anything.” “What do you think people were thinking when they saw you go back there,” the coach tells the friendly and outgoing Brianna angrily, “Maybe they didn’t actually see you with your pants down, but they knew very well what you were going back there to do.” “I don’t want people thinking that our team and our school doesn’t have any class,” she tells the junior, “We can’t just go to the bathroom anyplace we feel like it.” “There were bathrooms open and available right there in the school,” Coach Partridge reminds her, “All you had to do was take a little walk.” “You’re quite right, Laurie,” I tell Coach Partridge, “Urinating in the bushes is only what you do if there’s no other bathroom available.”

“I take it you’re admitting you went in the bushes?” I ask the Brianna, “I take it you’re pleading ‘Guilty’ to the charge?” At first, she just stands there with that same annoyed look on her face. But I press her for an answer. “Well, I did it so that makes me guilty, I suppose,” she says, “But I still don’t see what the big deal is.” “The school was all the way on the other side of the parking lot and the storage shed was right there next to the field,” Brianna explains, “So when I had to go and it was halftime of the game, I just ducked behind the storage shed to do it.” “I certainly know how to pop-a-squat if I have to,” she tells us, “With all the camping my family does, I’d really be in big trouble if I couldn’t.” “I still don’t see what the big deal is,” she says again, “Whether I poop in the toilet or in the bushes, it’s all pretty much the same to me.”

That last comment catches everyone by surprise. “Poop?” I ask her, “Did you just tell us that you DEFECATED in the bushes at the game?” “I just assumed you went back there to urinate,” I tell her. “I just assumed that, too,” Coach Partridge adds. “You didn’t really pop-a-squat back there to have a bowel movement, do you?” the coach asks Brianna. But Brianna just nods her head “yes.” “I just can’t believe you’d do that,” Laurie – that is, Coach Partridge, tells her angrily. “Urinating in the bushes is one thing – That’s bad enough,” she tells her, “But having a bowel movement back there is even worse.” “I just can’t believe that you’d do something like that,” she says, shaking her head, “I just can’t believe you wouldn’t walk over to the school and do that in a regular toilet.” “I don’t even want to know what you did about wiping yourself,” a very disgusted Coach Partridge points out.

“What difference does it make what I had to do and where I did it?” the junior says, with an annoyed tone, “I had to go to the bathroom and I went to the bathroom.” “Why did I have to go all the way into the school when I had bushes with privacy right there,” she argues, “As long as I didn’t go in my pants, I still don’t see what the big deal is.” “The big deal is that you’re supposed to go to the bathroom in the toilet,” the coach says to her, “And that’s especially true when you’re having a bowel movement!”

With that, I bang my gavel. “We really don’t need to argue this anymore,” I tell them both, “Brianna is obviously guilty as charged – In fact, she’s actually MORE guilty than the charge.” I then direct the TVPC clerk to amend the charge on Brianna’s offense. “The charge is amended to note that you DEFECATED in the bushes outside,” I tell her, “That’s obviously a bit more serious than just urinating there.” That brings another annoyed look to the cute junior’s recently braces-free face. “Well, I actually did both functions there,” she tells me sarcastically. “So would you rather face a separate charge and A SEPARATE PUNISHMENT for each bodily function you did?” I ask her angrily, “Or would you rather I just punish you for the more serious one?” “I’ll just take the one punishment, thank you,” she says, considerably more contrite this time. “I thought so,” I tell her.

Finally, I can now proceed to Brianna’s punishment. Coach Partridge recommends that Brianna do some toilet sitting punishment. “I think she’d benefit by doing some time on the toilet,” the coach says, “Perhaps that will help to teach her the proper place to urinate and have her bowel movements.” I couldn’t agree more. “That’ll be a week of detention and a week of your study hall period sitting on the toilet,” I tell her, “And that’ll be on the toilet in the girls’ locker room.” She’ll also have to write 300 times, “I will not urinate or defecate in the bushes at Field Hockey games again.” She’s certainly not happy to getting all that punishment (especially the lengthy writing assignment), but she knows better than to argue. “Just use the toilet from now on,” I tell her, “Or you may find yourself without your toilet privileges at all.”

As long as Coach Partridge is still here, we may as well deal with another matter concerning the girls’ Field Hockey team. It’s not actually another toilet violation case, but a matter of committee business. For this I call Krista to the podium. She’s a pretty sophomore brunette and also a member of the girls’ Field Hockey team.

It was a week ago yesterday that Krista messed in her panties while playing in a Field Hockey game over at Westdale HS. The next day, of course, she was before the TVPC to get her punishment for panty-soiling – a panty soiling while representing the school, of course. And unfortunately for Krista, it was not her first toilet violation of the Field Hockey season. It was indeed her first accident, but earlier in the Field Hockey season, she faced the TVPC for sneaking into a faculty bathroom at Chatswin HS and having a bowel movement in there. She was playing in a Field Hockey game that afternoon against Chatswin and before the game she and another girl went into the school to use the bathroom. But instead of using the student girls’ room like they should the two of them went and used the faculty/staff bathroom instead. That little adventure cost them each 250 lines of punishment writing and 2 hours in detention.

This all leads to 1 week ago, when Krista was back before the TVPC for messing in her panties the day before while playing for our Field Hockey team against Westdale. I first gave her the customary punishment for a first panty-soiling offense while representing the school – that being, a 500 times writing assignment and a week in detention. But since she had that prior offense for having a bowel movement in a faculty bathroom (again, while representing the school as a member of the girls’ Field Hockey team), I also tacked on a 2,000 word essay about her toilet habits at Field Hockey games and what she intends to do to improve them. Yesterday, she handed in those 500 times – written neatly on the front and back of 20 sheets of paper. But as of today, she still hasn’t handed in that 2,000 word essay. So now, as per the usual procedure, I’m calling her before the TVPC to give her one last chance to hand it in before her punishment gets doubled to a grueling 4,000 words.

“I hope you’ve finished that essay, Krista,” I tell the polite and pretty sophomore, “I know 2,000 words isn’t easy, but it’s nothing compared to 4,000.” “Yes sir, I have it done,” she tells me, holding up a packet of papers which I presume is her completed essay, “I was up pretty late to finish it, but here it is.” I then direct her to hand over the completed essay to the TVPC clerk. Our clerk looks it over and pronounces that it appears to be in good order. It will, of course, be checked closely and the words themselves carefully counted, but for now, Krista’s essay is accepted. “I trust that we’ve learned something from this?” Coach Partridge asks her, “I trust that we won’t be doing bowel movements in our panties any more?” “Yes Ma’am, I mean No Ma’am,” Krista mumbles. “I mean I won’t be going in my panties anymore,” she then explains, “I certainly don’t want to be writing another 2,000 word essay.” “The next one will be 5,000 words,” I point out, “This one will be a picnic compared to that.” “Yes sir,” she tells me, “I’ll remember that the next time I need to use the bathroom at a Field Hockey game.”

Hardly a day goes by for the TVPC when we don’t have at least one case of a girl soiling her panties in school and today is no exception. In fact, today we have 2 such cases.

The first such case is that of Phoebe, a sweet and pretty, although quite ditzy, junior. She’s got a substantial load in her panties this afternoon – easily detectable under her tight fitting jeans. Phoebe pleads “Guilty” to the panty-soiling, her 2nd such offense so far this school year, but notes that it happened in her History class with Mr. Feeney. Hearing that teacher’s name brings a few groans from the girls in the TVPC committee room today – more than a few of them serving detention due to bathroom-related issues with Mr. Feeney. Suffice to say, Mr. Feeney and the girls are not FRIENDS.

“I had to go and he wouldn’t let me go to the girls’ room,” Phoebe explains matter-of-factly, citing a familiar refrain. Mr. Feeney, a History teacher, is probably the strictest teacher in the whole school and maintains a strict “no girls’ room passes allowed” policy in all his classes. “Obviously, I did the mess in my panties,” Phoebe says, pointing to the bulge in the back of her jeans, “So I guess I just have to plead ‘Guilty’ and accept my punishment.” “But I just want to say that I really wanted to do this in the toilet instead of my pants,” she tells us, “I begged Mr. Feeney for a girls’ room pass but he just wouldn’t let me go.” “I know that teachers don’t have to give us bathroom passes if they don’t want to,” Phoebe acknowledges, “But I just wish that Mr. Feeney would sometimes – Especially when he knows how bad we really have to go.” “I know that I have to be responsible for my own bodily functions,” she further acknowledges, “But I really did want to go do it in the girls’ room like I’m supposed to do.” “I was trying to be responsible and go in the toilet but Mr. Feeney wouldn’t let me,” she adds, “I just wouldn’t have had an accident at all if he let me go to the girls’ room when I asked – That’s all I’m trying to say.”

Mr. Feeney is here and, like he always does, defends his strict, “no girls’ room passes policy.” “Class time is my time – it’s for learning,” Mr. Feeney says, “They can go to the lavatory on their own time.” “Sometimes we have to go during class time and we can’t wait,” shouts out Rachel, one of Phoebe’s FRIENDS. “Just look at the back of Phoebe’s pants,” Rachel argues, “Obviously, she really did have to go.” Rachel is here serving detention for a panty-soiling accident 2 days ago. That one had nothing to do with Mr. Feeney (she was trying to hold it in at lunch because she didn’t want to do it in the crowded girls’ room near the cafeteria) but she’s had her own problems with Mr. Feeney in the past. The ever strict History then argues that Rachel should receive an additional punishment (he suggests a 500 times writing assignment) for calling out like that. I decide, however, that a warning will suffice. “One more time, young lady, and I will take Mr. Feeney’s advice,” I warn Rachel, “It takes a long time to write 500 times and it’s certainly no fun doing it.”

Mr. Feeney also argues that Phoebe should receive the maximum punishment for her accident in his class – specifically his 5th period History class. That suggestion is just downright absurd. Though Phoebe is indeed responsible for her own bodily functions and must be punished for her accident, it’s impossible to not to consider the circumstances of how it happened. She apparently had every intention to go do it in the girls’ room like she’s supposed to do, but it was Mr. Feeney who prevented that from happening. Phoebe will have to serve 2 days in detention and write “I will not soil my panties in school again” 200 times. Mr. Feeney looks disappointed at the punishment, while Phoebe, though obviously embarrassed at having an accident, looks relieved.

[Arnold Ziffel]

Toilet Violations Punishment Committee

Our next case is that of Becky, a pretty blonde-haired junior. She is charged with soiling her panties earlier this afternoon. With the loose fitting, flower print skirt that she’s wearing, you can’t really tell that she’s got messed panties under there, but Miss Johnson (Becky’s 6th period English teacher) assures us that she does.

“I could tell by the way that she was walking that something was wrong,” states the lovely Miss Johnson, “She looked like she either had to do a bowel movement really bad or that she had already done one in her panties.” “At first, Becky denied she’d had an accident,” her English teacher continues, “She said that she just had to go and was going to get a pass from her next period teacher to go to the girls’ room.” “But even though you can’t really tell with that skirt she’s wearing, I still thought she might have messed in her panties,” Miss Johnson explains, “When I told her that I’d have to take her to the girls’ room for a panty inspection, she then admitted what she’d done.” A panty inspection is when a faculty or staff member checks a girl’s panties to determine if she’s had an accident in them. “Becky said it happened right after lunch,” Miss Johnson adds, “She said it must have been something she ate.” The comment draws a few giggles from those assembled. Becky’s mom ROSEANNE works in the school cafeteria.

“It’s just an excuse,” chimes in Darlene, Becky’s younger sister, from the spectators’ section, “The cafeteria food is just an excuse because she doesn’t like going to the girls’ room.” “Becky doesn’t like to poop at school,” Darlene continues with an evil-looking smile, “Becky wants us to think that she never goes poop at all.” “That’s just stupid – Everyone knows that we all poop,” Becky quickly counters her sister. “I’d just rather do it at home than at school,” she tells us, “I just think that going poop is something that’s private, that’s all.” “If you really wanted it to be private, you’d just go and do it in the toilet,” Darlene argues, “Did you ever think that doing it in your pants is the LEAST private way of doing it.” “I mean when you do it in the toilet like you’re supposed to, it’s over and done with,” the younger girl points out, “But you do it in your pants and carry it around all day to share with the rest of us.” Darlene’s comment draws a few laughs from the rest of the committee room and an embarrassed look from Becky. I bang my gavel and warn the sarcastic freshman to keep quiet.

“Well, at least I don’t leave the bathroom door open when I go to the bathroom – especially when I poop,” Becky snaps back feebly, “Do you know how disgusting it is to walk into our bathroom at home and she’s sitting there on the toilet?” Apparently, the sniping back and forth between the sarcastic outspoken freshman and the more shy and quiet Becky is familiar territory for these 2 sisters. And even more apparent is that Darlene usually gets the better of the argument. “At least I don’t mess in my panties like a baby,” Darlene quickly retorts, “When it comes to disgusting, I think that’s about the most disgusting thing there is.” I put up my hand for Darlene to stop, but she runs right through the stop sign. “You know, Becky’s already grounded for pooping in her panties,” she announces for everyone, “Last week, our mom found a pair of soiled underwear hidden under Becky’s bed.”

With that I bang my gavel to stop her. I then motion for Darlene to move from the spectator’s section of the TVPC committee room to the detention section. “Take a seat in the detention section, young lady,” I tell Darlene, “And take out a pen and a few sheets of paper as well.” I then assign her to write 100 times, “I will not call out at meetings of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee again.” Reluctantly, Darlene does what she is told and this time, it’s Becky that manages a small smile.

“I afraid I have to agree with your sister on this one,” I tell Becky, “Someone who is standing before me with a messy load in her panties has no business calling anyone else disgusting.” “It’s one thing to be a little shy about doing bowel movements in the girls’ room at school – I think most girls prefer to do them at home instead,” I point out, “It’s another thing entirely to not go at school when you need to and mess in your panties instead.” “And you really are drawing more attention to your bowel movements when you do them in your panties,” I also point out, “No one would be paying any attention at all to your bowel movement, had you just done it in the toilet instead.” Fighting back tears, Becky nods her head in acknowledgement of what I said. “This didn’t really happen because of a bad reaction to the cafeteria food, do it?” I ask her, “This happened because you didn’t want to go to the girls’ room and do your bowel movement there, didn’t it?” Once again, Becky nods her head “yes”, this time with the tears starting to fall.

“You’re going to be grounded for like forever now,” Darlene chimes in again with a big smile, “You’re still not done being grounded for the panties that mom found under your bed and now you mess in your panties again.” “THAT’S IT!” I yell at Darlene and bang my gavel in anger, “You’ll write that sentence 200 times now.” “And next time, it’ll be 500 times,” I warn her, “Keep running your mouth and you’ll end up being punished for this worse than your sister.” Glaring directly at Darlene, I wait for another comment but she’s smart enough to know she’s said way too much already.

Turning my attention back to Becky, I note that it’s her second panty-soiling offense of the school year – Her first being a particularly embarrassing accident while making a presentation to the student council last month. She’s also been previously punished for loitering in the girls’ room and cutting class to go home to use the toilet. I sentence her to write 200 times, “I will not soil my panties in school again” and to serve 2 days in detention. Once again, I look to Darlene but she’s too busy writing her punishment sentences to make a comment now. “The punishment gets worse for repeat offenders,” I tell Becky, “Let’s hope you learn to do your bowel movements in school before it comes to that.” Unlike Darlene, Becky seems to have nothing to say.

Moving on to other cases, it is my pleasure to bid welcome Miss Spellman, one of our Math teachers. She is here today to charge Monica, a pretty and FRIENDSly junior brunette, with being late to her 6th period Geometry class. Lateness to class is ordinarily a matter for the School Principal to handle, but since Monica was late to class because she was using the girls’ room beforehand, it’s a matter for the TVPC instead.

“I don’t normally like to bring cases like this,” states the easy-going Miss Spellman, who likes to be FRIENDS with her students, “I realize that girls have to go to the bathroom sometimes and there’s not a lot of time between classes to do it.” “Besides,” she says, “I’d rather that they take an extra minute or two between classes to take care of their business then rather than to have to waste class time going to the bathroom later.” “But Monica was about 5 minutes late for class,” the kindly Math teacher points out, “I know that it takes time for girls to go to the bathroom sometimes, but I just can’t tolerate her being THAT late for class.” “I’m sorry, Monica,” she tells the likeable junior sympathetically, “I just have to write you up for that.” Monica gives her teacher a sympathetic nod indicating she understands – She’s like FRIENDS with her as well.

Monica pleads “Guilty” to the offense (“Late for Class for Bathroom Purposes” is what it’s officially called), but asks to explain herself. “I had to do a BM and it took a while to do,” she tells us, “I know it’s no excuse for being late to class, but it was just what I had to do.” “It’s hard to even pee between classes and still make it to your next class on time,” she explains, “But it’s just about impossible to do a BM in so little time – Especially when it’s a big one like I had to do today.” “But I really needed to go and I didn’t want to go in my pants,” she says. “You should have come to class and then asked me for a pass to go to the girls’ room,” Miss Spellman chimes in, “I know I discourage you from going during class, but if you really need a pass, you know I’ll give you one.” “It’s one thing if you have to urinate – I do expect you to do that between classes if you need to,” she says, “But trying to do a BM between classes is crazy – Like you said, there’s certainly not enough time to do that without being late to class.” “That’s what girls’ room passes are for,” she adds, “It’s for those times when you need to do more than just urinate.”

“I know that you do give out girls’ room passes – You’re really nice about that,” Monica tells her, “I just wish all my teachers were like that.” “But I just felt like I couldn’t risk coming to class,” she says, “I just had to run right to the girls’ room when my previous class was over.” “I felt like if I even waited another minute that I was going to have an accident,” she continues, “I just had to get to the toilet as fast as I could.” She goes on to explain that she was denied a girls’ room pass by her previous period teacher even though she had to go really bad and begged him for a pass. When she explains that her teacher in that class is Mr. Feeney, we all know what she’s talking about. Mr. Feeney, a History teacher, never allows girls’ room passes on class time. She says that he made her hold it in all through his class and she barely made it without having an accident. “You wouldn’t believe how bad I really had to go,” Monica says, “I thought for sure I was going to have an accident, but somehow I managed to hold it in.” “I just had to run right from History class to the girls’ room,” she says, “And even then I was pretty lucky to find an open stall right away.” “If I didn’t find an open toilet right away, I’m sure I would have had an accident,” she explains, “And I definitely would have had an accident if I took the time to go to class and get a pass there.” “I messed in my panties last week because I waited too long,” she adds, “And I think I had to go even worse this time.” “I’m lucky I made it to the toilet in time,” she admits, “But somehow I did.”

“Well, then you probably made the right decision to go right then and not wait until you got to your next class,” I point out, “I am pleased you were able to avoid having another accident.” “I hope you’ll take that into consideration when you give me my punishment,” she says, “I know I was way late for class, but I really did try to get done and get to class as soon as I could.” “It’s like Miss Spellman said – Sometimes it takes a while to go to the bathroom,” Monica adds, “And this was one of those times.” Obviously, Monica’s punishment need not be severe. She was trying to do the right thing in doing her bowel movement in the toilet instead of her pants. Even Miss Spellman argues for leniency. She suggests that a mere warning will suffice. “I do have to give her a little more than that,” I tell the sympathetic Math teacher. Instead, I sentence Monica to an hour of detention and to write 100 times, “I will not be late for class again.” The pretty junior brunette seems pleased with that. She knows her punishment would have been worse had she messed in her panties and this way she avoided the shame of messy panties as well.

Next up, we have a visit from a vivacious and outgoing junior named Ivy. It seems that once again – Picking right up where she left off last year – she’s clogged one of our toilets. Our toilets can certainly take a lot, but the full-figured Ivy sometimes has bowel movements that are just too much for one of our toilets to handle. It seems that Ivy had 5 such toilet clogs last year – all Category #2 clogs under TVPC rules. Faithful readers of the TVPC surely know that a Category #2 clog is when a girl clogs the toilet with a combination of a bowel movement and toilet paper. Fortunately for Ivy, this time she’s only charged with a Category #1 – That is, clogging the toilet with only her bowel movement. That’s less serious than clogging the toilet with toilet paper in addition to the bowel movement.

“Yeah! I clogged it,” Ivy says reluctantly, as she pleads “Guilty” to the offense. “When I tried to flush it, it just got clogged in the bottom of the bowl and wouldn’t go down,” she explains, embarrassed by the sheer size of bowel movements, “I guess it was just too big to get flushed down.” “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Ivy says, obviously frustrated, “Sometimes when I go, it’s just too big to flush down the toilet.”

“She really didn’t do anything wrong,” states Teddy, a very pretty blonde-haired haired honor student and close friend of Ivy. “She just went in the toilet like she’s supposed to,” Teddy points out, “It’s not her fault that her bowel movement was so big that it got clogged.” “Unless you want her to go in her pants instead of the toilet, I don’t know what you expect her to do,” she adds. I give Teddy a dirty look, indicating that her sarcasm is not appreciated. “Really sir – I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” Ivy chimes in, “I go in the toilet when I need to – Obviously, the last thing I want is to do a monster that size in my pants.” “I’d hold it in and wait until I get home if I could,” she says, “But when I have to go, I really have to go.” “I just can’t hold back my bowel movements very long,” she says, “Especially when they’re big like that.” “Well, I don’t want you to be holding it in and making yourself uncomfortable,” I explain, “And I certainly don’t want you to be doing it in your pants.” “The toilets are there for you girls to use and you should use them when you need to,” I point out, “But we have a lot of girls that do need to use them in the course of a school day, and I can’t have clogged toilets.”

“But it really wasn’t her fault,” her friend Teddy chimes in again, “I was in the bathroom with her and she didn’t do anything wrong.” “You were in there with her?” I ask Teddy, as her statement raises a few eyebrows in the committee room. These 2 girls seem to do everything together, but sharing a girls’ room stall seems a bit much even for them. “I’m sure you know that the TVPC rules prohibit 2 girls being in a toilet stall at the same time,” I remind them. “I don’t mean that I was in the stall with her,” Teddy chuckles, “I mean, I was in the stall next to hers, taking care of my own bowel movement.” Like I noted, these 2 girls do everything together. “I know that Ivy tried to flush the toilet before she even started wiping herself,” Teddy continues, “So the clog was only her bowel movement and not even any toilet paper.” Teddy goes on to explain that Ivy was so careful about not making the clog any worse, that she didn’t put any toilet paper in the bowl at all. She explains that when Ivy wiped herself, she handed the used toilet paper to Teddy under the stall divider. “I took her toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet in my stall,” Teddy explains, “That way she didn’t make the clog any worse.” “And it probably would have made the clog a lot worse if I had used my own toilet for that,” Ivy adds, “Because I was really messy back there and I had to wipe myself a lot.”

“Well, you certainly did the right thing in not making the clog worse with toilet paper,” I tell Ivy, “That’s the difference between a Category #1 clogging and a Category #2.” “Teddy must really be a true friend to take your used toilet paper like that,” I add. “Yes, she is,” Ivy adds enthusiastically as she turns to Teddy and smiles, “A friend in the girls’ room is a friend indeed.” “Obviously, I’m taking into consideration that it wasn’t your fault you clogged the toilet,” I tell her, “And as your Violation Report says, it’s only a ‘Category #1’ clog to start with it.” “But as I said, a lot of girls have to use those toilets and we can’t allow girls to clog them,” I also point out, “So I do have to issue a punishment to discourage girls from clogging the toilet.” It’s Ivy’s first offense this school year and I give her the choice of serving an hour of detention or writing 100 times, “I will not clog the toilet in the girls’ room in school again.” “That’s all,” Ivy says, happily as she chooses the 100 times. “That’s all,” I tell her, “At least for a first offense.”

[Arnold Ziffel]

Toilet Violations Punishment Committee

The next girl to face the TVPC this afternoon is Alex, a smart and witty sophomore. She is charged with urinating on the toilet seat in the Science Wing girls’ room – Something that apparently happened while Alex was squatting there to urinate between 3rd and 4th periods earlier today. That being the accusation, I wonder why she is not also charged with leaving the toilet seat down while squatting to urinate. TVPC rules do allow girls to urinate while squatting over the toilet, but only if they first lift up the toilet seat. We’ll surely get into that as this case is heard. It should be an interesting case as Alex has pleaded “Not Guilty” to urinating on the toilet seat and stands here eager to defend herself.

As the very smart and very articulate sophomore stands before us, I can’t help but think about how different she is from her sister. While Alex is certainly no slouch in the good looks department herself – She has a sort of natural, wholesome beauty about her – She is certainly no match for her downright gorgeous older sister Haley. And while Haley got the good looks in the family, Alex certainly got the brains. Haley, who should have graduated last year, is back for a second chance at her senior year. I don’t think I’ve ever seen 2 sisters more dissimilar, but such is the case sometimes in today’s MODERN FAMILY.

“I didn’t urinate on the toilet seat,” Alex insists, as she begins her defense, “I just didn’t.” “I did go in there and urinate as Miss Robinson says,” she tells us, “But I urinated in the toilet not on the seat.” “I got all of it in the toilet – ALL of it!” she insists, “I didn’t get any on the toilet seat at all.” Miss Robinson is Alex’s Chemistry teacher and she was in the Science Wing girls’ room herself at the time. “I saw you go into the stall and I heard you urinating in there,” Miss Robinson reports, “And when you came out, I saw that the toilet seat was practically dripping wet.” But Alex counters that the toilet seat was already wet when she went in there. “It was literally dripping wet when I first went in there,” she says, “I don’t know who did it, but it certainly wasn’t me.” “And I don’t think it was an accident, either,” the articulate sophomore adds. “It’s one thing to spray a little on the toilet seat when you’re squatting,” Alex speculates, “But no girl wets a toilet seat that bad unless she’s trying to do it.” “Girls can be really disgusting,” she says, “I think we’re worse than boys sometimes.”

“It sounds like you’re admitting to squatting over the toilet,” Miss Robinson questions her. “Of course, I squatted over the toilet,” Alex tells her, “I wasn’t about to sit on a toilet seat dripping with urine.” “But it was SOMEONE ELSE’S urine that was on the toilet seat,” the sophomore beauty argues, “I got all of mine in the toilet like I’m supposed to.” I think to myself that what she’s supposed to do is lift up the toilet seat first, but we’ve got to resolve the “Urinating on the Toilet Seat” charge first. That charge, of course, is more serious than merely not lifting up the seat when you squat.

Miss Robinson still argues for Alex’s guilt. “If that toilet seat was already wet when you went in there, you would have used a different stall,” the young and pretty Science teacher argues, “Why did you use that same stall if you saw that the toilet seat was already covered in urine?” “Because I was in a hurry,” Alex quickly answers, “I was trying to use the girls’ room between classes and you have to do that in a hurry.” “You only have so much time between classes and if you have to use the girls’ room, you’d better hurry if you want to get to your next class on time,” she says, “I just didn’t have enough time to find another stall – Not if I wanted to do my business in there and still get to class on time.” “So I went in there and used that toilet anyway,” she explains, “It’s just that I squatted over the toilet instead of sitting down on that wet toilet seat.” “I don’t normally squat over the toilet – I almost always sit down,” she explains further, “But I do know how to squat if I have to and I do know how to get it all into the toilet when I do.”

Alex then goes on to point out that Miss Robinson says that she heard her urinating in the toilet. “You heard me because I was squatting instead of sitting and it makes more noise to urinate squatting than sitting all the way down,” Alex, the ever proficient Science student, reminds her teacher, “And I’m sure that you heard a pretty solid urine stream hitting that water.” Miss Robinson acknowledges that she did. “It was a lot and it was loud,” she tells Alex. “You heard all that urine of mine hitting the water,” Alex continues, “Do you really think I could do that much in the water AND still do that much on the toilet seat?” “I don’t have that big a bladder,” Alex adds, “Why do you think I’m always having to dash into the girls’ room after 3rd or 4th period every day.” “I guess not,” Miss Robinson acknowledges, “I guess you couldn’t wet that much on the toilet seat then.”

But just as Alex expects to be found “Not Guilty” – She did mount an impressive defense – I have a surprise for her. I do indeed find her “Not Guilty” of “Urinating on the Toilet Seat” and I authorize a TVPC investigation to find the guilty party on that. “But you’re not completely home free on this, young lady,” I tell a surprised Alex. “You may very well have not urinated on the toilet seat,” I tell her, “But obviously you were squatting and urinating with the toilet seat still down.” Alex just looks at me puzzled. “When you squat like that, you have to lift up the toilet seat first,” I explain, “That’s so the seat doesn’t get wet or soiled.” “It’s certainly not as serious as actually urinating on the toilet seat,” I point out, “But it’s still a toilet violation not to lift up the toilet seat.” “I guess I just forgot about that,” she says, “I had to urinate kind of bad at the time, so I guess I just wasn’t thinking about all that.” “I don’t usually squat like that – I usually sit all the way down,” she says, “I guess I just want’ thinking about the proper procedure.”

Acknowledging her comments and noting that this is Alex’s first toilet offense of any kind this school year, I move on to her punishment. I sentence her to an hour of detention and give her the choice of writing a 500 word essay on the proper procedure for squatting over the toilet or writing 100 times, “I will not squat over the toilet with the toilet seat still down.” Alex chooses the 500 word essay like I knew she would. “I’m sorry about not lifting up the toilet seat,” Alex tells me, “Now that I think about it, that’s really a good rule.” “And thank you for believing me about not urinating on the toilet seat,” she adds.

Just as I’m about to gavel this TVPC session to a close, I look up and see that Miss Bliss is asking to be recognized. I’d normally assume that she has another case to present to us (presumably a toilet violation that just happened) but she doesn’t appear to have a student with her to charge with any such toilet violation. Naturally, I ask her about this.

“Yes sir – I do have a case,” Miss Bliss tells us. “It just happened a few minutes ago with a girl I had in detention,” she explains, “She’s in the girls’ room now and should be here in a minute.” With that, the girl – Specifically Becca, a pretty, athletic, cheerleader – Suddenly enters the committee room. “Thank you, Miss Bliss – I really needed that,” she tells her teacher, breathing a sigh of relief.

It’s a rather unusual beginning to a TVPC case, as I motion both of them to the podium and I ask Miss Bliss to present her case. She explains first that she had Becca in detention in her classroom this afternoon. “I warned her several times about talking in class,” Miss Bliss points out, giving her student that familiar disappointed teacher look, “But unfortunately some young ladies need to learn their lesson the hard way.” The “hard way” – As Miss Bliss describes it – is the talkative junior having to stay for detention and write “I will not talk in Miss Bliss’s class again” 100 times on the blackboard. But I stop Miss Bliss for a moment. “Talking in class is not a toilet violation,” I point out, motioning that we need to get on with this case.

“I had to go to the bathroom, sir,” Becca then explains, “I mean, I really, really, REALLY had to go to the bathroom.” “So I asked Miss Bliss if I could go to the girls’ room,” she explains further, “There was no way that I was going to finish my 100 times, without wetting my pants first.” “At first she said that I couldn’t go until I finished my lines,” the pretty cheerleader tells us, “But then I think she realized how bad I really had to go and that I was close to having an accident.” “Miss Bliss asked me if it was an emergency,” Becca continues, “And that was when I said something that I wasn’t supposed to say.”

“Well, what was it that you said,” I ask her. But Becca looks at me puzzled, understandably reluctant to repeat what it was that got her into trouble in the first place.” “Becca told me ‘I gotta take a piss so bad, my back teeth are floating,’” Miss Bliss then explains, “So I’m charging her with ‘Using Profanity to Refer to her Bodily Functions.’” “It just slipped out – I didn’t mean anything by it,” Becca tells us, apologetically, “I guess I just had to pee so bad, I wasn’t thinking.”

“URINATE!” I tell her emphatically, “The proper word is ‘URINATE’ – it’s certainly not ‘pee’ and ‘piss’ is even worse.” “Yes sir,” she answers, “I’m sorry I didn’t say it right.” “I certainly didn’t mean any disrespect to Miss Bliss,” she adds, “I guess I’m lucky she let me go to the girls’ room at all after what I said.” “You’ve got that right,” I tell Becca, “You’re mighty lucky not to be facing a charge of wetting your pants and mopping up a puddle on Miss Bliss’s floor.” “I’m kind of surprised you actually let her go,” I tell Miss Bliss. “I already had 2 puddles on my floor from girls on toilet suspension,” she tells us with a smile, “I certainly didn’t want another one.” “Thank you for letting me go,” Becca says again, “I didn’t want to be making a puddle on your floor, either.”

Becca’s offense isn’t a serious one, but obviously we can’t tolerate girls saying “piss” or using other profanity to refer to their bodily functions. Accordingly, I sentence her to write “Urinate” 500 times. “500 times?” the cheerleader reacts with surprise at the severity of her sentence. “Relax!” Miss Bliss tells her, “It’s only a single word 500 times and not a whole sentence.” “In the meantime, it’s back to my classroom,” she tells the pretty junior, motioning for her to follow, “You still have sentences left to write on my blackboard.”

So concludes another session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee. Meeting adjourned at 4:01 PM.

[Arnold Ziffel]

Krista's Punishment Essay

NAME: Krista

TVPC Punishment Essay

Offense: Panty-Soiling (While Representing the School)

Offense Date: 10/04/2012

Length: 1,000 Words

Due Date: 10/11/2012

I am writing this essay because I need to improve my toilet habits at Field Hockey games. This 2,000 word punishment essay is my punishment for my poor toilet habits at Field Hockey games so far this year. One time I used the faculty bathroom at a game because it was nicer than the student girls’ room that I was supposed to use. And most recently I went to the bathroom in my panties at a Field Hockey game because I didn’t want to go in the port-o-potty bathroom that was there at the game. I need to improve my toilet habits because it’s important to have good toilet habits. And it’s especially true that I must have good toilet habits at Field Hockey games because when I’m playing Field Hockey, I represent not only myself but my team and my whole school. When I have toilet violations at games, especially when I go in my pants, I embarrass not only myself but my whole school. So I really need to improve my toilet habits at Field Hockey games so I’ll be a good and proper representative of my school.

Back earlier in the season we were playing a game at Chatswin HS. I had to go to the bathroom both ways and I went into the school to find the bathrooms. But when I went into the girls’ room, I saw that none of the toilets had any doors on them. I think if I just had to pee, I would have just used the toilet and been done with it. But since I had to poop, too, I really didn’t want to use a bathroom with no doors on the stalls. I guess I shouldn’t complain about the girls’ rooms here because at least we have doors on the stalls. I remember seeing the female teachers’ bathroom as I was walking into the school, and I thought that they’d probably have doors on the stalls there. So I snuck into the teachers’ bathroom and did my business there. I knew I shouldn’t have gone in there but I really had to do poop and I didn’t want to do that in a bathroom where they didn’t have doors on the stalls.

I realize now that not having doors on the stalls is no excuse for not using the bathroom that I’m supposed to use. And I know now that my being caught in the wrong bathroom was not only a bad thing for me to do, but it made my whole team and even my whole school look bad, too. I am very sorry for what I did and I promise that I will never do this again, no matter what the regular girls’ rooms are like at the schools where we play Field Hockey in the future.

But even worse than that is what I did at a Field Hockey game this past Thursday at Westdale HS. I am very embarrassed to say that I had an accident and messed in my panties at the game. I am very sorry for what I did and promise to never to do it again. I fully realize that when I’m playing Field Hockey for my school, I’m representing my school. Having an accident in my panties while representing my school not only is an embarrassment to me but an embarrassment to my whole school. I am very ashamed of what I did and very sorry for the embarrassment I caused my team and my school. I must learn that when I need to do a bowel movement at a Field Hockey game, I need to do it in the toilet instead of my panties. It’s not only embarrassing to do a bowel movement in my panties, but it’s very disgusting and I promise never to do it again. I promise that in the future I will be using the toilet whenever I need to and I promise that I’ll never mess in my panties at a Field Hockey game again.

It happened at the game because I had to go and didn’t want to do it in the port-o-potty bathrooms that were there at the field. They were the only bathrooms that were available at the game. I tried really hard to hold it in at the game, but just as the game was ending, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer and it started coming out in my panties. Then on the bus ride coming home from the game, a lot more came out in my panties and that made the mess in my panties really, really bad. It’s not that any mess in my panties could be considered good – especially for a girl in high school like me – But I’m ashamed to say that before I was done, there was a whole lot of poop in my panties. I had to go to bathroom really bad and I wasn’t able to hold any of it in. When I finally did get to the toilet, I had nothing left to do in the toilet – it was all in my panties. I’m very ashamed of what I did and I know that I have to do better next time.

In addition to being very ashamed of myself for doing it, I’m also very disgusted at myself. I thought that going in the port-o-potty was disgusting, but I realize now that that’s nothing compared to how disgusting it is to mess in my panties. I can try to describe to you how disgusting it is to be sitting on a school bus with a big mess in your panties, but unless you get to experience it for yourself, you can’t really understand how disgusting it really is. Of course, that’s why people go in the toilet instead of messing in their panties, but I guess I had to learn that the hard way. But, I can assure you that by learning it the hard way, I’ll never forget the lesson that learned and I promise that I’ll never mess in my panties at a Field Hockey game again.

As I said, I tried really hard to hold it in at the game – I certainly didn’t go in my panties on purpose. But obviously I have no one to blame but myself for the mess in my panties. I knew that I had to go to the bathroom at the game and I should have known that trying to hold it in as long as I did was going to result in an accident. I had to go to the bathroom practically from the start of the game and I should have known better than to try to hold it in that long. By halftime of the game, I really had to go bad and I certainly should have gone then. There really was no excuse for not going then and I certainly should have known at this point that holding it in any further was going to result in an accident. But I guess I didn’t really want to think about that. I guess all I could think about was how I didn’t want to go in the port-o-potty and as such, I just didn’t do what I knew that I had to do. And then, of course, I eventually couldn’t hold it in any longer and I had a big mess in my panties to deal with. Suffice to say, it was really stupid of me to hold it in so long and I have no one to blame for my accident but myself.

As I said before, I don’t like to use port-o-potty bathrooms and that’s why I kept holding it in when I knew I really had to go bad. I know now how stupid that was because no matter how disgusting a port-o-potty may be, it can’t be more disgusting than what happens when you don’t use it. Having a messy load in your panties is about the most disgusting thing that you can have happen. I really wish that I could go back in time and undo what I did at the game. I wish that I could back and undo the shame I caused myself and the shame I caused my team and my whole school. I really wish that I could go back in time and use the port-o-potty when I had the chance. But I know that I can’t go back in time and I change what I did. All I can do now is promise that next time I will use the port-o-potty or do whatever I need to do to avoid messing in my panties again.

Unless you’ve had it happen to you, you just don’t know how disgusting it is. You don’t know how it feels to be shaking hands with the other team at the end of the Field Hockey game, while you feel yourself losing control of your bowel movements. It just feels so bad when the load is forcing itself out between you butt cheeks and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You keep hoping that somehow you can stop it, but it just keeps coming out and you realize that you waited too long and now you’re really in trouble. Then, as it comes out, you feel it pushing your panties out in the back and you hope that no one notices. I guess it’s good that we wear skirts for Field Hockey, as it would be so much worse to do this wearing shorts. But when you have to go as bad and as much as I did, you start to worry about the poop pushing out your skirt as well. But just when you think that’s the worst there is, you feel the poop start to all settle in your panties and you know you’ve got a bad mess to deal with. Then it smears all over your backside and as you walk it smears worse all between your butt cheeks and when your mess is as bad as mine was, you start to feel it between your legs when you walk. Believe me, you don’t want this to happen and I promise that I’ll never let it happen to me again.

At first I was thinking I could keep this a secret from my coach and the girls on my team. I tried to walk as casually as I could and I tried to sit alone on the bus and hope that the cover of wearing a skirt would protect me. But the mess in my panties was just too bad for that, and once on the bus, I guess it was the smell that gave me away worse of all. I was never so embarrassed as when Coach Partridge confronted me and I had to admit what I did. And then as she yelled at me and told me how ashamed she was of me, I could hear the other girls on the team laughing at me. No matter how ashamed of me Coach Partridge was, it’s nothing compared to how ashamed I was of myself. Then, of course, she wrote me up for soiling my panties while representing the school and I had to go before the TVPC to get my punishment. And for my punishment I had to serve a serve a whole week of detention and write 500 times, “I will not soil my panties in school or at Field Hockey games again.” And, of course, I also had to write this 2,000 word essay.

My punishment was bad and I certainly don’t want to do that again – or a worse punishment if I do it again – but having the mess itself was definitely the worst part of this. I never want to have a mess in my panties again and that’s why I’ll always use the bathroom when I’m suppose to (even if it’s a port-o-potty) and I promise to never mess in my panties at a Field Hockey game again. And I promise that I’ll never try to sneak into a Faculty bathroom or any other bathroom that I’m not supposed to use again. I promise that I’m going to work really hard to improve my toilet habits at Field Hockey games. I promise that I really have learned my lesson.

[spandexman]

Missed your great reports.

Welcome back and thanks.

[Drying]

I was afraid you had left.

The report was good as always, and I really enjoyed reading the essay.
Looking at the essay's due date, this report took quite a while to write.

[Guest]

Thanks, Arthur, for another excellent report. Those girls really keep you busy! I do appreciate the Modern Family reference; I just knew that Alex would caught eventually.

[Arnold Ziffel]

Thanks

Thanks to everyone for their kind words. It's good to be back.

Note that the minutes are from an October TVPC meeting, so the punishment essay was indeed turned in on time. Krista would really be in trouble if it weren't -- she would certainly be on toilet suspension by now.