Toilet Violations Punishment Committee

[Arnold Ziffel]

Welcome to a session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) – this writer’s favorite fantasy. The story takes place in a high school not unlike other high schools. In this high school, however, there are strict rules regarding the toileting behavior of the school’s female students. Those who break the school toilet rules (including the rules against going to the bathroom in your pants) are brought before the TVPC to have their cases heard and their punishment given out if they are guilty. Meetings of the TVPC are called to order at 3:10 PM each school day in the TVPC meeting room – Room 222 of the high school. It should be noted that where this story takes place you need to be 18 in order to enter high school so all persons depicted, even though entirely fictional, are at least 18 years of age.

My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of March 25, 2013.

Today’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC), brings news of Saturday’s sectional championship game for the girls’ basketball team. Unfortunately, our team lost the game, but, of course, that’s not really what we’re here to discuss. Once again, the championship game was played at Hickory HS – A school renowned for its fine old-fashioned basketball facilities but perhaps equally well-known for it’s less than desirable bathroom facilities. With no doors on the stalls in the girls’ rooms, past trips to Hickory have been a problem for the girls on the team and apparently this year is no exception. Coach Teiger, the beautiful blonde-haired coach of the team, is here as usual.

“I’m happy to report that we didn’t have any actual accidents on the team this year,” Coach Teiger tells us with a smile, “I’m proud of my girls for braving those doorless stalls and doing what they had to do at the game.” “But we did have some other toilet violation issues,” the coach also reports, “And I had to file Violation Reports on Trina, Amber, Anna May, Beverly, and Heidi.

I first deal with Trina, a gawky tomboyish sophomore who is the 2nd string point guard on the team. She messed in her panties at the championship game last year and she messed in her panties at a game earlier this year. As a result of that latter offense – Panty-Soiling While Representing the School – Trina has a requirement that she must use the girls’ room at all basketball games for the remainder of the school year. Though, she didn’t have an accident at Saturday’s game, she apparently didn’t visit the girls’ room, either.

“Trina didn’t use the girls’ room the whole time that we were there,” reports Coach Teiger, “That’s a violation of the terms of her punishment for the accident she had at the Westdale game earlier this season.” “She went before she got on the bus to leave here,” the pretty and athletic coach also reports, “And she didn’t go again until she got back here after the game.” “You’re really lucky that you didn’t have an accident,” she tells Trina, “And then you’d have REALLY been in trouble.” “But I didn’t have an accident,” Trina argues, “Like you said, I went before we left and I went again when we got back.” “You even checked my panties in the girls’ room when I was in there peeing,” she tells her coach, “You know that I didn’t wet or mess my panties at all.” “It just really wasn’t an issue for me this year,” the sophomore brunette says, “I went #2 at home after lunch so I didn’t have to do that at the game and I went pee before we left so I didn’t have to do that, either.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad that you didn’t have another accident – Especially at a game,” the coach tells her, “But you know very well that’s not the point.” “You’re not allowed to just hold it in the whole time – You are required to use the girls’ room at least once at every game,” Coach Teiger continues, “And that’s because you did have an accident at a game earlier this year.” “I’m afraid just not having an accident is not good enough anymore after that,” the Coach points out, “Using the girls’ room is supposed to help you NOT have an accident at a game again.”

But Trina tells us that the bathrooms at the game were “really, really bad.” “They were even worse than last year,” she argues. “This year they put us in the boys’ locker room,” she tells us, “They had urinals in there.” “Well, I’m sure they had more than just urinals in there,” I tell her, “I’m sure they had regular toilets as well.” “Of course they did,” Coach Teiger points out, “They did have 3 urinals in there but they also had 2 regular toilets.” “There was no reason why you couldn’t have used one of those toilets,” she tells Trina. “Ewwww! – They were still gross,” Trina argues, “One of the toilets didn’t even have a stall around it.” “I mean, it’s bad enough when there’s a stall without a door on it,” the sophomore tells us, “But there was one toilet in there that was missing the whole stall.” “I mean, there was just a toilet sticking out from the wall,” she continues, an exaggerated look of disgust on her face, “There was absolutely no privacy at all.”

But Coach Teiger looks very frustrated at hearing that from Trina. “No one said that you had to use that particular toilet,” she tells her backup point guard, “You certainly could have used the toilet that did have a stall around it.” “And no one said that you couldn’t use the girls’ room in the hall,” Coach Teiger points out, “In fact, I specifically said that you could do that.” “A lot of your teammates did go and use the girls’ room in the hall,” she continues, “You could have easily gone with them and satisfied your toileting obligation then.”

“But I really didn’t have to go,” Trina then argues, “I mean, I guess I could have used the toilet at the game, but I really didn’t have to go.” “Oh Really?” Coach Teiger asks her incredulously, “You didn’t have to go?” She insists that she didn’t, but the Coach explains that Trina headed immediately to the girls’ room once they got back here. “You were the first girl off the bus and you made a bee line right for the girls’ room,” she points out, “It sure looked like you had to go.” “And then once you got going, you REALLY got going,” Coach Teiger continues, “You were urinating so long and so hard that we could hear it in the hallway.” Her vivid description of the girl’s urination brings a few giggles from the assemble crowd. “With your propensity for having accidents at games, you really shouldn’t be pressing your luck by holding it in so long,” she adds.

“But that’s just it, Coach Teiger,” Trina responds, “I have a really big bladder and I can easily hold it in for a really long time.” “I know I peed a lot, but honestly I was nowhere close to having an accident,” she explains, “I can go for a really long time between peeing and it really wasn’t a problem for me.” “You can look at my toilet record – You can see that I never have peeing accidents,” she tells me, “It’s only when I have to do the other thing that I get in trouble.” “I just can’t hold that in as long as I can hold it in when it comes to peeing,” she claims, “And fortunately, I didn’t have to do that at the game at all.” Trina’s point may be well-taken, but it’s entirely beside the point. “The point is that because of your previous accident at a game, you have a requirement that you must use the toilet at all games,” I explain, “And the bottom line is that you didn’t go to the girls’ room at all at the game Saturday night.” “Is that correct, Trina?” I ask her. Reluctantly, she answers “yes” and I promptly find her “Guilty” as charged.

In determining Tina’s punishment, my first thought is that a nice writing assignment would do wonders to help her remember to sit on the toilet next time. But the more I think about it, the more I think that the direct approach will be better. “I’m going to spare you a writing assignment,” I tell her, “At least you didn’t go in your pants this time.” “But I am sentencing you to a week in detention,” I explain, “And that will, of course, be detention time sitting on a toilet in the girls’ locker room.” “A whole week?” she asks. “Absolutely,” I tell her, “Maybe next time you’ll go sit on the toilet when you should.” “A 3 minute trip to the girls’ room at the game could have spared you this,” I remind her.

For our next case, I call to the podium Amber, a tall and muscular center, and Anna May, a tall but skinny forward. These 2 girls are both charged with “Bathroom-Related Teasing.” You’d think that by the time these girls get to high school they’d have outgrown this type of thing, but we do get incidents from time to time of girls teasing each other about their bathroom functions. But this time, I do a double take when I read the Violation Report.

“Are you kidding me?” I ask the juniors. “Teasing your teammates on the toilet would be bad enough,” I point out, “But this is actually hard to believe.” “Are you kidding me?” I ask them again, “Were you 2 really teasing Coach Teiger on the toilet?” I see Coach Teiger nodding her head “yes” as the 2 girls stand there silent, not really sure what to say next. I press them for an answer. “Were you 2 girls teasing Coach Teiger on the toilet?” I ask them again.

“Well, it wasn’t exactly like we were teasing her,” Amber answers, “We just made a few comments and stuff but it wasn’t like we were teasing our Coach.” Anna May nods her head in agreement. “Yeah – We were just kidding around a little bit,” Anna May chimes in, “We would never tease Coach Teiger about stuff like that.” I find their explanation unconvincing to say the least. “There is no reason to be making any comments at all while someone is on the toilet,” I tell them both, “Somebody else doing THEIR business is none of YOUR business.” “Apparently they weren’t the nastiest of comments and that’s at least something,” I continue, “But there is absolutely no reason to be saying anything at all.” “I would think that you 2 young ladies would know better than this,” I lecture them, “I’d certainly expect a lot more from 2 members of our varsity basketball team.” Obviously, Amber and Anna May were representing the school as members of the basketball team and that, of course, makes theirs a more serious offense than bathroom teasing in school. And, of course, I also have to consider that the girls were teasing a faculty member.

Turning to Coach Teiger, the very pretty, blonde-haired basketball coach explains that the bathroom in the coach’s office was out of order. “It was out of order so I went and used the student toilets,” she explains, “It hardly seemed like a big deal at the time.” “So I’m sitting there doing what I had to do,” the Coach explains further, “And suddenly these 2 are giggling and pointing over at me.” Coach Teiger then explains that Amber suddenly yelled out “Holy cow – She’s pooping” and started holding her nose in an exaggerated reaction to the smell. “And then Anna Mary started making flatulence noises and stuff,” the coach also explains. “Like you said, Mr. Chairman, I’ve certainly seen worse cases of bathroom teasing than this,” she acknowledges, “But these 2 still need to learn a lesson that bathroom teasing is unacceptable.” “Still, I wouldn’t be that hard on them,” she offers. “It probably is better that they did it to me instead of some of the girls on the team,” Coach Teiger says, “I’d hate to see them scare some shy, self-conscious girl out of using the toilet when she needed to.”

But I’m a lot less sympathetic to what the girls did. “This was outrageous – Simply outrageous!” I tell them angrily, “People have a right to use the toilet without getting teased about it – And that is especially true of teachers and coaches.”

“We’re sorry, sir – We were only kidding around,” Anna May says as Amber nods her head in agreement, “We really didn’t mean anything by it.” Amber then goes on to explain that they were not only surprised to see Coach Teiger using the student toilet facilities, but surprised to see her using that particular toilet. “Like Trina was saying before, one of the toilets didn’t even have a stall around it,” Anna May explains, “And that was the toilet that Coach Teiger was using.” “And she was using it for pooping!” Amber quickly adds. “I mean it was just a toilet that was sticking out from the wall,” Anna May explains further, “And Coach Teiger was sitting there doing a #2 in front of everyone.” “We were just surprised to see her doing that,” Amber chimes in, “I would never go to the bathroom on a toilet like that – Especially for pooping.” “Well, maybe that’s why you have 2 accidents on your toilet record this year,” Coach Teiger points out. “When you need to go, you should just go and use the toilet,” she says, “What difference does it make if the stall has a door on it or even if there’s a stall at all.” “It makes a big difference,” Anna May responds. “It’s one thing to go in a stall without a door – I can deal with that,” she explains, “But when there’s no stall at all, that’s something else.” “I mean Amber and I both went #2 at the game that night,” she explains further, “But we used the other toilet – The one that had a stall around it.” “I’m really glad that toilet was there,” Anna May adds.

Coach Teiger explains, though, that to her it’s no big deal. “If you need to use a stall, that’s fine,” she tells the girls, “I’m certainly glad that you went in the stall instead of going in your pants.” “But we all need to use the toilet – I don’t know what you think is so secret about it,” the coach adds. She also points out that when she went over to the bathroom area, there was already someone using the stall and Leslie and Staci were waiting to use it. “The open toilet was unoccupied, so I just sat down and used it,” Coach Teiger tells us, “Like I said, it just wasn’t a big deal for me.” “We’re sorry – We’re really sorry!” both Amber and Anna May tell the coach, almost in unison.

Moving on to the girls’ punishment, I first give them a stern writing assignment – Specifically, 500 times of “I will not tease others on the toilet in school or at basketball games again.” “It’s too bad we don’t have any toilets like that here,” I tell the 2 girls, “Then we could make you feel what it was like for Coach Teiger.” “So we’ll just have to do the next best thing,” I explain. I then sentence each of them to 2 weeks where they won’t be allowed to close the stall door when using the girls’ room in school. “You’ll use the toilet with the stall door open for the next 2 weeks,” I tell them both, “And during that time, you’ll have at least 2 bowel movements that way.”

Anna May asks me how the last part of that will work. “The punishment will be in effect for AT LEAST 2 weeks,” I explain, “But, if at the end of 2 weeks, you still haven’t had 2 bowel movements in school with the stall door open, the punishment will extend until you do.” “And you better not have any accidents instead of using the toilet that way,” I warn them, “Because that’ll mean another week added to your punishment.”

The next matter from Saturday’s basketball game concerns Beverly, a tall and pretty senior brunette. I see that Coach Teiger has filed 2 charges against her – Specifically, “Pants-Wetting” and “Urinating on the Bathroom Floor.” I’m quite frankly confused by the 2 charges. “I’m not sure I understand,” I tell Coach Teiger, “How can a girl both wet her pants and urinate on the bathroom floor.” “If a girl thoroughly wets her pants and some of it winds up on the floor, that’s still only pants-wetting,” I point out, “It’s not urinating on the floor unless a girl urinates directly onto the floor.” “Yes, Mr. Chairman – I know that,” Coach Teiger says, “But that’s not quite what happened here.” “Beverly was actually urinating directly onto the floor at the same time that she was urinating in her pants,” she explains. But that explanation does little to cure my confusion. “I think I’m even more confused now,” I tell her. “It’s kind of a long story,” Coach Teiger tells me, “And it involves Heidi as well.” At the coach’s request, I motion for Heidi, a tall and pretty blonde, to join them at the podium.

Coach Teiger then proceeds to explain in detail. “It was mentioned before how we were in the boys’ locker room at the gym in Hickory,” she tells us, “And in that locker room, they had 3 urinals in addition to 2 regular toilets.” “Apparently just using one of the toilets wasn’t exciting enough for Beverly,” Coach Teiger continues, “Because she went over and tried to use one of the urinals.” “And the operative word is TRIED to use one of the urinals,” the coach explains further, “Suffice to say, her little adventure didn’t go as planned.” “And this one put her up to it,” Coach Teiger tells us, pointing to Heidi, “She’s the one who encouraged Beverly to use the urinal in the first place.” “In fact, as I understand it, Heidi did more than just encourage Beverly,” she says, “She offered Beverly $20 to use the urinal instead of a toilet.” Now turning back to Beverly, the coach ask her, “Would you like to explain to Mr. Ziffel and the committee how your little adventure at the urinal went?”

“Well – um – It kind of started running down my leg,” Beverly explains, “I started going and I thought I was getting it in the urinal, but suddenly I started to feel it running down my leg.” “And then when I realized what was happening I tried to stop it,” she says, “But by the time I could stop it, it was already too late.” “My underwear was on the floor under me and they were completely soaked,” she continues, “And I guess a lot of it just went on the floor, too.” “I really thought that I could pee in the urinal,” the senior beauty tells us, “I guess I was wrong.” “You were VERY wrong,” Coach Teiger tells her, a tinge of anger in her voice, “I doubt that you actually got ANY of it in the urinal.” “The bathroom floor was soaked,” she adds. All that being explained, I next turn my attention to Heidi. “So what’s your story?” I ask her

“Well, I guess it sounds kind of stupid, but Beverly was always bragging about how she could pee like a guy,” Heidi explains, “She was always talking about this technique she had where a girl could pee standing up.” “She said she learned it because she goes camping a lot,” Heidi explains further, “And that she uses the technique to just pee in the woods instead of walking to campground toilet.” “We were all just joking around because we were in the boys’ locker room and there were urinals in there,” she continues, “And then we got to talking about how Beverly was always saying she could pee standing up.” “Somehow that just came around to me challenging her to go pee in the urinal,” Heidi acknowledges, “She said she could, so I wanted her to prove it.” “Well, you did more than just ask her to prove it, didn’t you?” Coach Teiger asks the pretty Heidi. “I um-offered her $20 if she would go pee in the urinal,” Heidi then admits, “She didn’t want to do it at first, but she agreed to do it after I offered her the money.” “I guess it was kind of stupid,” she says, “I’m sorry.” “It was more than just stupid,” Coach Teiger admonishes her angrily, “Did you see that puddle Beverly left on the bathroom floor?”

Hearing the coach’s harsh words, Beverly begins to panic. “I’m not going to have to go on toilet suspension for this, am I?” she asks desperately, “Please! – Oh Please!! not a toilet suspension, sir – I just couldn’t handle that.” “I know it was stupid, but I didn’t pee on the floor on purpose, I swear,” she pleads, “Please Oh Please! not a toilet suspension – Anything but that.” I take a moment to calm her down. “You’re not going on toilet suspension,” I tell her as I motion for her to calm down. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose,” I explain, “As stupid as it was, I know you were trying to do it in the urinal.” “I really thought I could do it,” she says, shaking her head. “I swear I’ll always go in the toilet from now on.” “I urinate standing up all the time when I go camping,” she claims, “But I guess this was different – I guess actually using a urinal isn’t as easy as it seems.” “I know it sounds stupid now, but I really thought I could use the urinal,” she says, “And I thought that we were actually allowed to use urinals if we could.”

“Well, there is no TVPC rule against using urinals,” I explain, “After all, they are for urinating and if a girl has to urinate, she’s welcome to do it there.” “But all that presupposes that she actually uses the urinal,” I explain, “If a girl does use one, she has actually has to get it all in the urinal.” “She can’t go on the floor or in her pants,” I tell her, “She has to get it all in the urinal the same way she’s required to get it all in the toilet when she uses one of those.” “Obviously, you didn’t do that,” I explain. Beverly nods her head in acknowledgement of that.

Moving on the pretty senior’s punishment, I’m afraid it’s going to be a severe one. “I know it was all an accident,” I point out, “But you did get urine all over the floor, not to mention wetting your pants.” First, for wetting her pants (and this is, of course, wetting her pants while representing the school), she’ll have to write 500 times, “I will not wet my pants in school or at basketball games again.” She also gets a week of detention. But the more serious violation, of course, is urinating on the floor. Doing that on purpose would be a mandatory toilet suspension, but even doing it accidentally (as Beverly did here), is a serious matter – Especially, since it’s also a violation while representing the school. “For that I’m afraid you’re going to have to report to Hickory HS next Saturday at 8 AM,” I tell her, “And I’m afraid you’re going to have to spend the day there cleaning toilets.” The prospect of that brings tears to her eyes. “You’d better bring a lunch because you’re going to be there all day until 4 PM,” I add. “And I’m afraid you’re also getting a writing assignment for this, too,” I tell the crying basketball star, “And that’s going to be ‘I will not urinate on the floor in school or at basketball games again’ 1,000 times. Hearing that, she has no reason to stop crying now. “I hope it was worth the $20,” I tell her. Judging by her tears, I doubt that is was.

[Arnold Ziffel]

Toilet Violations Punishment Committee

Now turning my attention to Heidi, this junior beauty is charged with “Inducing Another Girl to Commit a Toilet Violation.” “This seems to be a habit with her, Mr. Chairman,” Coach Teiger points out, “She’s always offering the other girls incentives to do crazy and stupid things.” “And it’s not the first time she’s faced the TVPC for something like this, either,” points out Mrs. Crabtree, a member of the TVPC, “We punished her earlier this month for paying a girl to have a bowel movement in the boys’ room at school.” “Fortunately, that girl had the good sense to only use one of the toilets,” Mrs. Crabtree continues, “Heidi actually first offered to pay her to have the bowel movement in a urinal.” “I had hoped you learned your lesson from that experience,” I lecture Heidi, “I thought you realized just how close you came to going on toilet suspension for that.”

Suddenly a state of panic overtakes Heidi – Panic at the prospect of her going on toilet suspension for this. Like Beverly, Heidi begs me to spare her from a toilet suspension. “I’ll do anything if you’ll just spare me a toilet suspension,” she pleads. “Well, how about you stop offering girls money to do crazy stunts like this,” I suggest, “How about you just let your friends use the toilet like they usually do.” “Yes sir,” she answers, but once again pleads desperately to be spared from a toilet suspension. “I really didn’t mean any harm,” she tells us, “I really thought Beverly could pee in the urinal.” “She was always bragging about how she could pee standing up,” she reminds us. “Still, don’t you think it was stupid to pay her to use a urinal?” I ask. “Don’t you think it would have been better if Beverly had just gone and sat on the toilet instead?” I suggest, “Especially since she ended up wetting on the floor and all over herself?” “Yes sir,” Heidi answers, “I guess it was a pretty stupid thing for me to do.”

But now that I have her sufficiently worried, I have some good news for Heidi. “Actually, what you did Saturday wasn’t a toilet violation at all,” I tell her, “It may have been a stupid thing to do, but there are no TVPC rules against it.” Heidi certainly looks relieved to hear that, but also quite puzzled. “What you did earlier this month was a violation because you sent another girl into the boys’ room where she wasn’t allowed to go,” I explain, “But in this case, you were already in the boys’ locker room with the boys’ locker room toilet facilities available for you girls to use.” “And those urinals were there for you girls to use just as the regular toilets were,” I explain further, “And as long as she only uses it to urinate, there’s no TVPC rule against a girl using a urinal.” “Urinals are for urinating and all you did was offer Beverly $20 to urinate in one,” I continue, “You simply didn’t offer any money to commit a toilet violation.” “It’s no different than offering her money to use the toilet instead of a urinal – Both are suitable for urinating,” I tell Heidi, “It’s not your fault that Beverly couldn’t use a urinal like she was supposed to.”

Much to Coach Teiger’s dismay, her case against Heidi is dismissed. In my role as TVPC Chairman seldom do I see such a happy face as I’m seeing from Heidi now. “Still, I think you’d be wise to stop offering girls money to perform their bathroom functions,” I suggest, “It may be boring to you, but using a regular toilet in the girls’ room is generally the wisest choice for a girl.” “It’s not like you’re trying to potty train them with rewards for going in the toilet,” I add.

Also visiting Hickory HS on Saturday for the basketball game were our cheerleaders. And I must say that I’m quite pleased to note that there were no toilet violations at all from the girls on the cheerleading squad. But while I’m pleased with that, I’m absolutely outraged at something that did happen with our cheerleading squad.

In fact, I’m so outraged that I barely know what to say as I call to the podium the shapely, athletic, red spandex-clad coach of the cheerleading squad. “Tell me it didn’t happen, Grace!” I yell at Miss Musso, the coach, “TELL ME IT DIDN’T HAPPEN, GRACE!!” “It happened, sir,” Coach Musso mumbles as she starts to cry, “It didn’t actually happen at the game, but it did happen on the bus ride home.” “I just don’t know what to say, Mr. Chairman,” she tells me, “I had another accident.” “Well, I really don’t know what to say, either, Grace,” I yell at her, “I just can’t believe this happened AGAIN!” “How hard is it to get to the toilet when you need to, Grace?” I ask her, “How can you just keep messing in your panties?” “You know you’re on toilet probation, don’t you?” I ask her further, “You know your job as cheerleading coach is in danger because of the accidents you keep having?” “Yes sir,” she mumbles almost incoherently, as she stares blankly at the floor. Faithful readers of the TVPC surely know that the lovely spandex-clad Coach Musso has had these accident problems in the past. In fact, in order to continue as cheerleading coach this year, she had to agree (among other things) to be subject to TVPC jurisdiction just like her cheerleaders are. And I’m sorry to say that her toilet habits seem worse than that of her cheerleaders.

Chloe, a pretty and athletic senior brunette, is the cheerleading captain, and she is here to report on this incident. “I really wish I didn’t have to do this,” Chloe, an honor student in addition to being the cheerleading captain, tells us, “But I guess it’s my responsibility to report Miss Musso for panty-soiling.” “As she said, it did happen on the bus,” a sorrowful looking Chloe reports, “But, as we all know, that still counts as an accident while representing the school.” As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, an accident while representing the school (such as by a cheerleader at a game), is more serious than when a girl simply has a soiling accident in school. And they also know, of course, that a girl is considered to be representing the school from the moment she gets on the bus to go to the game to the moment she leaves school grounds after getting back. “In all fairness to Miss Musso, the bathrooms at Hickory High were pretty bad,” the senior captain also tells us, “I really can’t blame her for not wanting to go #2 there.”

With that comment, I just glare at the very pretty cheerleading captain. “Really?” I ask the well-spoken honor student, “Are you really making excuses for Coach Musso, too?” “I don’t really mean to make it like an excuse, sir,” Chloe tells me. “I’m just saying that they didn’t have any doors on the individual stalls for privacy,” she points out, “It’s not an excuse but I can understand why someone wouldn’t want to have a bowel movement in a girls’ room like that.” “But YOU didn’t mess in your panties at the game, did you?” I ask Chloe. “No – I didn’t,” she answers immediately. And upon further questioning, Chloe admits that she herself did a bowel movement in the girls’ room at the game – In one of the same doorless stalls that Coach Musso should have used. She tells me that she felt “really uncomfortable” going to the bathroom like that without privacy. But upon further questioning from me, she acknowledges, “It was better than doing it in my pants.”

“Of course it was!” I tell the pretty cheerleading captain, but I glare at Coach Musso in the process. “Of course it’s better than going in your pants,” I lecture Coach Musso, “No matter what the bathroom facilities are like, using them is better than going in your pants.” “I just can’t believe you haven’t learned that lesson yet, Grace,” I lecture her further, “After all you’ve been through, I just can’t believe you’d mess in your panties at a game again.” “What am I supposed to do about this now, Grace?” I ask her, “What do I have to do to convince you to use the toilet instead of your panties?” Coach Musso has no answer – In fact, she can’t even look me in the eye. Our beautiful cheerleading coach just stands there staring at the floor in shame.

Esther, the Assistant Captain of the cheerleading squad, also asks to address the TVPC. “I just want to say, sir, that Coach Musso is a really good cheerleading coach,” she tells us, “She’s really helped me a lot with cheerleading and with other stuff, too.” “What I mean, sir, is that I hope she can still be the cheerleading coach,” she says, the sincerity in her voice evident, “I don’t know what to say about her having an accident and everything, but I just hope she doesn’t get fired.” It’s a point well taken. If Grace Musso weren’t the very best cheerleading coach around, her toilet habits would have gotten her fired a long time ago.

But while Esther is at the podium, I decide to ask her about her own experience with the doorless stalls at the game. “I didn’t actually have to go #2 at the game that night,” she tells me, “Fortunately, I only had to pee.” “I had an accident in my panties myself back during football season,” Esther acknowledges, “I’m not saying it’s the right thing to do, sir, but I’m just saying that stuff like this can happen sometimes.” She goes on to explain that the cheerleaders worked together to cope with the bad bathroom at the game Saturday night. “In order to get more privacy, we just had girls stand in the front of the stall with their back to the girl on the toilet,” she explains, “It’s not quite the same thing as having a stall door, but at least it’s something.” “Apparently, it was more than just something,” I explain to her, “You girls should be proud of the fact that you survived the doorless stalls without any of you having an accident.” “Everyone, of course, except your Coach,” I point out. “I did offer to stand and block for Miss Musso,” Chloe chimes in, “But she said she didn’t need me to – She said she only had to pee and she didn’t need my help for that.” Hearing that, all I can do is shake my head at Coach Musso again.

“Shame on you, Grace – Just shame on you!” I admonish her, “All of your cheerleaders manage to deal with the doorless stalls without having any accidents but you, the Coach, come home with a mess in your panties.” “It’s a small miracle that your panties always seem to contain the mess from your accidents,” I tell her, “That red spandex sweatsuit you always wear never seems to get soiled at all.” By the way, it’s really hard to describe just how great our coach looks in that tight red spandex. “This is just disgraceful,” I tell her, “It’s more than past the time that you should have learned that your bowel movements belong in the toilet instead of your panties.” “It’s more than obvious that you need a very serious punishment to teach you a lesson about where your bowel movements belong,” I point out.

With that, I sentence our lovely but very toilet troubled Cheerleading Coach to write, “I will not soil my panties at cheerleading events again” 5,000 times. My pronouncement of that causes dead silence in the TVPC committee room. “That’s right – 5 THOUSAND times,” I repeat for all, especially Grace, to hear. “You’ll also serve an entire month of detention sitting on the toilet,” I also tell her, “And for the rest of the school year, you’ll use only the student girls’ rooms.” “I’m sorry, Grace,” I tell her, “But you’ve brought this on yourself with your disgraceful accident and now you’re going to have to pay the price.”

Coach Musso is apparently too shocked at the severity of her punishment to even argue – She just stands there in a state of shock. But Mrs. Crabtree, a member of the TVPC, speaks up. She argues that a 5,000 times writing assignment is far too severe for a panty-soiling offense – Even one while representing the school. “I know she’s had a lot of toilet problems before,” Mrs. Crabtree argues, “But for the current school year, it’s only her 2nd accident and it’s only her 1st accident while representing the school.” Mrs. Karbopple, another TVPC member agrees. “I know that she needs to be punished quite severely for this,” she says, “After all, it really is a disgrace for one of our coaches to be messing in her panties while representing the school.” “But 5,000 times is just too much for a panty-soiling,” she argues. Not surprisingly, Miss Musso herself also agrees with that. She begs me for mercy.

Considering all the arguments, I decide to give Coach Musso a break – But it’s a break she’ll have to earn. “I’m going to offer to cut your writing punishment in half,” I tell the Coach. “You’ll have 1 week in which to hand in 2,500 times,” I explain, “If you get that done on time, you won’t have to do the other 2,500 times.” “But this break only remains in effect if you have no more accidents for the rest of the school year,” I explain further, “If you have another accident you’ll get the punishment back and this time you’ll have to finish it.” “I won’t have any more accidents,” she tells me, drying her eyes a bit. “For your sake, I hope not,” I tell her, shaking my head. I decree, though, that she’ll have to number the lines all the way up to 5,000. “I want you to see exactly what 5,000 times looks like – That’s the front and back of 100 pages,” I point out, “I want you to see exactly what’s in store for you if you can’t get your bowel movements under control.”

Moving on to cases from today, we have 2 girls each charged with panty-soiling.

The first case is Haley, a very pretty but underachieving senior brunette. I caught her in the girls’ room trying to clean herself up,” reports our ace bathroom monitor Mrs. Johns, “She was sitting on the toilet rolling off tons of toilet paper to wipe herself with.” “I first went over there to check on her because I heard all that toilet paper coming off the roll,” Mrs. Johns says, “I was initially looking to charge her with either using too much toilet paper or with wasting it.” “But when I made Haley open the stall door, I saw what was really going on,” she continues, “Haley had a mess in her panties and she was using all that toilet paper trying to clean herself up.”

Haley pleads “Guilty” (reluctantly) but claims that it really wasn’t much of a panty-soiling at all. “I guess I have to plead ‘guilty’ – I did get a little bit in my panties,” she says, “But it really isn’t much of a mess at all.” “I actually did most of it in the toilet,” she argues, “But I did do a little bit in my panties on the way to the girls’ room.” “I really don’t think I should be charged with panty-soiling at all,” she argues further, “Like I said, it was only a little bit in my panties.”

“Well, it wasn’t a very big mess – I’ll agree with that,” Mrs. Johns points out, “I can believe that she did do most of her bowel movement in the toilet.” “But it’s not like it was only a little stain or a skidmark, either,” she continues, “There was clearly a deposit of some fecal matter in those panties.” “It was definitely enough to charge her with a panty-soiling offense,” our ace bathroom monitor adds. Haley shrugs her shoulders disappointedly at hearing that. “Like I said, I guess I have to plead ‘Guilty,’” she says, “But I still say that I should get some consideration for doing most of it in the toilet.” “Well, I’ll certainly take that into consideration,” I tell Haley, “The severity of an accident is one of the factors in determining a girl’s punishment.” “But a small accident is still an accident,” I explain, “It’s definitely ‘Panty-Soiling’ under TVPC rules.” “I’m afraid that doing MOST of your bowel movement in the toilet isn’t good enough, Haley,” I explain, “You’re supposed to do ALL of your bowel movement in the toilet.” “Fecal matter doesn’t belong in your panties,” I explain further, “And it constitutes panty-soiling every time you do it there.”

Haley nods her head in agreement – Well, not really “in agreement” but she seems to understand. She explains that she was trying to hold it in so she could go in her MODERN, FAMILY bathroom at home, but suddenly she realized that she wasn’t going to make it. She was in her last period English class when she suddenly realized that she just couldn’t hold it in much longer. “I quickly got a pass from class to go to the girls’ room,” Haley explains, “But by then it was a little too late.” “Some of it came out in my panties on the way to the girls’ room,” she says, “And then Mrs. Johns caught me in there trying to clean myself up.”

Accepting her “Guilty” plea and her explanation, but also noting it’s her 3rd panty-soiling offense of the school year, I proceed to her punishment. I also note that she got offenses for doing a bowel movement in a faculty bathroom and doing one while squatting over the toilet with the toilet seat down. I sentence Haley to write “I will not soil my panties in school again” 300 times and to serve 3 days in detention. “Next time, you’d best get to the girls’ room a little sooner,” I advise her, “Obviously, you know that the punishment will be worse next time.

The next girl with soiled panties today is Lisa, a shy, bookish sophomore. She’s a pretty girl (a natural beauty), but unfortunately doesn’t think so and her feelings about that surely color her downer personality. “I hate this SUBURGATORY of a school,” she is fond of saying, although she never seems to explain what that’s supposed to mean. What’s not so pretty about Lisa, though, is her penchant for soiling in her panties and what’s really ugly is today’s panty-soiling disaster.

“Look at that mess, Mr. Chairman – Just look at it,” states Miss Robinson, the girl’s Biology teacher. The reference is to the large bulge protruding from the back of Lisa’s jeans – The bulge obviously from a very big fecal load in her panties underneath. “I can’t believe that you’d do that, Lisa,” Miss Robinson lectures her, “Its one thing to soil your panties – I know you’ve done that before – But that is just one awfully disgusting mess.” “That’s just unspeakable,” she adds. “How can you just do that in your pants?” she asks Lisa, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?” Lisa doesn’t really answer the question, but just shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly. I do think she’s ashamed and embarrassed (and no doubt more than a little disgusted, too), but apparently it’s not enough to get her to use the girls’ rooms in school. Actually, she has done bowel movements in the girls’ room on occasion, but apparently just not today.

“Just look at the size of that mess,” Miss Robinson continues, “You wouldn’t think a girl her size could even do a bowel movement that big.” “Either way, it doesn’t look like she held any of it in,” the pretty Biology teacher adds. That last statement raises the question of whether Lisa actually did this on purpose. Faithful readers of the TVPC surely know that a girl going in her pants on purpose is more serious than when she merely has an accident. Doing it in your pants on purpose usually means double the punishment of an accident. “I do want to charge her with doing it on purpose,” Miss Robinson states, “I want her to get the worse punishment for this – That’s what she deserves.” “Lisa didn’t even ask for a pass to the girls’ room,” Miss Robinson tells us, “She knows I would have given her a pass if she just asked for one, but she didn’t.” “Lisa just sat there in class and did it in her pants and look what she did,” she continues, again referring to the size of Lisa’s load, “Does it look like she tried to hold that in at all?” But TVPC rules make it very hard to charge a girl with going in her pants on purpose. If a girl even attempts to hold it in at all – Even if she knows the attempt is futile – It’s only considered an accident. To be charged with doing it on purpose, a girl almost actually has to push the load out into her panties. “I didn’t do it on purpose – It was just an accident,” Lisa says. “I know it’s a big load, but that’s the point,” the pretty blonde argues, “I couldn’t hold that in even though I tried.”

Miss Robinson does make a good case for an intentional panty-soiling, but as I noted that charge is very hard to prove. Lisa’s assertion that she did try to hold it in trumps all else in this case. Obviously, Lisa made no attempt to do what she had to do to avoid a mess in her pants. But we just can’t prove that she actually pushed the load into her pants, or at least provided no resistance to it coming out. Consequently, she’s only guilty of a panty-soiling” accident and not doing it intentionally.

Still, I can consider the circumstances of how this “accident” happened and I’ll certainly consider the severity of the mess. But I’m surprised to note that this is actually only Lisa’s 3rd panty-soiling offense of the school year. I would have thought she’d had more than that, but apparently not. She’s actually twice this year been found “Not Guilty” of panty-soiling – One time when she didn’t wipe herself after actually having a bowel movement in the toilet at school and the other time when she actually went at school but not before her panties got a little dirty (but not enough to officially call it panty-soiling) from her holding it in for most of the day before she went. And she’s also got offenses for flushing a tampon down the toilet, improperly using the bathroom in the nurse’s office, and twice leaving school grounds to go home to use the toilet.

Obviously, more than the usual does of punishment for a 3rd panty-soiling offense of the school year is in order here. Instead, I give her the maximum writing assignment allowed for a 3rd panty-soiling offense – Specifically, making her write, “I will not soil my panties in school again” 1,000 times. And I give her a whole week of detention and it’s going to be detention time sitting on a toilet in the Main Corridor girls’ room. Lisa begins to protest the severity of her punishment, but I put up my hand to stop her. “Consider yourself lucky that I didn’t send you to the girls’ room to make you clean up that mess in school,” I tell her, a tinge of anger in my voice, “With a mess like that you’d be in there half the night cleaning that up.” Wisely, that ends the discussion. “Shame on you having a mess like that,” I tell her, “And you’re still lucky we didn’t find you ‘Guilty’ of doing it on purpose.”

[Arnold Ziffel]

Toilet Violations Punishment Committee

The next case on the agenda for today is Ivy, a full-figured outgoing junior, who is charged with clogging the toilet. Specifically, she is charged with clogging a toilet in the Main Corridor girls’ room and more specifically, she is accused of clogging it with one of her very large bowel movements. Unfortunately, this is a familiar story for the pretty but full-figured Ivy.

“I’m not going to lie about it,” Ivy tells us, “I went to the bathroom and it was so big it clogged the toilet when I tried to flush it down.” Ivy’s reference to not lying about it shows that she’s learned her lesson. Back in December, Ivy tried to lie her way out of getting punished for clogging the toilet and she soon discovered that the punishment for lying was worse than the punishment for clogging the toilet in the first place. That little scheme also led to her best friend Teddy, who helped Ivy lie about it, writing “I will not lie to the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee again” 250 times on the blackboard in detention.

But, as I noted, Ivy is telling the truth today and Teddy is here proudly in support of her best friend. “Don’t worry about it – It happens to all of us,” she tells Ivy, “It’s not your fault – None of us can really control the size of our bowel movements.” “In fact, I clogged the toilet pretty bad yesterday myself,” the pretty, blonde-haired Teddy explains, “Fortunately, that was at home instead of at school.” “That was you!” suddenly exclaims Mrs. Duncan, not only a Music teacher here but also Teddy’s mom. “I can’t believe you did that and just left it there,” Mrs. Duncan admonishes Teddy, “It took me close to half an hour to unclog that last night.” Teddy explains that is happened right before she was going out on a date with her boyfriend Spencer and that she didn’t have time to unclog it then. “I was gong to unclog it when I got home,” she tells her mom. “Still, that’s not an excuse for just leaving it there,” Mrs. Duncan tells her, a tinge of anger in her voice, “Were the rest of us just not supposed to use the toilet until you got home from your date and unclogged it.” “And you really did a job clogging it,” our pretty blonde-haired Music teacher continues, “Unclogging it after you was pretty disgusting, you know.” “Well, it’s not like you’ve never clogged it yourself,” Teddy tells her mom, “You’ve clogged it more times than I ever did.” “And I’ve unclogged it after you plenty of times,” Teddy continues, “And let me tell you that wasn’t any picnic, either.

Getting back to Ivy (after all, this is a case about Ivy), I first commend Ivy for her being honest about what she did. Ivy also points out that she didn’t add any toilet paper to the clog. “After I did it, I could see how big it was,” Ivy says, “So I tried to flush it before I started wiping myself.” “And then when it clogged, I realized that I shouldn’t be adding any toilet paper to the clog,” she explains, “So I had to waddle out with panties down and go to another stall to wipe myself.” I commend Ivy once again. “That’s exactly how you should handle this,” I tell her, “And that’s the difference between a Category #2 clog (clogging with fecal matter and toilet paper) and a Category #1 (clogging with fecal matter alone).” Obviously, a Category #1 is a lesser offense.

It’s Ivy’s 4th offense for clogging the toilet and, as noted, she also has a charge of lying about it on her toilet record this year. But she handled this whole situation very well and I realize that a girl can’t always control the size of her bowel movements. For punishment, Ivy will have to write “I will not clog the toilet in the girls’ room in school again” 200 times and serve 2 days in detention.

For our last case this afternoon, we have a girl charged with writing on the bathroom wall. I am disappointed to see that the accused is Francine, a petite and outgoing junior. Francine just recently finished serving a 2-week toilet suspension for her second offense of smoking in the girls’ room. Having just undergone a punishment like that (and also having to write “I will not smoke in the girls’ room in school again” 1,000 times), you’d think she’d be on her best behavior now. Faithful readers of the TVPC surely know that the punishment for writing on the bathroom wall varies considerably depending upon the content of what the girl writes. Usually, it’s something minor for which a few days of detention cleaning graffiti will suffice as the girl’s punishment. Other times it’s something more serious and a more severe punishment is in order. When I look over the Violation Report in this case and see what Francine is accused of writing, I’m not at all happy. As I noted, having just come off a toilet suspension, I’d certainly have thought this junior beauty would have known better.

“Miss Mars Eats Shit?” I ask her angrily, “You wrote ‘Miss Mars Eats Shit’ on the girls’ room wall?” At first, Francine doesn’t answer – I guess she really doesn’t want to answer. Of course that only makes me angrier. “Did you write ‘Miss Mars Eats Shit’ on the girls’ room wall?” I ask again, this time even angrier than before. “Yes sir, I did,” she answers contritely, no doubt realizing that honesty is about all she can do now.

“Didn’t you just come off toilet suspension?” I ask her, “And weren’t you begging me for a break when I put you on toilet suspension in the first place?” She nods her head “yes.” “And now you’re doing something like this?” I ask her, “Did you like being on toilet suspension so much that you want to try it again?” “If you liked it so much, we could have just extended your toilet suspension for longer,” I tell her sarcastically, “There was really no need to write that on the stall wall.” Francine just shakes her head “no.”

But then she just breaks down into tears – No doubt as it begins to sink in just how serious this is. In tears, she starts to recount the horrors of being on toilet suspension. “I peed my pants everyday – Some days even more than once,” she tells me, “But that’s not even the worst of it.” “Soaking wet pants are bad,” Francine continues, “But that was nothing like when I had to mess in them.” “I had to go poops almost everyday when I was on toilet suspension,” she points out, “And most of those days, I couldn’t hold it in until I got home.” “I messed in my panties 6 times over those 2 weeks,” she recounts, “It’s just horrible to having messes in my panties.” “You don’t know the awful feeling, sir,” she tells me, “That awful feeling you get when you gotta do poops and you know you can’t go to the girls’ room to do it.” She goes on to recount the horrors of changing for gym class with poops in her pants, taking gym class like that, eating lunch in the cafeteria with a smelly mess in her panties, and just generally walking around school with a load in her pants and have other kids snicker and laugh at her. Then she talks about having to walk home from school like that and then cleaning up the messes when she gets home. “It was always nice to get cleaned up from having that mess in my panties all day,” she says, “But cleaning it up made me want to puke it was so disgusting.”

“Well then, I’d think you would have learned a lesson from that,” I explain to her, “I’d think that you’d be on your best behavior from then on so you would never have to go on toilet suspension again.” “That’s what the toilet suspension is about, you know,” I explain further, “A girl usually learns her lesson because she doesn’t want to go on toilet suspension again.” “But apparently not you,” I point out, “You’re only a day off of a toilet suspension and you decide to write something really nasty on the girls’ room wall.”

“I was happy to be off toilet suspension – I really was,” Francine assures me, “Believe me, nothing felt better than finally being able to go to the girls’ room and doing my bowel movement in there.” “And I had to pee, too,” she adds, “I went in the toilet both ways and believe me, it felt good not to have to do it in my pants.” “But I was still mad at getting put on toilet suspension in the first place,” the junior goes on to explain, “And it was Miss Mars’ fault that I was on toilet suspension in the first place.” It was indeed Miss Mars that caught her smoking in the girls’ room 2 weeks ago, but obviously that doesn’t mean her toilet suspension was Miss Mars’ fault. In fact, the mere notion of that is patently absurd and I tell her so. “It wasn’t Miss Mars who was smoking in the girls’ room,” I point out to Francine angrily, “You did that all by yourself and it wasn’t your first time, either.” “You have no one to blame for your toilet suspension but yourself,” I lecture her, “Shame on you for trying to blame Miss Mars for your smoking in the girls’ room.” “That’s why you went on toilet suspension,” I remind her in no uncertain terms.

As I consider Francine’s punishment for this, I note, of course, that this is not simply writing hers and her boyfriend’s initials on the wall or advertising the name of her favorite musical group. That would only be a few days cleaning graffiti in detention. This is not only profanity but profanity directed at a teacher and pretty nasty profanity at that. “Obviously, this is totally unacceptable,” I tell her, “If you can’t be trusted to use the girls’ room without writing stuff like that, I’m afraid that you’re not going to be allowed to use the girls’ room at all.” With that, I sentence her to another 2 weeks on toilet suspension. “You’ll not use any school bathroom for any reason for the next 2 weeks,” I tell her, “Maybe after a 2nd time on toilet suspension you’ll finally learn your lesson and behave properly in the girls’ room.”

As Francine contemplates going through another 2 weeks without her toilet privileges in school, she breaks down sobbing into her hands. She is also sentenced to write, “I will not write graffiti in the girls’ room, especially profanity directed at a staff member, again” 1,000 times. She also gets a week of detention. “You’ll spend your week of detention standing in the corner facing the wall,” I tell the hysterically crying young lady, “And you’ll wear a sign on your back stating ‘I wrote nasty graffiti about Miss Mars.’” Through her tears, she asks me if she can postpone serving her detention for 2 weeks. At least that way, she won’t have to stay for detention and have a longer school day while she’s on toilet suspension. Her request is, of course, denied. “I want people to see what happens to girls who write nasty stuff about teachers on the girls’ room walls,” I tell her, “I want people to see you struggling to hold it in on toilet suspension and hopefully to wet and mess your panties while your standing there in detention.”

So concludes another session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee. Meeting adjourned at 4:07 PM.

[spandexman]

Poor Grace

Poor Grace. She is a hopeless case. But since she is so gorgeous and looks sexy in red spandex the school needs to keep her around. Perhaps Danskin can hire her to model and endorse their spandex shorts. Grace can tell the future poopers about what big poop loads the shorts and pants can hold.

Thanks Arnold.