Welcome to a session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) – this writer’s favorite fantasy. The story takes place in a high school not unlike other high schools. In this high school, however, there are strict rules regarding the toileting behavior of the school’s female students. Those who break the school toilet rules (including the rules against going to the bathroom in your pants) are brought before the TVPC to have their cases heard and their punishment given out if they are guilty. Meetings of the TVPC are called to order at 3:10 PM each school day in the TVPC meeting room – Room 222 of the high school. It should be noted that where this story takes place you need to be 18 in order to enter high school so all persons depicted, even though entirely fictional, are at least 18 years of age.
My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of October 31, 2013.
We begin this afternoon’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) with a matter from yesterday. The very lovely Coach Spellman is here to charge 2 of her players with toilet violations at yesterday’s soccer game at Sunnydale High School. As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, toilet violations by athletes, cheerleaders, or others representing the school are treated more seriously than toilet violations occurring in school.
It comes as no surprise to see that the one of the accused is Hope – The team’s star goalie. Hope is a tall and utterly gorgeous senior brunette who’s had panty-soiling issues in the past – Especially at soccer games. She really hates having to do that particular function in the port-o-potties that they often have at soccer games. But as I read the Violation Report filed against Hope by Coach Spellman in this case, I’m quite surprised to see that the senior beauty is not charged with panty-soiling at the game. Instead she is charged with using a faculty ladies’ room at Sunnydale High School – Specifically with having a bowel movement in there. As I read the Violation Report further, I see that Hope bypassed the port-o-potties at the soccer game and instead went into the school to do her BM in a regular toilet there. Now, that sounds more like something Hope would do! Also skipping the port-o-potties and instead having her bowel movement in the faculty ladies’ room in the school was Ellen, an outgoing and athletic sophomore blonde. Ellen also managed to clog the toilet with hers, so she faces another charge for that.
“I just went to the bathroom,” Hope tells us in frustration, “I had to go to the bathroom so I went.” Hope rants on, in a decidedly frustrated tone, about how she’s always getting in trouble for accidents at games, but this time she used the toilet. “I did it in the toilet,” she tells us angrily, “I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.”
“You were supposed to do it in the port-o-potty,” Coach Spellman tells her sternly, “That’s what they had available at the game for us to use.” “You’ve got to get over this thing you have with port-o-potties, Hope,” she tells her star goalie, “When you play, you need to learn port-o-potties sometime.” But Hope, once again, has an answer. She points out that she has been using port-o-potties when she needs to this year. “I haven’t had an accident all season,” Hope says. “I still hate port-o-potties but I use them when I need to,” she continues, “I use them when I need to because I don’t want to mess in my panties anymore.” “And I haven’t messed in my panties all season this year,” Hope repeats just to make sure we all understand. “But why should we go in a disgusting port-o-potty when we don’t have to?” Hope argues, “Why can’t we go use a regular toilet if they’re available.” Hope then explains, as Ellen nods in agreement, that it was only a short distance over to the school building and well worth the walk for both of them to be able to use a regular toilet. She tells us that the 2 of them first went to try the student girls’ room, but they found the door locked. “We couldn’t find another girls’ room but we found the teachers’ one and it was open,” she explains, “But we only used the teachers’ bathroom because the student one was locked.” Ellen, once again, nods her head in agreement.
I next turn my attention to Mrs. Braithwaite. She’s an English teacher at Sunnydale High School and she’s the one who caught Hope and Ellen coming out of the faculty bathroom at the game. “We lock most of the student bathrooms half an hour after school,” Mrs. Braithwaite explains, “That way they don’t get messed up and vandalized.” “We keep one set of bathrooms open upstairs for students staying after school,” she explains further, “And we have the locker rooms open for our students who play sports after school.” “We have port-o-potties at all our athletic facilities that don’t have regular bathrooms,” she adds, “That way our visitors don’t have to come into the school building to use the bathroom.” “The faculty bathrooms stay open because teachers are here later than the students and we don’t vandalize the bathrooms like the students do,” she explains. I then thank her for her explanation.
But Hope complains that she and Ellen didn’t know all that and she repeats that they only used the faculty ladies’ room because the student one was locked. “But the point is that you had no reason to be in the school in the first place,” I point out, “The soccer game had port-o-potty bathrooms for you to use.” “And it’s definitely no excuse for using a faculty and staff bathroom in any case,” I tell them, “You know very well that they are off limits to students.” “That’s true at our school and it’s true at every school you visit as soccer players,” I explain further, “In fact, it’s especially true when you’re representing the school as members of the soccer team.”
Dealing with Hope first, I sentence her to write, “I will not use the faculty bathroom in school or at soccer games again” 500 times. “500 times!” Hope shrieks in disbelief at the severity of her punishment. “500 times?” she asks, “Why do I have to write 500 times just for this?” “That’s ridiculous!” she says, “All I did was use the toilet like I’m supposed to do.” “You used a toilet that you weren’t supposed to use,” I tell her, “It was a toilet that you OBVIOUSLY knew you weren’t supposed to use, but you used it anyway.” “And you did that while you were a representative of the school,” I point out, “That’s why it’s 500 times!”
“What about the toilet that Hope used?” I ask Mrs. Braithwaite, “I know that Ellen clogged hers, but was Hope’s toilet left all right?” “There were really no problems with Hope’s toilet,” the pretty blonde English teacher answers, “There were some skidmarks left in the toilet bowl but nothing major.” “I see,” I tell Mrs. Braithwaite, as I thank her for that information. I then assign Hope to also write a 1,000 word letter of apology. “If you had just used the port-o-potty like you were supposed to do, you wouldn’t have left skidmarks in the toilet bowl,” I tell her.
Turning now to Ellen, she’s obviously in more trouble having clogged the toilet as well. She’ll also have to write “I will not use the faculty bathroom in school or at soccer games again” 500 times for doing her bowel movement in the faculty ladies’ room. “Unfortunately, young lady, there is also the matter of you clogging the toilet,” I tell her, “Clogging it is even more serious than merely using it.” “It really wasn’t my fault,” Ellen says, “I just used the toilet and when I tried to flush it, it clogged.” “I didn’t clog it on purpose, I swear,” she says. “No one is saying that you clogged it on purpose,” I assure her, “But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t your fault.” “Just like Hope you had no business being in that bathroom in the first place,” I explain to her, “Had you not used the toilet, it obviously wouldn’t have gotten clogged.” I also note that this was not simply a matter of a very big bowel movement that was just too big to flush down the toilet. “Wasn’t this a combination of your bowel movement and your toilet paper that clogged the toilet?” I ask the pretty, athletic sophomore. She tells me that it was.
“When you have a big bowel movement, you have to flush it separately,” Hope chimes in, addressing her friend and teammate, “When I go, I always flush it down first and then I start wiping myself.” With Ellen’s acknowledge that it was indeed that combination that caused the clog, I note it for the record as a “Category #2” clogging.” A Category # 2 clogging is one with both fecal matter and toilet paper. That’s slightly more serious than a Category #1 clogging which is were a girl’s bowel movement all by itself manages to clog the toilet. But Ellen’s biggest problem, though, is that she clogged a toilet in a faculty bathroom. That, I’m afraid, is quite a serious matter.
“You’re going to write a 2,500 word letter of apology for what you did,” I tell Ellen, “But unfortunately that’s not going to be the worst of it for you.” “I’m afraid it’s going to be 1 week on toilet suspension for you,” I then inform her, “For 1 week you will not use any school bathroom for any reason.” She stands there at first shocked by the severity of her punishment. Next, she starts to panic as she contemplates what’s ahead for her. “I’ve got soccer practices and soccer games,” she pleads in desperation, “Sometimes I’m here at school until 7 or 8 at night.” “How can I not use the girls’ room all day?” she asks, “What am I supposed to do?” “Well, obviously you’re going to have to go in your pants,” I tell her matter-of-factly, “That’s what happens when a girl is on toilet suspension.” “You used a toilet that you shouldn’t have been using and you clogged it in the process,” I tell her sternly, “That’s clearly grounds for a toilet suspension.”
But Ellen pleads that not only didn’t she clog the toilet on purpose, but that she has a very good toilet record in high school so far. “I didn’t have any toilet violations before this one this year,” she explains, “And I only had 2 toilet violations all of last year – one for not flushing the toilet when I peed and the other for loitering in the girls’ room.” “Doesn’t that count for anything now?” she asks me desperately. “Yes, it does,” I tell her, “That’s why you’re only getting 1 week on toilet suspension instead of 2 weeks.”
But Ellen still can’t believe she’s going on toilet suspension for this. “What about actual soccer games?” she asks in desperation again, “How am going to manage that without being able to use the toilet all?” “How can I go out there and play soccer for my school if I’ve wet my pants?” she asks. “Well, once again, you’re just going to have to deal with wetting your pants,” I tell her, “And if that’s the worst of what you get while on toilet suspension, you can consider yourself.” The sophomore cutie is understandably horrified at the prospect of that. But even Coach Spellman has issues with that. “Does she really have to be on toilet suspension for this – Especially at soccer games?” the pretty, young coach asks, “I mean, I was pretty angry with both of them for going into the school to go to the bathroom but a toilet suspension seems awfully severe.” Even Mrs. Braithwaite chimes in on this. “I know Ellen did clog the toilet but it really wasn’t that bad,” she says, “One of our custodians was able to plunge the toilet clear pretty quickly.” “I agree that a toilet suspension is awfully severe for that,” she adds. “I really don’t like the idea of Ellen playing soccer for us in wet and messy pants,” Coach Spellman tells us, “I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get the girls to use the toilet and avoid all that.”
Thinking it over a moment, I realize that they – Especially Coach Spellman – have a point. I offer a compromise. “You’re still going to have to do 5 days on toilet suspension,” I tell a horrified Ellen, “But it’ll be 5 days when you don’t have soccer games.” “You’ll still have to deal with soccer PRACTICE in wet pants or worse,” I tell her, “But at least you’ll be able to use the toilet on days when you have games.” Coach Spellman likes that idea but Ellen is lukewarm to the idea. “Please sir – Can’t I just avoid going on toilet suspension altogether,” she pleads, “I promise I’ll never do this again.” “Please sir – I beg you,” she pleads some more, “Please don’t make me go to the bathroom in my pants.” “I’m sorry Ellen, but the toilet suspension stands,” I tell her, “You’ll serve it the first 5 school days that you don’t have soccer games.” “That’s just ridiculous,” Hope chimes in, angrily, “It’s bad enough that we’re getting punished at all for this, but her on toilet suspension for a week is just ridiculous. “Would you like to join her on toilet suspension?” I offer to Hope. The gorgeous senior shakes her head “no” and wisely has no further comment.
Moving on with our TVPC agenda this afternoon, we have 2 cases from Mr. Feeney, one of our strictest teachers. Both apparently happened in his 7th period History class earlier this afternoon. The first case is a charge of panty-soiling involving Ruthie, a tall and very pretty junior. Her guilt is evident by the large slightly flattened bulge in the seat of her jeans. Accident cases from Mr. Feeney class come as no surprise to members of the TVPC. Mr. Feeney is certainly one of our best teachers but also one of our strictest. He never allows girls’ room passes on class time no matter how desperate a girl becomes. But I am surprised to see that his 2nd case today is not a panty-soiling case. Instead Mr. Feeney has charged Alex, a very bright honor student with “Arguing” – Apparently over a panty-soiling violation. While that isn’t completely a surprise – Alex can indeed be argumentative at times – I have to wonder how Alex could end up charged with arguing over a panty-soiling violation while not actually being charged with panty-soiling. Since Ruthie’s panty-soiling case appears to be the most straight-forward, we’ll deal with that first.
When I call her Ruthie’s name, she walks gingerly to the podium – No doubt due to the considerable load in her pants. The Violation Report filed by Mr. Feeney indicates that she asked permission to go to the girls’ room but was refused. “Apparently Ruthie doesn’t understand class procedures very well,” Mr. Feeney reports. “She should know by now that class time is for class business and nothing else,” he explains, “She should know that she has to take care of her personal business on her own time.” “I know – I know that the rules are in your class,” Ruthie assures Mr. Feeney. “I was just really desperate, sir,” she continues, “I had to go really bad and was just hoping you’d make an exception this time.” The comment draws more than a few laughs from the assembled crowd. They know that Mr. Feeney doesn’t make exceptions to his rules. Out of the corner of my eye, I happen to notice Alex – Sitting in the front row, awaiting her turn at the podium – Is definitely not laughing. She just sits there on “Defendants’ Row” shaking her head.
“I’m guilty, sir,” Ruthie answers when I ask her for her plea to the charge of “Panty-Soiling.” “Obviously, I did have an accident,” she says, pointing to the seat of her jeans, “Obviously, I did soil my panties.” “No, you’re NOT guilty!” suddenly chimes in Alex from her seat on Defendants’ Row. “No way should you be pleading ‘guilty’ to this,” she tells her classmate, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” “Obviously, you haven’t had a look at the seat of her jeans,” Mr. Feeney tells Alex, “Or maybe you think it’s alright for a girl in high school to do it in her pants instead of the toilet.” The comment brings out an audible and angry groan from Alex. “I never said it was alright for us to go in our pants,” Alex snaps back, “Of course, girls our age should be going in the toilet instead of our pants.” “And that’s why you should let us go to the girls’ room when we need to!” she angrily tells Mr. Feeney, “When we have to go, you should LET US GO!” Her tone and her raised voice leads me to bang my gavel and issue Alex a stern warning to control herself.
“It’s alright, Alex,” Ruthie tells her, “I did the mess in my pants and I’ll just have to take my punishment.” “It’s only my 2nd time this year,” she tells Alex, “So my punishment isn’t going to be too bad.” “It’s alright, Alex,” she repeats, “No, it’s not alright!” Alex quickly answers her back, “It’s definitely not alright.” “It’s not alright that you can’t go to the girls’ room when you need to,” she tells the pretty junior, “And it’s ESPECIALLY not alright that you get punished for going in your pants when you’re not allowed to use the toilet in the first place.” “You shouldn’t have to get punished when it’s not even your fault in the first place,” Alex tells her. “It’s one thing when a girl doesn’t want to use the girls’ room in school and she has an accident that way,” the pretty and articulate honor student continues, “It’s one thing when you want to punish girls for that – My sister Haley was like that.” “But Ruthie wanted to go use the toilet – She begged you for permission to go and use the toilet,” Alex turns and addresses Mr. Feeney directly, “But you just wouldn’t let her go.” “The accident wasn’t Ruthie’s fault,” Alex says, this time addressing me, “It was Mr. Feeney’s fault.”
Once again, I must bang my gavel and warn Alex to watch her tone. “Is this what happened in class today?” I ask Mr. Feeney, “Is this what brought the charge of “Arguing” against Alex?” “Indeed it is,” Mr. Feeney reports, “She just kept arguing and she just wouldn’t stop.” When I press Alex for an explanation, she doesn’t deny Mr. Feeney’s account of the incident. Instead, she merely repeats her point that Mr. Feeney should have let Ruthie go to the girls’ room and that Ruthie’s accident is therefore Mr. Feeney’s fault.
“Well, that makes you guilty as charged, Alex,” I tell the very cute, junior brunette, “We can’t have our girls arguing with our teaches like that – Especially over toilet-related matters.” “It’s alright, Alex, It’s really alright,” Ruthie tells her classmate again, “I’ll just do my punishment and that’ll be the end of it.” “You don’t have to get yourself in any more trouble,” she tells Alex. “I messed in my panties and I’ll just have to do my punishment,” she tells her, “No sense making it worse by arguing about it.” But Alex – Not surprisingly – Just doesn’t listen. “It’s not just because of you,” Alex then continues, “It’s because of all of us.” “Ruthie isn’t the only one that this has happened to,” the articulate honor student tells me, “This is hardly the first time that a girl’s had an accident because Mr. Feeney wouldn’t let her go to the bathroom.” “This is the 2nd time this week that a girl has messed herself because Mr. Feeney wouldn’t let her go to the bathroom.” Alex explains. “Krista messed in her panties in class on Monday,” Alex continues, “And that was her 2nd time in Mr. Feeney’s class already this year.” “And Tia, Joan, and Leslie have all had accidents in Mr. Feeney’s class, too,” she rants on, “And Joan’s was a doubleheader.” A doubleheader, of course, is when a girl goes both ways in her pants. “And I’ve had some pretty close calls myself,” Alex points out, “More than a few times in his class already, I thought my bladder was about to explode.” “And a couple of times I was pretty close to an accident like Ruthie’s,” she says, “But still Mr. Feeney wouldn’t let me to go to the girls’ room like I needed to.” “It’s like he WANTS us to go to the bathroom in our pants,” Alex then says, glaring at Mr. Feeney in the process.
That comment draws more than a few gasps from the assembled crowd. And unfortunately for Alex, the comment is over the line. “That’s it!” I yell at Alex as I bang my gavel, “You just got yourself a 2nd charge of “Arguing Over a Toilet-Related Matter.” “There’s no call for a comment like that, Alex,” I tell her angrily, “How dare you accuse Mr. Feeney of wanting girls to have accidents in her class.” “So now because you don’t know when to stop, you’ve got 2 counts that you’re going to be punished for,” I tell her.
First things first, though, we get back to Ruthie and her punishment for “Panty-Soiling.” It’s her 2nd such offense this school year – The 1st occurring in French class back in mid September – And she will be punished accordingly. She’ll have to write “I will not soil my panties in school again” 200 times and serve 2 days in detention.
Next, I go back to Alex. “For your first offense you’ll write, ‘I will not argue over toilet related matters again’ 250 times,” I tell her. “For your second offense, you’ll write it another 250 times,” I continue, “And this time, you’ll also serve an entire week in detention.” Alex looks at me, no doubt surprised at her punishment. “Lines?” she asks, “You’re just going to make me write 500 lines?” Similarly, some members of the TVPC are surprised as well. Usually, this type of offense garners a girl an apology essay rather than simply writing repetitive sentences. But knowing Alex as I do, she’d no doubt prefer an essay – An essay in which she could use her considerable writing skills to argue some more. She won’t get that chance by simple, boring, repetitive writing. “Don’t you think just writing lines is a stupid punishment for high school? Alex asks condescendingly. “I suppose it is, Alex,” I tell her, retuning her condescension, “Writing lines, I suppose is nothing but pure boredom and tedium.” “And now, that’s what you’re going to have to do,” I tell her, “Now, maybe next time you’ll think twice about arguing so much.”
“It won’t help,” Mr. Feeney then chimes back in, “Alex just likes to argue too much.” “Well, maybe next time we’ll have to consider a toilet suspension for her,” I tell Mr. Feeney, but obviously intending it more for Alex than for him. “That way getting a girls’ room pass in class will be the least of her problems,” I point out, “Going during class won’t even be an issue since she wouldn’t be allowed to go to the girls’ room at all.” Looking at Alex, I think she gets my point. She may indeed like to argue, but I doubt she thinks it’s worth losing her toilet privileges over.
My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of October 31, 2013.
We begin this afternoon’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) with a matter from yesterday. The very lovely Coach Spellman is here to charge 2 of her players with toilet violations at yesterday’s soccer game at Sunnydale High School. As faithful readers of the TVPC surely know, toilet violations by athletes, cheerleaders, or others representing the school are treated more seriously than toilet violations occurring in school.
It comes as no surprise to see that the one of the accused is Hope – The team’s star goalie. Hope is a tall and utterly gorgeous senior brunette who’s had panty-soiling issues in the past – Especially at soccer games. She really hates having to do that particular function in the port-o-potties that they often have at soccer games. But as I read the Violation Report filed against Hope by Coach Spellman in this case, I’m quite surprised to see that the senior beauty is not charged with panty-soiling at the game. Instead she is charged with using a faculty ladies’ room at Sunnydale High School – Specifically with having a bowel movement in there. As I read the Violation Report further, I see that Hope bypassed the port-o-potties at the soccer game and instead went into the school to do her BM in a regular toilet there. Now, that sounds more like something Hope would do! Also skipping the port-o-potties and instead having her bowel movement in the faculty ladies’ room in the school was Ellen, an outgoing and athletic sophomore blonde. Ellen also managed to clog the toilet with hers, so she faces another charge for that.
“I just went to the bathroom,” Hope tells us in frustration, “I had to go to the bathroom so I went.” Hope rants on, in a decidedly frustrated tone, about how she’s always getting in trouble for accidents at games, but this time she used the toilet. “I did it in the toilet,” she tells us angrily, “I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.”
“You were supposed to do it in the port-o-potty,” Coach Spellman tells her sternly, “That’s what they had available at the game for us to use.” “You’ve got to get over this thing you have with port-o-potties, Hope,” she tells her star goalie, “When you play, you need to learn port-o-potties sometime.” But Hope, once again, has an answer. She points out that she has been using port-o-potties when she needs to this year. “I haven’t had an accident all season,” Hope says. “I still hate port-o-potties but I use them when I need to,” she continues, “I use them when I need to because I don’t want to mess in my panties anymore.” “And I haven’t messed in my panties all season this year,” Hope repeats just to make sure we all understand. “But why should we go in a disgusting port-o-potty when we don’t have to?” Hope argues, “Why can’t we go use a regular toilet if they’re available.” Hope then explains, as Ellen nods in agreement, that it was only a short distance over to the school building and well worth the walk for both of them to be able to use a regular toilet. She tells us that the 2 of them first went to try the student girls’ room, but they found the door locked. “We couldn’t find another girls’ room but we found the teachers’ one and it was open,” she explains, “But we only used the teachers’ bathroom because the student one was locked.” Ellen, once again, nods her head in agreement.
I next turn my attention to Mrs. Braithwaite. She’s an English teacher at Sunnydale High School and she’s the one who caught Hope and Ellen coming out of the faculty bathroom at the game. “We lock most of the student bathrooms half an hour after school,” Mrs. Braithwaite explains, “That way they don’t get messed up and vandalized.” “We keep one set of bathrooms open upstairs for students staying after school,” she explains further, “And we have the locker rooms open for our students who play sports after school.” “We have port-o-potties at all our athletic facilities that don’t have regular bathrooms,” she adds, “That way our visitors don’t have to come into the school building to use the bathroom.” “The faculty bathrooms stay open because teachers are here later than the students and we don’t vandalize the bathrooms like the students do,” she explains. I then thank her for her explanation.
But Hope complains that she and Ellen didn’t know all that and she repeats that they only used the faculty ladies’ room because the student one was locked. “But the point is that you had no reason to be in the school in the first place,” I point out, “The soccer game had port-o-potty bathrooms for you to use.” “And it’s definitely no excuse for using a faculty and staff bathroom in any case,” I tell them, “You know very well that they are off limits to students.” “That’s true at our school and it’s true at every school you visit as soccer players,” I explain further, “In fact, it’s especially true when you’re representing the school as members of the soccer team.”
Dealing with Hope first, I sentence her to write, “I will not use the faculty bathroom in school or at soccer games again” 500 times. “500 times!” Hope shrieks in disbelief at the severity of her punishment. “500 times?” she asks, “Why do I have to write 500 times just for this?” “That’s ridiculous!” she says, “All I did was use the toilet like I’m supposed to do.” “You used a toilet that you weren’t supposed to use,” I tell her, “It was a toilet that you OBVIOUSLY knew you weren’t supposed to use, but you used it anyway.” “And you did that while you were a representative of the school,” I point out, “That’s why it’s 500 times!”
“What about the toilet that Hope used?” I ask Mrs. Braithwaite, “I know that Ellen clogged hers, but was Hope’s toilet left all right?” “There were really no problems with Hope’s toilet,” the pretty blonde English teacher answers, “There were some skidmarks left in the toilet bowl but nothing major.” “I see,” I tell Mrs. Braithwaite, as I thank her for that information. I then assign Hope to also write a 1,000 word letter of apology. “If you had just used the port-o-potty like you were supposed to do, you wouldn’t have left skidmarks in the toilet bowl,” I tell her.
Turning now to Ellen, she’s obviously in more trouble having clogged the toilet as well. She’ll also have to write “I will not use the faculty bathroom in school or at soccer games again” 500 times for doing her bowel movement in the faculty ladies’ room. “Unfortunately, young lady, there is also the matter of you clogging the toilet,” I tell her, “Clogging it is even more serious than merely using it.” “It really wasn’t my fault,” Ellen says, “I just used the toilet and when I tried to flush it, it clogged.” “I didn’t clog it on purpose, I swear,” she says. “No one is saying that you clogged it on purpose,” I assure her, “But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t your fault.” “Just like Hope you had no business being in that bathroom in the first place,” I explain to her, “Had you not used the toilet, it obviously wouldn’t have gotten clogged.” I also note that this was not simply a matter of a very big bowel movement that was just too big to flush down the toilet. “Wasn’t this a combination of your bowel movement and your toilet paper that clogged the toilet?” I ask the pretty, athletic sophomore. She tells me that it was.
“When you have a big bowel movement, you have to flush it separately,” Hope chimes in, addressing her friend and teammate, “When I go, I always flush it down first and then I start wiping myself.” With Ellen’s acknowledge that it was indeed that combination that caused the clog, I note it for the record as a “Category #2” clogging.” A Category # 2 clogging is one with both fecal matter and toilet paper. That’s slightly more serious than a Category #1 clogging which is were a girl’s bowel movement all by itself manages to clog the toilet. But Ellen’s biggest problem, though, is that she clogged a toilet in a faculty bathroom. That, I’m afraid, is quite a serious matter.
“You’re going to write a 2,500 word letter of apology for what you did,” I tell Ellen, “But unfortunately that’s not going to be the worst of it for you.” “I’m afraid it’s going to be 1 week on toilet suspension for you,” I then inform her, “For 1 week you will not use any school bathroom for any reason.” She stands there at first shocked by the severity of her punishment. Next, she starts to panic as she contemplates what’s ahead for her. “I’ve got soccer practices and soccer games,” she pleads in desperation, “Sometimes I’m here at school until 7 or 8 at night.” “How can I not use the girls’ room all day?” she asks, “What am I supposed to do?” “Well, obviously you’re going to have to go in your pants,” I tell her matter-of-factly, “That’s what happens when a girl is on toilet suspension.” “You used a toilet that you shouldn’t have been using and you clogged it in the process,” I tell her sternly, “That’s clearly grounds for a toilet suspension.”
But Ellen pleads that not only didn’t she clog the toilet on purpose, but that she has a very good toilet record in high school so far. “I didn’t have any toilet violations before this one this year,” she explains, “And I only had 2 toilet violations all of last year – one for not flushing the toilet when I peed and the other for loitering in the girls’ room.” “Doesn’t that count for anything now?” she asks me desperately. “Yes, it does,” I tell her, “That’s why you’re only getting 1 week on toilet suspension instead of 2 weeks.”
But Ellen still can’t believe she’s going on toilet suspension for this. “What about actual soccer games?” she asks in desperation again, “How am going to manage that without being able to use the toilet all?” “How can I go out there and play soccer for my school if I’ve wet my pants?” she asks. “Well, once again, you’re just going to have to deal with wetting your pants,” I tell her, “And if that’s the worst of what you get while on toilet suspension, you can consider yourself.” The sophomore cutie is understandably horrified at the prospect of that. But even Coach Spellman has issues with that. “Does she really have to be on toilet suspension for this – Especially at soccer games?” the pretty, young coach asks, “I mean, I was pretty angry with both of them for going into the school to go to the bathroom but a toilet suspension seems awfully severe.” Even Mrs. Braithwaite chimes in on this. “I know Ellen did clog the toilet but it really wasn’t that bad,” she says, “One of our custodians was able to plunge the toilet clear pretty quickly.” “I agree that a toilet suspension is awfully severe for that,” she adds. “I really don’t like the idea of Ellen playing soccer for us in wet and messy pants,” Coach Spellman tells us, “I’ve spent a lot of time trying to get the girls to use the toilet and avoid all that.”
Thinking it over a moment, I realize that they – Especially Coach Spellman – have a point. I offer a compromise. “You’re still going to have to do 5 days on toilet suspension,” I tell a horrified Ellen, “But it’ll be 5 days when you don’t have soccer games.” “You’ll still have to deal with soccer PRACTICE in wet pants or worse,” I tell her, “But at least you’ll be able to use the toilet on days when you have games.” Coach Spellman likes that idea but Ellen is lukewarm to the idea. “Please sir – Can’t I just avoid going on toilet suspension altogether,” she pleads, “I promise I’ll never do this again.” “Please sir – I beg you,” she pleads some more, “Please don’t make me go to the bathroom in my pants.” “I’m sorry Ellen, but the toilet suspension stands,” I tell her, “You’ll serve it the first 5 school days that you don’t have soccer games.” “That’s just ridiculous,” Hope chimes in, angrily, “It’s bad enough that we’re getting punished at all for this, but her on toilet suspension for a week is just ridiculous. “Would you like to join her on toilet suspension?” I offer to Hope. The gorgeous senior shakes her head “no” and wisely has no further comment.
Moving on with our TVPC agenda this afternoon, we have 2 cases from Mr. Feeney, one of our strictest teachers. Both apparently happened in his 7th period History class earlier this afternoon. The first case is a charge of panty-soiling involving Ruthie, a tall and very pretty junior. Her guilt is evident by the large slightly flattened bulge in the seat of her jeans. Accident cases from Mr. Feeney class come as no surprise to members of the TVPC. Mr. Feeney is certainly one of our best teachers but also one of our strictest. He never allows girls’ room passes on class time no matter how desperate a girl becomes. But I am surprised to see that his 2nd case today is not a panty-soiling case. Instead Mr. Feeney has charged Alex, a very bright honor student with “Arguing” – Apparently over a panty-soiling violation. While that isn’t completely a surprise – Alex can indeed be argumentative at times – I have to wonder how Alex could end up charged with arguing over a panty-soiling violation while not actually being charged with panty-soiling. Since Ruthie’s panty-soiling case appears to be the most straight-forward, we’ll deal with that first.
When I call her Ruthie’s name, she walks gingerly to the podium – No doubt due to the considerable load in her pants. The Violation Report filed by Mr. Feeney indicates that she asked permission to go to the girls’ room but was refused. “Apparently Ruthie doesn’t understand class procedures very well,” Mr. Feeney reports. “She should know by now that class time is for class business and nothing else,” he explains, “She should know that she has to take care of her personal business on her own time.” “I know – I know that the rules are in your class,” Ruthie assures Mr. Feeney. “I was just really desperate, sir,” she continues, “I had to go really bad and was just hoping you’d make an exception this time.” The comment draws more than a few laughs from the assembled crowd. They know that Mr. Feeney doesn’t make exceptions to his rules. Out of the corner of my eye, I happen to notice Alex – Sitting in the front row, awaiting her turn at the podium – Is definitely not laughing. She just sits there on “Defendants’ Row” shaking her head.
“I’m guilty, sir,” Ruthie answers when I ask her for her plea to the charge of “Panty-Soiling.” “Obviously, I did have an accident,” she says, pointing to the seat of her jeans, “Obviously, I did soil my panties.” “No, you’re NOT guilty!” suddenly chimes in Alex from her seat on Defendants’ Row. “No way should you be pleading ‘guilty’ to this,” she tells her classmate, “You didn’t do anything wrong.” “Obviously, you haven’t had a look at the seat of her jeans,” Mr. Feeney tells Alex, “Or maybe you think it’s alright for a girl in high school to do it in her pants instead of the toilet.” The comment brings out an audible and angry groan from Alex. “I never said it was alright for us to go in our pants,” Alex snaps back, “Of course, girls our age should be going in the toilet instead of our pants.” “And that’s why you should let us go to the girls’ room when we need to!” she angrily tells Mr. Feeney, “When we have to go, you should LET US GO!” Her tone and her raised voice leads me to bang my gavel and issue Alex a stern warning to control herself.
“It’s alright, Alex,” Ruthie tells her, “I did the mess in my pants and I’ll just have to take my punishment.” “It’s only my 2nd time this year,” she tells Alex, “So my punishment isn’t going to be too bad.” “It’s alright, Alex,” she repeats, “No, it’s not alright!” Alex quickly answers her back, “It’s definitely not alright.” “It’s not alright that you can’t go to the girls’ room when you need to,” she tells the pretty junior, “And it’s ESPECIALLY not alright that you get punished for going in your pants when you’re not allowed to use the toilet in the first place.” “You shouldn’t have to get punished when it’s not even your fault in the first place,” Alex tells her. “It’s one thing when a girl doesn’t want to use the girls’ room in school and she has an accident that way,” the pretty and articulate honor student continues, “It’s one thing when you want to punish girls for that – My sister Haley was like that.” “But Ruthie wanted to go use the toilet – She begged you for permission to go and use the toilet,” Alex turns and addresses Mr. Feeney directly, “But you just wouldn’t let her go.” “The accident wasn’t Ruthie’s fault,” Alex says, this time addressing me, “It was Mr. Feeney’s fault.”
Once again, I must bang my gavel and warn Alex to watch her tone. “Is this what happened in class today?” I ask Mr. Feeney, “Is this what brought the charge of “Arguing” against Alex?” “Indeed it is,” Mr. Feeney reports, “She just kept arguing and she just wouldn’t stop.” When I press Alex for an explanation, she doesn’t deny Mr. Feeney’s account of the incident. Instead, she merely repeats her point that Mr. Feeney should have let Ruthie go to the girls’ room and that Ruthie’s accident is therefore Mr. Feeney’s fault.
“Well, that makes you guilty as charged, Alex,” I tell the very cute, junior brunette, “We can’t have our girls arguing with our teaches like that – Especially over toilet-related matters.” “It’s alright, Alex, It’s really alright,” Ruthie tells her classmate again, “I’ll just do my punishment and that’ll be the end of it.” “You don’t have to get yourself in any more trouble,” she tells Alex. “I messed in my panties and I’ll just have to do my punishment,” she tells her, “No sense making it worse by arguing about it.” But Alex – Not surprisingly – Just doesn’t listen. “It’s not just because of you,” Alex then continues, “It’s because of all of us.” “Ruthie isn’t the only one that this has happened to,” the articulate honor student tells me, “This is hardly the first time that a girl’s had an accident because Mr. Feeney wouldn’t let her go to the bathroom.” “This is the 2nd time this week that a girl has messed herself because Mr. Feeney wouldn’t let her go to the bathroom.” Alex explains. “Krista messed in her panties in class on Monday,” Alex continues, “And that was her 2nd time in Mr. Feeney’s class already this year.” “And Tia, Joan, and Leslie have all had accidents in Mr. Feeney’s class, too,” she rants on, “And Joan’s was a doubleheader.” A doubleheader, of course, is when a girl goes both ways in her pants. “And I’ve had some pretty close calls myself,” Alex points out, “More than a few times in his class already, I thought my bladder was about to explode.” “And a couple of times I was pretty close to an accident like Ruthie’s,” she says, “But still Mr. Feeney wouldn’t let me to go to the girls’ room like I needed to.” “It’s like he WANTS us to go to the bathroom in our pants,” Alex then says, glaring at Mr. Feeney in the process.
That comment draws more than a few gasps from the assembled crowd. And unfortunately for Alex, the comment is over the line. “That’s it!” I yell at Alex as I bang my gavel, “You just got yourself a 2nd charge of “Arguing Over a Toilet-Related Matter.” “There’s no call for a comment like that, Alex,” I tell her angrily, “How dare you accuse Mr. Feeney of wanting girls to have accidents in her class.” “So now because you don’t know when to stop, you’ve got 2 counts that you’re going to be punished for,” I tell her.
First things first, though, we get back to Ruthie and her punishment for “Panty-Soiling.” It’s her 2nd such offense this school year – The 1st occurring in French class back in mid September – And she will be punished accordingly. She’ll have to write “I will not soil my panties in school again” 200 times and serve 2 days in detention.
Next, I go back to Alex. “For your first offense you’ll write, ‘I will not argue over toilet related matters again’ 250 times,” I tell her. “For your second offense, you’ll write it another 250 times,” I continue, “And this time, you’ll also serve an entire week in detention.” Alex looks at me, no doubt surprised at her punishment. “Lines?” she asks, “You’re just going to make me write 500 lines?” Similarly, some members of the TVPC are surprised as well. Usually, this type of offense garners a girl an apology essay rather than simply writing repetitive sentences. But knowing Alex as I do, she’d no doubt prefer an essay – An essay in which she could use her considerable writing skills to argue some more. She won’t get that chance by simple, boring, repetitive writing. “Don’t you think just writing lines is a stupid punishment for high school? Alex asks condescendingly. “I suppose it is, Alex,” I tell her, retuning her condescension, “Writing lines, I suppose is nothing but pure boredom and tedium.” “And now, that’s what you’re going to have to do,” I tell her, “Now, maybe next time you’ll think twice about arguing so much.”
“It won’t help,” Mr. Feeney then chimes back in, “Alex just likes to argue too much.” “Well, maybe next time we’ll have to consider a toilet suspension for her,” I tell Mr. Feeney, but obviously intending it more for Alex than for him. “That way getting a girls’ room pass in class will be the least of her problems,” I point out, “Going during class won’t even be an issue since she wouldn’t be allowed to go to the girls’ room at all.” Looking at Alex, I think she gets my point. She may indeed like to argue, but I doubt she thinks it’s worth losing her toilet privileges over.
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