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Welcome to a session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) – this writer’s favorite fantasy. The story takes place in a high school not unlike other high schools. In this high school, however, there are strict rules regarding the toileting behavior of the school’s female students. Those who break the school toilet rules (including the rules against going to the bathroom in your pants) are brought before the TVPC to have their cases heard and their punishment given out if they are guilty. Meetings of the TVPC are called to order at 3:10 PM each school day in the TVPC meeting room – Room 222 of the high school. It should be noted that where this story takes place you need to be 18 in order to enter high school so all persons depicted, even though entirely fictional, are at least 18 years of age.
My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of February 3, 2014.
We begin this afternoon’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) with 2 cases occurring over the weekend. The first case occurred during Saturday morning detention while the 2nd case is from the girls’ basketball game later that night. That latter case, of course, is a violation while representing the school and that’s a more serious matter than a toilet violation during the regular school day.
We’ll deal with the case from Saturday morning first. The TVPC doesn’t have a Saturday Detention program of its own. The existing Saturday Detention program is run by the Principal and therefore it’s a punishment reserved for non toilet-related offenses. But since the detention is a school program, the toilet behavior of the girls in detention certainly comes under TVPC jurisdiction. As I understand it, the girls in detention are put to work doing some kind of service for the school. But they can’t make the girls clean the bathroom, though – That’s strictly a TVPC punishment. But as I’ve noted, the TVPC itself doesn’t run Saturday detention so our only focus today is dealing with a toilet violation that apparently occurred during the detention this past Saturday.
For that, I call the name of Avery, a skinny, toilet-troubled sophomore. She is charged with soiling her panties during the detention on Saturday. It’s certainly no surprise to see Avery charged with “Panty-Soiling” – She’s got 3 previous panty-soilings already this year as well a total of 6 panty-soilings last year. The smart but shy and self-conscious blonde apparently has privacy issues when it comes to having bowel movements in the school girls’ rooms. But while the panty-soiling doesn’t surprise me, what does surprise me is that she would be in Saturday detention in the first place. Avery is a very bright and academically focused honor student whose behavior (apart from toilet-related matters) is usually beyond reproach. She even writes the DOG WITH A BLOG column for the school newspaper. It’s hard to imagine what she could have done to get sent to Saturday Detention in the first place, but that’s not a concern of the TVPC. What is of concern to the TVPC is the panty-soiling that Avery did while she was there.
“There’s really not much to say,” reports Miss Robinson, a young and lovely Science teacher who was supervising the detention on Saturday, “We were a little past the halfway point in detention when Avery suddenly lost control and messed in her panties.” “It was a pretty easy morning as detention goes,” Miss Robinson continues, “We had the girls in the library doing inventory and cataloging the books.” “I mean, I guess it does get tedious after a while,” she says, “But it’s better than scrubbing floors, scraping gum, picking up garbage, or any of the other things we usually make the girls do on detention.”
“And being upstairs in the library, the girls got to use the 2nd Floor girls’ room during the break,” Miss Robinson explains, “Most of the girls seem to like that bathroom better than the others.” “They certainly like that one better than the girls’ rooms downstairs that they usually have to use while in detention,” she explains further. “But apparently, even that wasn’t good enough for Avery,” she says as she turns and glares at the toilet-trouble sophomore, “She decided to go in her pants instead.” “We give the girls a bathroom break halfway through the detention,” Miss Robinson reminds me, “They get 20 minutes, so it’s plenty of time to stretch their legs and do what they gotta do in the girls’ room.” “But, like I said, I guess that just wasn’t good enough for Avery,” she says, once again glaring at the skinny, blonde-haired sophomore, “It wasn’t a half hour back from the break before Avery had a big mess in her panties.” “Obviously, she already had to go at the break, but she just didn’t do what she needed to do in the girls’ room,” Miss Robinson points out, shaking her head in disgust, “Apparently, she’d just rather mess in her panties than do it in the girls’ room like she’s supposed to do.” “Really, Avery – That was just gross,” she adds, “I can’t believe you didn’t go to the bathroom when you needed to.”
The sweet and shy Avery is reduced to tears at the Detention Monitor’s harsh words. She mumbles an apology through her tears as she pleads “Guilty” to soiling her panties in detention on Saturday. “It wasn’t her fault,” mumbles a subdued voice from somewhere in the room. Quiet as it was, it is enough to cause these proceedings to pause. “It wasn’t Avery’s fault that she messed in her panties,” calls out Kim, a buxom senior blonde and apparently a new found friend of Avery’s. “Avery didn’t just sit there and mess in her panties like Miss Robinson said,” Kim argues, “She wanted to go do it in the girls’ room like she was supposed to.” I’m a bit taken about by Kim coming to Avery’s defense as I’d hardly think the 2 would be friends. Avery being a shy sophomore honor student and Kim a perennially in trouble senior underachiever. It isn’t often that you see FREAKS AND GEEKS forming a friendship like that. “I was in detention with Avery on Saturday – I was working with her putting security tags in the books,” Kim then explains, “And I can tell you that Avery was asking Miss Robinson for a girls’ room pass.” “I can tell your that Avery was BEGGING Miss Robinson for a girls’ room pass,” she continues, “She told Miss Robinson that she had an emergency and was desperate to go.” “Avery wanted to go to the girls’ room – She wanted to do it in the toilet like she was supposed to,” the senior blonde explains further, “But Miss Robinson still wouldn’t let her go no matter how desperate she was.” Looking over at Avery I see her drying her eyes a bit and nodding her head in agreement with that. “It’s Miss Robinson’s fault that Avery messed in her panties,” Kim adds, “She’s the one who should be getting punished for this, not Avery.” Immediately, I reach for my gavel and bang it hard. “They’ll be no talk like that, Kim,” I tell her angrily. “If you want to defend Avery, that’s fine, but you’d better just stick to the facts,” I warn her, “Any more talk of punishing a teacher and it’ll be you, not the teacher, getting that punishment.” She apologizes and assures me that it won’t happen again. She’s been on toilet suspension before (for Smoking in the Girls’ Room) and I doubt she wants to experience that again.
Turning to Miss Robinson, though, she tells a bit of a different story of what happened in detention on Saturday. While she acknowledges that Avery did ask her for a girls’ room pass, Miss Robinson points out that it was right after they’d just had their bathroom break. As per the rules of Saturday Detention, the girls get a break from 10:20 to 10:40 – The halfway point of the 5-hour detention session. “You girls had just been to the girls’ room 15 minutes earlier,” Miss Robinson says, addressing both Avery and Kim, “That’s when you’re supposed to use the toilet – Not 15 minutes later.” “If you needed to use the toilet, you should have gone then,” she says, this time speaking directly to Avery, “The primary reason we have a bathroom break, you know, is so you girls can go to the bathroom.” “I just don’t know why you didn’t go during the break when you had the chance,” she tells Avery, “Obviously you did have to go then – Obviously, you didn’t just suddenly have an emergency once the break was over.”
“So what if she didn’t go during the break – Who cares if she didn’t go during the break,” Kim chimes back in, “She still had to go to the bathroom after the break when she asked.” “The point is that she really did have to go and the point is that she wanted to go to the girls’ room like she was supposed to,” the outspoken senior continues, in a bit of an angry tone, “And the point is that Miss Robinson wouldn’t let her go.” “Avery was trying to go do it in the toilet like she was supposed to – She was really trying to NOT do it in her pants this time,” she rambles on, “But the point is that Miss Robinson wouldn’t let Avery go when she needed to.”
“The point is that Avery didn’t use the toilet when she was supposed to,” Miss Robinson fires back angrily, “The point is that Avery no doubt had to go and didn’t even bother to use the toilet when she had the chance during the break.” Once again, I’m forced to use my gavel to stop the sniping between Kim and Miss Robinson. Instead, I direct the question specifically to Avery. Avery admits that she did have to go during the break but she didn’t go when she had the chance. She tells us that she “peed” but obviously that’s not what we are talking about. “I knew that I had to go, but I just didn’t feel comfortable going during the bathroom break,” Avery tells us, “I know it sounds stupid but I just can’t do that kind of thing unless I can relax.” “There were just too many girls in there at the time – It was like there was no privacy,” the toilet troubled sophomore tells us, “I know it sounds stupid but I really need my privacy when I have to do that.” “I’m trying really hard not to have accidents anymore and that means that I do go at school sometimes,” Avery adds, “But I just need to be alone in the girls’ room when I do it – I just can’t go when the girls’ room is crowded like that.”
But Avery’s comments just leave me and Miss Robinson shaking our heads. “You can’t always get that kind or privacy in our girls’ rooms,” I tell the blonde-haired cutie, “You just have to do when you get the chance and that’s especially true when you’re in detention.” “When you’re in Saturday Detention you have a set time when you can use the girls’ room, Avery,” I tell her, “And if you don’t use it then, you have no one but yourself to blame if you have an accident.” I’m sure Avery doesn’t like hearing that, but she seems to accept it. Kim, on the other hand, takes exception to it.
“It was like a stampede in the girls’ room – There were like 20 girls in there at the break,” the buxom senior blonde argues, “Who can really blame Avery for not wanting to go #2 in there like that?” “How can you really blame Avery for wanting to wait until she could have more privacy in there?” she asks, “I know I wouldn’t want to go #2 in a girls’ room crowded like that.” That statement causes Miss Robinson to pause. “Really, Kim?” Miss Robinson asks her, “If you had had to have a bowel movement Saturday morning, you wouldn’t have done it in the girls’ room during the break?” “Are you really saying that you would have just tried to hold it in like Avery did?” Miss Robinson continues, “Are you really trying to tell us that you would have had an accident instead of using the toilet?” But Kim, of course, tells us that she wouldn’t have. “I’m not saying that I would have had an accident – That’s just gross,” she tells us, “I’m just saying that I wouldn’t have liked using the toilet when it was crowded like that.” “But I still would have used the girls’ room if I needed to,” she says, “I mean, anything is better than messing in your panties.”
“Of course you would use the toilet, Kim,” Miss Robinson tells her, “You know that there’s no excuse for a girl your age messing in her panties.” That last statement, of course, was more directed at Avery than her. “But couldn’t you just give Avery a break?” Kim argues some more, “Couldn’t you just have given her a break and let her go to the girls’ room when she could use it?” “I mean, you didn’t use the girls’ room during the break, either,” she tells the pretty Science teacher, “I noticed that you didn’t even use the girls’ room at all.” “You had your own private bathroom in the librarian’s office to do your business,” she tells Miss Robinson, “I wonder what you would have done if you had to do a #2 and could only go during the break with the rest of us in the girls’ room.” Her comments cause a “gasp” in the committee room as I grab my gavel and immediately bang it angrily at Kim. “This time you really stepped over the line,” I tell her, “You were warned before about comments like that, but this time you took it even further.”
Turning back to Avery, I point out that Saturday’s panty-soiling accident was her 4th panty soiling accident of the school year. “That’s absolutely shameful, young lady,” I admonish her, “This year you seem to be on a pace to do even worse than last year and last year you did bad enough.” I want to be sympathetic to her – Everyone likes Avery unless perhaps you have to sit next to her after she’s soiled her panties – But her shameful record of accidents does not make the cause for leniency. Accordingly, I sentence Avery to write “I will not soil my panties in school again” 500 times and to spend a full week in detention sitting on the toilet. “Fortunately, you’re going to be able to sit your detention time in the 2nd Floor girls’ room,” I tell the shy and skinny sophomore cutie, “That is, after all, the girls’ room you should have used instead of going in your panties.” “As Miss Robinson said you were lucky to have that girls’ room available to you during detention on Saturday,” I point out to Avery, “But that makes it all the more shameful you didn’t use it when you got the chance.” Accordingly, I also sentence Avery to a week of her 3rd period study hall also sitting on the toilet in there.
Turning now to Kim, I once again admonish her for her comments. “Where Miss Robinson goes to the bathroom is none of your concern,” I tell the senior underachiever, “Sticking up for Avery is one thing but you don’t do it like that – You don’t do it by insulting a teacher.” “You’ll write Miss Robinson a 2,000 word letter of apology,” I inform Kim and note for the record, “And you’ll have detention every day until you finish that.” “Yes sir,” Kim tells me politely, once again being careful not to say anything that could get placed on toilet suspension again.
For the other matter from Saturday, I am pleased to welcome Coach Teiger, the pretty, blonde-haired coach of the girls’ basketball team. Apparently, she has a toilet violation to report from this weekend’s basketball tournament game. When I see that Heidi – a tall and beautiful blonde-haired senior – Is with her, I pretty much already know what this case is going to be about. Where a lot of girls are really shy and secretive about their bathroom functions, Heidi is the polar opposite. To Heidi, bathroom functions seem to be a never ending source of amusement.
“Again, Natalie?” I ask the strict but very fair coach. “Again, Mr. Chairman,” she answers, “It seems that Heidi is up to her old tricks again.” But the senior beauty denies that she’s done anything wrong. “Not Guilty, sir!” she tells me proudly before I even ask her. Her plea causes her coach to roll her eyes and shake her head. “I’ve got you on 3 separate things,” Coach Teiger tells Heidi, “And I’ve got witnesses to them all.” Coach Teiger’s comment puzzles me. “I’ve got 1 Violation Report and 1 charge,” I point out to the pretty, well-toned coach, “What do you mean when you talk about 3 separate things.” The coach then explains that though Heidi made 3 separate comments that could each count as a toilet violation she chose to write it up as a single violation. “I think giving Heidi 3 charges on this would be piling on,” Coach Teiger tells me, “I’ll be happy as long as she gets an appropriate punishment on one of them and then hopefully we’ll put an end to this kind of stuff once and for all.” Coach Teiger is certainly kinder than I would be. “There’s no harm in writing her up on all 3,” I tell her, “The worse her punishment, the greater the chance that she’ll stop this.” Nevertheless, I’ll accede to the coach’s wishes and treat this as a single toilet violation. But Heidi seems determined to maintain her innocence.
What Heidi is accused of is “Inducement to Commit Toilet Violations.” That is, on Saturday at the game Heidi offered some of her teammates various sums of money to commit toilet violations. As I read the Violation Report, I note that as a visiting team, our girls were using the boys’ locker room. Obviously, there were urinals in the locker room bathroom and that leads to the most serious accusation against Heidi. “Heidi offered Leslie $20 to defecate in one of the urinals in there,” Coach Teiger reports, “Thankfully Leslie had the good sense NOT to take her up on that.” Needless to say, I am absolutely outraged at this – Especially since we punished Heidi twice for this exact same thing last year. “Didn’t you have to write a 5,000 word essay for this last year?” I ask Heidi, “Wasn’t that enough to teach you a lesson?” I warn her now – Just as I did then – That Defecating In a Urinal is certainly grounds for a toilet suspension – That is, a toilet suspension not only for the girl who actually defecates in the urinal, but for any girl that induces a girl to do such a vile and disgusting thing. But Heidi vehemently denies that she did any such thing last Saturday night.
Heidi starts to argue in her defense on this accusation, but I stop her. “First, I want to hear all that you’re accused of and then I’ll give you a chance to refute it,” I explain. Coach Teiger then tells us that there in the boys’ locker room bathroom one of the toilets was right out in the open without even a stall around it. “Heidi offered Amber $20 to do a bowel movement in that particular toilet,” Coach Teiger reports, “And then when Amber refused that and went into a stall, Heidi offered her $20 not to wipe herself afterwards.” “Outrageous!” the pretty, well-toned coach yells at Heidi, “Simply outrageous!” “I was so mad that when Heidi mentioning having to go herself, I made HER do it in the open toilet,” the coach tells us with a smile, “But I did let her wipe herself, though.” I must say that in one sense I admire the coach’s little impromptu toilet discipline – It certainly seems like poetic justice for Heidi to have to do a bowel movement the same way she wanted another girl to do it – But Coach Teiger really isn’t allowed to do that. Only the TVPC is allowed to impose toilet-related discipline. I make a point to speak privately to Coach Teiger about this later.
Getting back to Heidi, she admits to making those latter 2 offers to Amber, but vehemently denies offering anything for urinal defecation to anyone. “I did offer Amber money to use that one toilet and then offered her money not to wipe herself,” Heidi says, “I admit that I did that.” “But no way did I offer Leslie money to poop in a urinal – No way did I do that,” she says adamantly, “I think Coach Teiger may have misunderstood me on that one.” Of course, I ask Heidi to explain that last part. “I offered Leslie $20 to PEE in the urinal, not to do the other thing,” she then clarifies, “Coach Teiger must have just misunderstood what I meant. “Leslie to me that she had to pee,” Heidi continues, “I then I told her that I’d give her $20 to do it in a urinal.” “I don’t think Leslie even had to poop at all,” Heidi adds.
The Coach just stands there angrily glaring at Heidi, but more importantly, I can see Leslie nodding her head in agreement. “It’s true, sir – All I had to do was urinate and that’s what Heidi wanted me to do in the urinal for $20,” Leslie tells me, “I already did the other in the locker room at our school before I even got on the bus to the game.” With that, Coach Teiger is forced to admit that she misunderstood what Heidi meant about using the urinal. “But you still wanted Leslie to use the urinal?” the pretty, blonde-haired coach asks Heidi, “You still had every intention to pay her to do that.” “I would have paid her to URINATE in a urinal,” Heidi states carefully, “That’s what I wanted her to do, not the other thing.” But the coach, while acknowledging that’s not as bad, says it’s still a toilet violation. “O.K. – That’s not as bad,” she says, “But you still shouldn’t have done that.”
Well, maybe she shouldn’t have done that – There’s certainly no reason to go around offering girls money to use urinals for either function – But, unfortunately for Coach Teiger, there’s actually nothing in the TVPC rules against Heidi doing just that. “Had she offered money for someone to defecate in the urinal, we would have a violation – a very serious violation,” I point out, “Obviously, no one is allowed to defecate in a urinal, so inducing someone to do that isn’t allowed.” “But urinals are indeed for urinating,” I tell the coach, “So there’s no violation in offering money to urinate in one.” But Coach Teiger disagrees. “Urinals are for BOYS to urinate in,” she argues, “Girls are supposed to urinate in a toilet.” “What girls are supposed to do is largely a matter of opinion,” I tell the coach, “But the bottom line is that there is no TVPC rule against girls urinating in urinals.” “Obviously, she’s not allowed to just go into a boys’ room to do it,” I point out further, “That would be go into a boys’ room without permission.” “But you girls were already using the boys’ locker room at the game,” I explain, “And urinals were right there in the locker room bathroom waiting to be urinated in.” “If a girl can manage to urinate properly in a urinal, there’s really no reason why she shouldn’t be allowed to use it,” I tell her.
“But we’ve been through this before,” Coach Teiger argues some more, “Heidi offered a girl money to use a urinal at a game last year.” “Only last year, that girl actually tried to do it,” the coach reminds us, “And she ended up wetting not only all over herself but all over the floor, too.” “Shouldn’t we take that as a lesson AGAINST girls using urinals – Even if it is only to urinate.” “Well, maybe so, but once again the bottom line is that there is no TVPC rule against it,” I tell Coach Teiger. “I wouldn’t say that I’d encourage girls to use urinals – It certainly seems easier for them to just sit down on the toilet and urinate that way,” I explain further, “But urinals are for urinating, and if a girl wants to try to use one – And if a girl wants to risk the punishment for not succeeding and urinating all over herself and the floor – She’s welcome to try.” “And since it’s not against the rules for girls to urinate in urinals, it’s not against the rules to pay someone to try it,” I add.
“And it’s not against the rules to pay someone to do those other things, either,” I continue. “Just because a toilet doesn’t have a stall around it, doesn’t mean you can’t use it,” I point out, “I’d imagine that most girls wouldn’t want to use a toilet without a stall – Especially for a bowel movement – But if they do, that’s of no concern to the TVPC.” I also point out to the coach that she herself used a toilet like that at a game last year. “O.K., but what about offering someone money not to wipe herself,” Coach Teiger asks, “Isn’t a girl supposed to wipe herself – Especially after she does a bowel movement.” “Well, I’d certainly encourage her to do so – Especially after a bowel movement,” I respond, “She’s risking a toilet violation for Panty-Soiling if by not wiping herself, her panties get soiled badly enough.” “But once again, the bottom line is that there is simply no TVPC rule that requires girls to wipe themselves,” I tell the coach. “Well, there SHOULD be,” Coach Teiger answers, a tinge of anger in her voice, “Not wiping yourself after having a bowel movement is just totally disgusting.” “Well, there isn’t such a rule,” I tell the coach, “I’d imagine that most girls do wipe themselves, but that’s their choice.”
Heidi is beaming a broad smile and Coach Teiger is left shaking her head as I find Heidi “Not Guilty” on all counts in this case.
My name is Arnold Ziffel and I’m chairman of the TVPC. What follows are the summary minutes of the TVPC meeting of February 3, 2014.
We begin this afternoon’s session of the Toilet Violations Punishment Committee (TVPC) with 2 cases occurring over the weekend. The first case occurred during Saturday morning detention while the 2nd case is from the girls’ basketball game later that night. That latter case, of course, is a violation while representing the school and that’s a more serious matter than a toilet violation during the regular school day.
We’ll deal with the case from Saturday morning first. The TVPC doesn’t have a Saturday Detention program of its own. The existing Saturday Detention program is run by the Principal and therefore it’s a punishment reserved for non toilet-related offenses. But since the detention is a school program, the toilet behavior of the girls in detention certainly comes under TVPC jurisdiction. As I understand it, the girls in detention are put to work doing some kind of service for the school. But they can’t make the girls clean the bathroom, though – That’s strictly a TVPC punishment. But as I’ve noted, the TVPC itself doesn’t run Saturday detention so our only focus today is dealing with a toilet violation that apparently occurred during the detention this past Saturday.
For that, I call the name of Avery, a skinny, toilet-troubled sophomore. She is charged with soiling her panties during the detention on Saturday. It’s certainly no surprise to see Avery charged with “Panty-Soiling” – She’s got 3 previous panty-soilings already this year as well a total of 6 panty-soilings last year. The smart but shy and self-conscious blonde apparently has privacy issues when it comes to having bowel movements in the school girls’ rooms. But while the panty-soiling doesn’t surprise me, what does surprise me is that she would be in Saturday detention in the first place. Avery is a very bright and academically focused honor student whose behavior (apart from toilet-related matters) is usually beyond reproach. She even writes the DOG WITH A BLOG column for the school newspaper. It’s hard to imagine what she could have done to get sent to Saturday Detention in the first place, but that’s not a concern of the TVPC. What is of concern to the TVPC is the panty-soiling that Avery did while she was there.
“There’s really not much to say,” reports Miss Robinson, a young and lovely Science teacher who was supervising the detention on Saturday, “We were a little past the halfway point in detention when Avery suddenly lost control and messed in her panties.” “It was a pretty easy morning as detention goes,” Miss Robinson continues, “We had the girls in the library doing inventory and cataloging the books.” “I mean, I guess it does get tedious after a while,” she says, “But it’s better than scrubbing floors, scraping gum, picking up garbage, or any of the other things we usually make the girls do on detention.”
“And being upstairs in the library, the girls got to use the 2nd Floor girls’ room during the break,” Miss Robinson explains, “Most of the girls seem to like that bathroom better than the others.” “They certainly like that one better than the girls’ rooms downstairs that they usually have to use while in detention,” she explains further. “But apparently, even that wasn’t good enough for Avery,” she says as she turns and glares at the toilet-trouble sophomore, “She decided to go in her pants instead.” “We give the girls a bathroom break halfway through the detention,” Miss Robinson reminds me, “They get 20 minutes, so it’s plenty of time to stretch their legs and do what they gotta do in the girls’ room.” “But, like I said, I guess that just wasn’t good enough for Avery,” she says, once again glaring at the skinny, blonde-haired sophomore, “It wasn’t a half hour back from the break before Avery had a big mess in her panties.” “Obviously, she already had to go at the break, but she just didn’t do what she needed to do in the girls’ room,” Miss Robinson points out, shaking her head in disgust, “Apparently, she’d just rather mess in her panties than do it in the girls’ room like she’s supposed to do.” “Really, Avery – That was just gross,” she adds, “I can’t believe you didn’t go to the bathroom when you needed to.”
The sweet and shy Avery is reduced to tears at the Detention Monitor’s harsh words. She mumbles an apology through her tears as she pleads “Guilty” to soiling her panties in detention on Saturday. “It wasn’t her fault,” mumbles a subdued voice from somewhere in the room. Quiet as it was, it is enough to cause these proceedings to pause. “It wasn’t Avery’s fault that she messed in her panties,” calls out Kim, a buxom senior blonde and apparently a new found friend of Avery’s. “Avery didn’t just sit there and mess in her panties like Miss Robinson said,” Kim argues, “She wanted to go do it in the girls’ room like she was supposed to.” I’m a bit taken about by Kim coming to Avery’s defense as I’d hardly think the 2 would be friends. Avery being a shy sophomore honor student and Kim a perennially in trouble senior underachiever. It isn’t often that you see FREAKS AND GEEKS forming a friendship like that. “I was in detention with Avery on Saturday – I was working with her putting security tags in the books,” Kim then explains, “And I can tell you that Avery was asking Miss Robinson for a girls’ room pass.” “I can tell your that Avery was BEGGING Miss Robinson for a girls’ room pass,” she continues, “She told Miss Robinson that she had an emergency and was desperate to go.” “Avery wanted to go to the girls’ room – She wanted to do it in the toilet like she was supposed to,” the senior blonde explains further, “But Miss Robinson still wouldn’t let her go no matter how desperate she was.” Looking over at Avery I see her drying her eyes a bit and nodding her head in agreement with that. “It’s Miss Robinson’s fault that Avery messed in her panties,” Kim adds, “She’s the one who should be getting punished for this, not Avery.” Immediately, I reach for my gavel and bang it hard. “They’ll be no talk like that, Kim,” I tell her angrily. “If you want to defend Avery, that’s fine, but you’d better just stick to the facts,” I warn her, “Any more talk of punishing a teacher and it’ll be you, not the teacher, getting that punishment.” She apologizes and assures me that it won’t happen again. She’s been on toilet suspension before (for Smoking in the Girls’ Room) and I doubt she wants to experience that again.
Turning to Miss Robinson, though, she tells a bit of a different story of what happened in detention on Saturday. While she acknowledges that Avery did ask her for a girls’ room pass, Miss Robinson points out that it was right after they’d just had their bathroom break. As per the rules of Saturday Detention, the girls get a break from 10:20 to 10:40 – The halfway point of the 5-hour detention session. “You girls had just been to the girls’ room 15 minutes earlier,” Miss Robinson says, addressing both Avery and Kim, “That’s when you’re supposed to use the toilet – Not 15 minutes later.” “If you needed to use the toilet, you should have gone then,” she says, this time speaking directly to Avery, “The primary reason we have a bathroom break, you know, is so you girls can go to the bathroom.” “I just don’t know why you didn’t go during the break when you had the chance,” she tells Avery, “Obviously you did have to go then – Obviously, you didn’t just suddenly have an emergency once the break was over.”
“So what if she didn’t go during the break – Who cares if she didn’t go during the break,” Kim chimes back in, “She still had to go to the bathroom after the break when she asked.” “The point is that she really did have to go and the point is that she wanted to go to the girls’ room like she was supposed to,” the outspoken senior continues, in a bit of an angry tone, “And the point is that Miss Robinson wouldn’t let her go.” “Avery was trying to go do it in the toilet like she was supposed to – She was really trying to NOT do it in her pants this time,” she rambles on, “But the point is that Miss Robinson wouldn’t let Avery go when she needed to.”
“The point is that Avery didn’t use the toilet when she was supposed to,” Miss Robinson fires back angrily, “The point is that Avery no doubt had to go and didn’t even bother to use the toilet when she had the chance during the break.” Once again, I’m forced to use my gavel to stop the sniping between Kim and Miss Robinson. Instead, I direct the question specifically to Avery. Avery admits that she did have to go during the break but she didn’t go when she had the chance. She tells us that she “peed” but obviously that’s not what we are talking about. “I knew that I had to go, but I just didn’t feel comfortable going during the bathroom break,” Avery tells us, “I know it sounds stupid but I just can’t do that kind of thing unless I can relax.” “There were just too many girls in there at the time – It was like there was no privacy,” the toilet troubled sophomore tells us, “I know it sounds stupid but I really need my privacy when I have to do that.” “I’m trying really hard not to have accidents anymore and that means that I do go at school sometimes,” Avery adds, “But I just need to be alone in the girls’ room when I do it – I just can’t go when the girls’ room is crowded like that.”
But Avery’s comments just leave me and Miss Robinson shaking our heads. “You can’t always get that kind or privacy in our girls’ rooms,” I tell the blonde-haired cutie, “You just have to do when you get the chance and that’s especially true when you’re in detention.” “When you’re in Saturday Detention you have a set time when you can use the girls’ room, Avery,” I tell her, “And if you don’t use it then, you have no one but yourself to blame if you have an accident.” I’m sure Avery doesn’t like hearing that, but she seems to accept it. Kim, on the other hand, takes exception to it.
“It was like a stampede in the girls’ room – There were like 20 girls in there at the break,” the buxom senior blonde argues, “Who can really blame Avery for not wanting to go #2 in there like that?” “How can you really blame Avery for wanting to wait until she could have more privacy in there?” she asks, “I know I wouldn’t want to go #2 in a girls’ room crowded like that.” That statement causes Miss Robinson to pause. “Really, Kim?” Miss Robinson asks her, “If you had had to have a bowel movement Saturday morning, you wouldn’t have done it in the girls’ room during the break?” “Are you really saying that you would have just tried to hold it in like Avery did?” Miss Robinson continues, “Are you really trying to tell us that you would have had an accident instead of using the toilet?” But Kim, of course, tells us that she wouldn’t have. “I’m not saying that I would have had an accident – That’s just gross,” she tells us, “I’m just saying that I wouldn’t have liked using the toilet when it was crowded like that.” “But I still would have used the girls’ room if I needed to,” she says, “I mean, anything is better than messing in your panties.”
“Of course you would use the toilet, Kim,” Miss Robinson tells her, “You know that there’s no excuse for a girl your age messing in her panties.” That last statement, of course, was more directed at Avery than her. “But couldn’t you just give Avery a break?” Kim argues some more, “Couldn’t you just have given her a break and let her go to the girls’ room when she could use it?” “I mean, you didn’t use the girls’ room during the break, either,” she tells the pretty Science teacher, “I noticed that you didn’t even use the girls’ room at all.” “You had your own private bathroom in the librarian’s office to do your business,” she tells Miss Robinson, “I wonder what you would have done if you had to do a #2 and could only go during the break with the rest of us in the girls’ room.” Her comments cause a “gasp” in the committee room as I grab my gavel and immediately bang it angrily at Kim. “This time you really stepped over the line,” I tell her, “You were warned before about comments like that, but this time you took it even further.”
Turning back to Avery, I point out that Saturday’s panty-soiling accident was her 4th panty soiling accident of the school year. “That’s absolutely shameful, young lady,” I admonish her, “This year you seem to be on a pace to do even worse than last year and last year you did bad enough.” I want to be sympathetic to her – Everyone likes Avery unless perhaps you have to sit next to her after she’s soiled her panties – But her shameful record of accidents does not make the cause for leniency. Accordingly, I sentence Avery to write “I will not soil my panties in school again” 500 times and to spend a full week in detention sitting on the toilet. “Fortunately, you’re going to be able to sit your detention time in the 2nd Floor girls’ room,” I tell the shy and skinny sophomore cutie, “That is, after all, the girls’ room you should have used instead of going in your panties.” “As Miss Robinson said you were lucky to have that girls’ room available to you during detention on Saturday,” I point out to Avery, “But that makes it all the more shameful you didn’t use it when you got the chance.” Accordingly, I also sentence Avery to a week of her 3rd period study hall also sitting on the toilet in there.
Turning now to Kim, I once again admonish her for her comments. “Where Miss Robinson goes to the bathroom is none of your concern,” I tell the senior underachiever, “Sticking up for Avery is one thing but you don’t do it like that – You don’t do it by insulting a teacher.” “You’ll write Miss Robinson a 2,000 word letter of apology,” I inform Kim and note for the record, “And you’ll have detention every day until you finish that.” “Yes sir,” Kim tells me politely, once again being careful not to say anything that could get placed on toilet suspension again.
For the other matter from Saturday, I am pleased to welcome Coach Teiger, the pretty, blonde-haired coach of the girls’ basketball team. Apparently, she has a toilet violation to report from this weekend’s basketball tournament game. When I see that Heidi – a tall and beautiful blonde-haired senior – Is with her, I pretty much already know what this case is going to be about. Where a lot of girls are really shy and secretive about their bathroom functions, Heidi is the polar opposite. To Heidi, bathroom functions seem to be a never ending source of amusement.
“Again, Natalie?” I ask the strict but very fair coach. “Again, Mr. Chairman,” she answers, “It seems that Heidi is up to her old tricks again.” But the senior beauty denies that she’s done anything wrong. “Not Guilty, sir!” she tells me proudly before I even ask her. Her plea causes her coach to roll her eyes and shake her head. “I’ve got you on 3 separate things,” Coach Teiger tells Heidi, “And I’ve got witnesses to them all.” Coach Teiger’s comment puzzles me. “I’ve got 1 Violation Report and 1 charge,” I point out to the pretty, well-toned coach, “What do you mean when you talk about 3 separate things.” The coach then explains that though Heidi made 3 separate comments that could each count as a toilet violation she chose to write it up as a single violation. “I think giving Heidi 3 charges on this would be piling on,” Coach Teiger tells me, “I’ll be happy as long as she gets an appropriate punishment on one of them and then hopefully we’ll put an end to this kind of stuff once and for all.” Coach Teiger is certainly kinder than I would be. “There’s no harm in writing her up on all 3,” I tell her, “The worse her punishment, the greater the chance that she’ll stop this.” Nevertheless, I’ll accede to the coach’s wishes and treat this as a single toilet violation. But Heidi seems determined to maintain her innocence.
What Heidi is accused of is “Inducement to Commit Toilet Violations.” That is, on Saturday at the game Heidi offered some of her teammates various sums of money to commit toilet violations. As I read the Violation Report, I note that as a visiting team, our girls were using the boys’ locker room. Obviously, there were urinals in the locker room bathroom and that leads to the most serious accusation against Heidi. “Heidi offered Leslie $20 to defecate in one of the urinals in there,” Coach Teiger reports, “Thankfully Leslie had the good sense NOT to take her up on that.” Needless to say, I am absolutely outraged at this – Especially since we punished Heidi twice for this exact same thing last year. “Didn’t you have to write a 5,000 word essay for this last year?” I ask Heidi, “Wasn’t that enough to teach you a lesson?” I warn her now – Just as I did then – That Defecating In a Urinal is certainly grounds for a toilet suspension – That is, a toilet suspension not only for the girl who actually defecates in the urinal, but for any girl that induces a girl to do such a vile and disgusting thing. But Heidi vehemently denies that she did any such thing last Saturday night.
Heidi starts to argue in her defense on this accusation, but I stop her. “First, I want to hear all that you’re accused of and then I’ll give you a chance to refute it,” I explain. Coach Teiger then tells us that there in the boys’ locker room bathroom one of the toilets was right out in the open without even a stall around it. “Heidi offered Amber $20 to do a bowel movement in that particular toilet,” Coach Teiger reports, “And then when Amber refused that and went into a stall, Heidi offered her $20 not to wipe herself afterwards.” “Outrageous!” the pretty, well-toned coach yells at Heidi, “Simply outrageous!” “I was so mad that when Heidi mentioning having to go herself, I made HER do it in the open toilet,” the coach tells us with a smile, “But I did let her wipe herself, though.” I must say that in one sense I admire the coach’s little impromptu toilet discipline – It certainly seems like poetic justice for Heidi to have to do a bowel movement the same way she wanted another girl to do it – But Coach Teiger really isn’t allowed to do that. Only the TVPC is allowed to impose toilet-related discipline. I make a point to speak privately to Coach Teiger about this later.
Getting back to Heidi, she admits to making those latter 2 offers to Amber, but vehemently denies offering anything for urinal defecation to anyone. “I did offer Amber money to use that one toilet and then offered her money not to wipe herself,” Heidi says, “I admit that I did that.” “But no way did I offer Leslie money to poop in a urinal – No way did I do that,” she says adamantly, “I think Coach Teiger may have misunderstood me on that one.” Of course, I ask Heidi to explain that last part. “I offered Leslie $20 to PEE in the urinal, not to do the other thing,” she then clarifies, “Coach Teiger must have just misunderstood what I meant. “Leslie to me that she had to pee,” Heidi continues, “I then I told her that I’d give her $20 to do it in a urinal.” “I don’t think Leslie even had to poop at all,” Heidi adds.
The Coach just stands there angrily glaring at Heidi, but more importantly, I can see Leslie nodding her head in agreement. “It’s true, sir – All I had to do was urinate and that’s what Heidi wanted me to do in the urinal for $20,” Leslie tells me, “I already did the other in the locker room at our school before I even got on the bus to the game.” With that, Coach Teiger is forced to admit that she misunderstood what Heidi meant about using the urinal. “But you still wanted Leslie to use the urinal?” the pretty, blonde-haired coach asks Heidi, “You still had every intention to pay her to do that.” “I would have paid her to URINATE in a urinal,” Heidi states carefully, “That’s what I wanted her to do, not the other thing.” But the coach, while acknowledging that’s not as bad, says it’s still a toilet violation. “O.K. – That’s not as bad,” she says, “But you still shouldn’t have done that.”
Well, maybe she shouldn’t have done that – There’s certainly no reason to go around offering girls money to use urinals for either function – But, unfortunately for Coach Teiger, there’s actually nothing in the TVPC rules against Heidi doing just that. “Had she offered money for someone to defecate in the urinal, we would have a violation – a very serious violation,” I point out, “Obviously, no one is allowed to defecate in a urinal, so inducing someone to do that isn’t allowed.” “But urinals are indeed for urinating,” I tell the coach, “So there’s no violation in offering money to urinate in one.” But Coach Teiger disagrees. “Urinals are for BOYS to urinate in,” she argues, “Girls are supposed to urinate in a toilet.” “What girls are supposed to do is largely a matter of opinion,” I tell the coach, “But the bottom line is that there is no TVPC rule against girls urinating in urinals.” “Obviously, she’s not allowed to just go into a boys’ room to do it,” I point out further, “That would be go into a boys’ room without permission.” “But you girls were already using the boys’ locker room at the game,” I explain, “And urinals were right there in the locker room bathroom waiting to be urinated in.” “If a girl can manage to urinate properly in a urinal, there’s really no reason why she shouldn’t be allowed to use it,” I tell her.
“But we’ve been through this before,” Coach Teiger argues some more, “Heidi offered a girl money to use a urinal at a game last year.” “Only last year, that girl actually tried to do it,” the coach reminds us, “And she ended up wetting not only all over herself but all over the floor, too.” “Shouldn’t we take that as a lesson AGAINST girls using urinals – Even if it is only to urinate.” “Well, maybe so, but once again the bottom line is that there is no TVPC rule against it,” I tell Coach Teiger. “I wouldn’t say that I’d encourage girls to use urinals – It certainly seems easier for them to just sit down on the toilet and urinate that way,” I explain further, “But urinals are for urinating, and if a girl wants to try to use one – And if a girl wants to risk the punishment for not succeeding and urinating all over herself and the floor – She’s welcome to try.” “And since it’s not against the rules for girls to urinate in urinals, it’s not against the rules to pay someone to try it,” I add.
“And it’s not against the rules to pay someone to do those other things, either,” I continue. “Just because a toilet doesn’t have a stall around it, doesn’t mean you can’t use it,” I point out, “I’d imagine that most girls wouldn’t want to use a toilet without a stall – Especially for a bowel movement – But if they do, that’s of no concern to the TVPC.” I also point out to the coach that she herself used a toilet like that at a game last year. “O.K., but what about offering someone money not to wipe herself,” Coach Teiger asks, “Isn’t a girl supposed to wipe herself – Especially after she does a bowel movement.” “Well, I’d certainly encourage her to do so – Especially after a bowel movement,” I respond, “She’s risking a toilet violation for Panty-Soiling if by not wiping herself, her panties get soiled badly enough.” “But once again, the bottom line is that there is simply no TVPC rule that requires girls to wipe themselves,” I tell the coach. “Well, there SHOULD be,” Coach Teiger answers, a tinge of anger in her voice, “Not wiping yourself after having a bowel movement is just totally disgusting.” “Well, there isn’t such a rule,” I tell the coach, “I’d imagine that most girls do wipe themselves, but that’s their choice.”
Heidi is beaming a broad smile and Coach Teiger is left shaking her head as I find Heidi “Not Guilty” on all counts in this case.
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